Novocain
by neo-chan
Summary: Since the day I was born, I knew my parents didn't want me. I was just a mistake. I'm Yamato Ishida, and I've been hurt in a way that no one can understand. Sometimes I pick up the knife and want to end it all, but I can never go through with it...
1. Novocain

A/N: This is AU.

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Digimon or anything associated with it.

**Novocain**  
by: n-chan

Since the day I was born, I knew my parents didn't want me. I wasn't the happy little boy they wanted. No, that little boy came later, when my brother Takeru was born. They treated him like the son they'd never had, which I guess they really hadn't. I was a burden to them, a disappointment. Takeru was showered with affection and gifts; I'd gotten nothing. Takeru always came first in their lives.

In the beginning, I thought it was my fault; that I was doing something wrong. Then I learned that I was just a big mistake. My mother had become pregnant because of a one-night stand, and the man that was supposed to be my father really wasn't. My real father was out there somewhere, sleeping with every slut he could find.

Of course, this meant that Takeru was only my half-brother. It also meant that **his** father didn't have to treat **me** like a son. He put me through it all: abuse, neglect, more abuse, and finally, rape. My mother never knew, and if I told her, she wouldn't believe me. Of course, Takeru couldn't know either. He was too young. I wanted to make sure his father didn't put him through the same shit he did to me, but I knew he wasn't. Takeru was his real son.

I'm seventeen years old. I've been screamed at, slapped around, abused emotionally and physically, raped, neglected, rejected... I've been hurt in a way no one could possibly understand. And all of this happened before my fourteenth birthday. That was when I escaped it all. I didn't bother packing; I grabbed some money from my mother's purse and ran. Then hopped on a bus. Then a train. And finally, a plane.

I live alone. I have for three years. At first I had to live on the streets. Then I began working to make money. Not many places would take me, so I had to start little. The first place I worked was a small store. I had to clean up the store at night, and I was paid much less than I should have been. Soon the owner replaced me, and I was out on the streets again, poor and pathetic. I decided I to do anything I could to earn money. My next job was at a bar. A gay bar.

I danced for money. Poledanced, lapdanced, anything I could. In half a year, I'd gained enough money to rent a room in a small apartment. Since then, I've worked my way up, but not too much. I don't need a large apartment because I live alone and I try not to keep many possessions. My life has no meaning. I simply go to work, dance, strip, sometimes go home with a customer, then come back to my tiny apartment and wonder why I'm still alive.

Some nights I find myself standing in the bathroom with a knife in my hand poised above my wrist. I want to let the knife slip across my skin and watch the blood run down, feeling relief at knowing my life is finally at its end. But I just can't do it; something always holds me back.

My mother has never tried to find me. I assume Takeru hasn't, either, and I know that son of a bitch he calls a father doesn't give a shit about me. They're all living happily, like those perfect families you see on TV. The ones I used to long for at night after Takeru's father had violated me.

I'm Yamato Ishida and I'm seventeen years old. I've been abused, raped, and neglected. Welcome to my fucked-up life.


	2. Life is Hard And So Am I

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Digimon or anything like that.

**Novocain**  
**Life is Hard; and So Am I**  
by: n-chan

It was a cold Thursday morning in November. I didn't have to worry about school; I'd dropped out long ago. The weathermen expected rain throughout the day and, judging by the dark clouds, they wouldn't be disappointed.

Mornings are usually dull and dreary that time of year and it would seem that there was no logical reason to be wandering the streets at 7:00AM, but I had a valid explanation; insomnia.

I can never sleep. No matter how much I try to relax, it just won't happen. The few times I do drift away, I have this recurring dream that's more like a nightmare.

The dream basically reflects on my past. Abuse, rape... everything, but those two being the strongest. Once I've had the dream, it stays in my mind for hours, days, even weeks at a time. When I finally manage to force it out of my head, I have the dream again. It's not funny; actually, it's anything but.

So I go for walks. Long walks. Alone. Down the city streets, through parks, in places I haven't ventured before... sometimes I go so far that I have to hurry back for work. It's just one more thing to add to my pile of problems.

I had the day off that Thursday. My boss, Shu, likes to let me rest up before a big day, and on Fridays more customers show up than any other day of the week. Unless there's a shortage of workers, or I ask to work, I get Thursdays off.

Most times, I end up going in to work anyways. There's nothing else for me to do. Work is the only place where I have any relationships at all, and I even try to keep from getting too close with the people there. I don't want to be hurt.

My walk was cut short that morning when it began to rain. I found some change in my pocket and pondered for a moment whether I should take the bus or not. I decided to walk home. I hadn't strayed too far, and it really didn't matter if I caught pneumonia or got sick. If I did, I would have a lesser chance of living longer.

The television was on when I entered my apartment and I cursed, scolding myself for leaving it on. I walked over and switched it off, worrying about my electric bill. Sometimes I wonder why I have cable in the first place; I don't watch much TV.

My cat, Takai, looked up at me from his spot on the couch as if to say, 'What did you do that for?' I ignored him and went into the kitchen, where my other cat, Shinigami, was eating out of his bowl.

Takai is a white cat with large black splotches. He's fairly small for a two-year old cat. Shinigami is a gray-and-black striped cat, and I've had him for two years also. I got him a week after Takai, but Takai is more active and smaller.

Cats are the perfect animal for me. They don't need to be taken for walks, don't need attention 24/7, and they don't smell like dogs do. They're much less trouble, and they're not so damn high-maintenance.

I opened the refrigerator door and looked inside, then realized I wasn't hungry. I turned on the coffee-maker instead. I've gotten into the habit of drinking at least one cup of coffee a day. At first I only did it to wake myself up. Now I've gotten to like the taste. It's sort of bitter, but also has a certain sweetness to it. Bittersweet and scalding if you drink it right away, which I do. I can't be bothered to let it cool. It's so much more enjoyable when it's hot.

The phone rang while the coffee was boiling and I looked at the caller display, knowing it could only be one of a few people; either Shu or someone else from work. Sure enough, it was Shu.

I picked up the phone and stretched the cord to the table outside of the kitchen. "Hello?"

"Hi, Yamato. It's Shu."

"Yeah, I know."

"Well, listen. I know it's your day off and all-"

"I can come in if you want."

"You didn't let me finish."

"What does it matter? You were only going to ask me to come in anyways."

"Yes, but you need to know why."

I rolled my eyes. "Alright, why?"

"We have a new employee."

I barely blinked. "And this is big news because...?"

"He's fourteen."

I sat up straight. This was news. All of the dancers at the bar were over eighteen, with the exception of me and a few others. The youngest was sixteen, and his birthday was in a week or two. The bartenders were all twenty or older.

"Fourteen? Are you sure?"

"Positive. I thought you'd be the perfect one to coach him and sort of show him how things work, since you can relate to him."

That was for sure. This boy couldn't have decided to work for the same reason I had, though. Still, this could be interesting. I was curious.

"I'd be glad to."

"Great. Come in around 7, alright? Bring some music you think would be good for teaching him some moves. You can work with him in the back room until you feel he's ready to dance for the public. Does that sound good to you?"

"Very."

"Good. I'll see you at seven."

Shu hung up, and I sat there for a moment, the possibilities rushing through my head. I glanced at the clock as I put the phone back in its place. I had eleven hours, approximately. That gave me enough time to get ready, plan out what music to bring, what clothes to wear, what kind of things to teach him...

It also left about ten hours of boredom. What was I supposed to do for ten hours? I didn't have any priorities, and I had no one to get together with. I would be stuck watching TV. Stupid shows with perfect families and people who always do the right thing, or learn their lesson and become better people. Spare me, please.

My hair had gotten wet in the rain so I blowdryed it and then stood there for a while, deciding how to wear my almost shoulder-length blonde hair for work. If I really wanted, I could use gel and maneuver it into a new, exciting style.

...but I really didn't feel like it. Besides, Shu had told me before that he loved my hair without gel.

Dismissing the hair issue, I packed a bag with CDs, a few outfits, and the things I would need for tonight, then ate a slice of toast. I tend to pass out sometimes if I don't eat, and I definitely didn't want that to happen while I was teaching the new kid. It's happened at work before but luckily it's never happened in the middle of a performance. Shu questioned me about it the few times it happened, and I always remember to eat something before I go to work now.

Time dragged by slowly. I flipped through TV channels, but each program annoyed me to some point. Eventually I gave up and grabbed my coat, heading outside for another stroll.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It had warmed up a slight bit, but the chill in the air remained. Less people were out on the streets than usual, both because of the weather and the fact that school was in session. I walked around with my hands shoved in my coat pockets, wondering why I was even alive. There was no purpose to my life. All I did was work and pay bills. And sit at home, bored out of my mind. Why did I bother?

A horn honked just then, and I turned to look. It was some old guy in a green car. He rolled down the window and grinned at me.

"Hey, hop in, hot stuff."

I gave him the finger. Did he really think that line would work?

Unfortunately, he didn't give up. "C'mon, sugar, I'll show you a great time." He winked.

I stopped walking and faced him, disgusted. He slowed his car to a stop, waiting expectantly.

"Fuck you, asshole," I said, glaring at him. "You're a disgrace to all human beings."

"Yeah, whatever. You coming or not?"

I couldn't believe the nerve of this guy. "Yeah right! Fuck off, jerk!"

Walking away, I shook my head. What an asshole.

"Hey, sexy!"

I looked back in disbelief. The same guy had gotten out of his car and was walking towards me.

"I know you want me, baby, don't resist!"

It was incredible. I walked faster, hoping he'd take the hint and leave me alone. I turned back after a minute, but he was still following me. I groaned and rounded a corner, picking up the pace even more.

"Hey."

Startled, I looked up, coming to a stop. A boy who looked not much older than me was leaning against the wall. He stood up straight and began walking to a red sports car in one of the parking spaces on the street. Getting in and settling back in his seat, he looked back at me.

"Get in."

I stared at him. Who the hell did he think he was? Then I looked back. The old guy had just rounded the corner and was walking faster now.

"I wanna see what's under those clothes, sexy!" he called to me.

Without another thought, I walked over to the boy's car and got in. He started up the engine and pulled out of the parking spot, pressing on the gas pedal and speeding away.

Sighing in relief, I turned to get a good look at the boy. He had wild brown hair, deep brown eyes, and tanned skin. He was actually pretty good-looking. And young.

"Aren't you supposed to be in school?" I asked instead of thanking him.

He stopped at a red light and looked at me. "Aren't **you**?"

I couldn't think of a good comeback, so I didn't say anything at all. I looked out the window, frowning slightly.

Since when had I become so stupid, anyway? Accepting a ride from some guy who had only said three words to me? I could've escaped the old man another way. But this guy **was** hot...

After a few minutes, I spoke again. "Where exactly are we going?"

"**You** tell **me**," the guy said smoothly.

_What the hell? Does he want me to tell him my address or something?_

I narrowed my eyes. "Are you hitting on me?"

"I don't know how you got that from what I just said, but what would you do if I did?"

He was pretty smooth.

"Probably tell you to fuck off," I answered flippantly, then paused and added something. "But in this case, I could make an exception."

His lips curved into a smirk. "Oh, really?"

"Uh-huh."

I was perfectly aware that I was flirting with this guy. I could've told him to let me out of the car and walked home, but it had occurred to me that I had nothing to lose. I also had nothing to do. And he was very attractive.

The guy opened his mouth, and I was sure he was about to make the final move.

"Too bad I'm not, then."

I stared at him, my mouth slightly ajar. Had he just turned me down? No, he couldn't have.

But the smirk on his face told me that he had.

I tried again, this time more boldly. "Why don't we go to your place? I'm sure we could find something to do there."

"Probably not."

That was it. I exploded. "Are you **not** getting the hint here!"

"Oh, I'm getting the hint, don't worry. I just don't go for people who are too easy."

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. "Are you saying I'm a whore!"

"I don't know how you're interpreting this stuff. All I'm saying is that I'm not gonna fuck you."

"Well, why the fuck not!"

I have to admit, I was surprised at myself. This was just some random guy who'd picked me up. Why was I going so crazy?

The guy chuckled a bit. "Whoa, calm down, Blondie."

"I have a name, you know," I snapped angrily.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Yamato," I said, then felt like kicking myself. Why had I just given him my name?

"Well, Yamato, I'm Taichi. And I don't go for your type."

"What the hell do you mean by 'my type'?" I asked sharply.

"Just that you're easy. We'd probably be fucking in this car right now if I'd given in."

"For your information," I replied hotly, "I'm not easy."

"Oh really? Who was the one offering me sex just now, then?"

Once again, I found myself speechless. This was stupid. Why was I still in the car with this guy?

Taichi came to another red light and glanced at me.

"I told you, I'm not gonna fuck you."

"I know."

"Good."

Taichi pressed on the gas pedal as the light turned green.

We rode for a few minutes in silence. I stared out the window. It had started to rain lightly.

"What do you want from me?" I asked aloud, still looking out at the rain.

"Nothing," Taichi said simply. "**You're** the one who wanted something from **me**."

"Then why the hell did you offer me a ride?"

"That guy was an idiot. I was just helping you out."

"Why?"

"Because I felt like helping you out. Do you have a problem with that?"

"...No, I guess not."

This was beyond weird. He didn't want sex from me. He just wanted... well, nothing.

I continued watching the rain. For some reason, I didn't want to get out of his car. And not just because it was raining.

Taichi fiddled with the radio dial for a moment, trying to find some good music. He didn't, and turned the radio off again. I remained quiet. What was there to say?

Finally, Taichi broke the silence.

"I'm skipping a few classes," he said in answer to my earlier question. "I didn't do the work, and I don't feel like getting yelled at. Besides, it's a crappy day. School would only make it worse."

"Oh. I see."

"What about you?" Taichi asked. "What's your excuse?"

"I'm not in school," I replied flatly.

"Oh." Taichi sounded surprised. "That's funny, you don't look a day over seventeen."

This guy was good at judging ages.

"I **am** seventeen. I dropped out of school three years ago."

"Oh! Shit, I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "Whatever. Everything you need to know, you learn in elementary school. High school just goes on and on about the same shit."

Taichi chuckled. "I guess that's sort of true. Why'd you drop out?"

"You don't need to know," I told him firmly.

"I guess I don't," Taichi agreed.

Good. He knew when to stop asking. This guy wasn't half bad.

"How old are you?" I questioned.

"Guess."

"Eighteen."

"Close. I'll be eighteen in a few months."

"So you're seventeen?" I asked, making sure.

"Uh-huh. Same as you."

"I see."

Turning back to the window, I realized we were driving around where I lived. I might as well get him to drop me off. After all, it was still raining.

"I live around here," I mentioned casually.

"Yeah?" he asked just as casually.

"Yeah."

"Well, isn't that lovely."

I glared at him. He wasn't stupid. He knew what I was saying.

He looked at me, catching my glare, and smirked.

"You want something, you ask. Be straight with me. No bullshit."

I frowned. "Fine. Can you drop me home?"

"Sure. Where do you live?"

"Turn right at the next intersection, and it's the second apartment on the left."

Taichi nodded and followed my directions. In no time, he'd pulled up in front of my building.

"So you live here, huh?" he asked, shifting his gaze from the apartment to me.

"Yeah." I unlocked my door and looked one last time at Taichi. "Thanks."

"No problem."

I got out of the car and shut the door, then went inside my building, getting slightly wet on the way in. I heard Taichi's car pull away and entered the password for the lobby doors, then went in and pressed the button for the elevator.

I wrapped my arms around myself, waiting for the elevator. Why had I gotten into the car with Taichi? Why had I stayed after he refused me? And why was I still thinking about him?

The elevator doors opened and I stepped in, pressing my floor. _I just wanted a ride, _I tried to convince myself. _That's why I stayed. I wanted a ride._

I got to my level and took out my keys. When I got to my door, I unlocked and opened it to find the TV on again. Muttering a curse, I turned it off. I don't know why I have such a problem remembering to turn it off when I leave the house.

Takai meowed at me and brushed against my leg. I rolled my eyes and picked him up.

"You're so spoiled, you know that?" I told him. Yes, I talk to my pets. Who doesn't?

Takai blinked at me innocently, and I smiled a bit, putting him down. "Go play with Shinigami. I have to make a phone call."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

_Riing!_

I stretched out on my couch and waited, tapping my fingers.

_Riing!_

Takai jumped up beside me, crawling onto my stomach. He meowed.

_Rii-_

"Hello?"

"Hey," I said, stroking Takai's fur.

"Oh, hey, Yamato. What's on your mind?"

"Hm... nothing, really. I was just wondering what you were up to."

"As you know, not a lot of people come here during the day, and the ones that do only want to drink and chat. Only the bartenders are working right now."

"So you're all alone?" I asked in a silky voice. Takai nudged my hand with his head. 'Pet me', he was saying.

Shu paused. "Yamato, what are you trying to do?"

"Nothing," I purred. "Relax."

"Yamato, I am **not** having phone sex with you."

I burst into laughter. Takai jumped off of my lap and ran to the other side of the room.

"Uh, Yamato?" Shu sounded confused. "You there? Yamato?"

I quickly calmed down. "Yeah, I'm here."

"What was so funny?"

"Just the thought of us really having phone sex." I smirked, ready to laugh again.

"I'm glad you find that so amusing," Shu said dryly. "Now, what was with all the seducing?"

"Nothing really. I was just bored, and since I've got no one **here** to seduce..."

I could imagine Shu rolling his eyes. "Right. Did you get the stuff ready for tonight?"

"Uh-huh. What does the kid look like?"

"You'll see for yourself tonight. Speaking of which, do you want to come in early? I told the kid to come at seven, but how much time will you need to set up?"

"Not much. But I'll come in early anyways. It isn't like I've got much else to do."

"Alright, Yamato, I get the hint. Why don't you come down here?"

"How nice of you to invite me," I said, smirking into the phone. "I'll be there in a little while. Bye."

"See you soon."

The funny thing is, Shu and I almost **did** have phone sex one time. It wasn't too long ago, either. What happened? Well, I was bored, and Shu had been hitting on me endlessly, so I guess I thought it was a good idea. I'd started out with the same lines: "You're all alone?" and "Relax", so Shu must've thought I was going to suggest it again.

Anyway, the point is, I cracked up and ruined the atmosphere, so we didn't go through with it. I'm actually pretty glad; phone sex seems kind of embarrassing. Especially with your boss, who's seven years older than you. The whole thing is kind of our secret. We'd never tell a soul.

I hung up and immediately changed clothes. I wear fairly tight clothes most of the time, but I have extra tight ones for work. I don't think I'd ever wear them out in public. I get picked up too much already.

Once I'd changed, I grabbed my bag of supplies. Even if I didn't stay there for long, I could leave the supplies there so that they'd already be there for tonight. Just to make things easier.

Grabbing my jacket and slipping my feet in my shoes, I made sure the TV was off and yelled goodbye to Shinigami and Takai. Of course, they didn't respond. I locked the door, then headed to the elevator, putting on my coat.

I could catch the bus in a few minutes. It would drop me off at the plaza a few blocks down in about five minutes. A different bus would arrive there shortly after, and it would take ten, fifteen minutes tops, to get to the bar from there. Of course, considering the weather and bus stops on the way, it could take twenty.

I caught the first bus and took a seat near the front of the bus. It started to move and I looked out the window. We passed a local high school on the way to the plaza, and I frowned slightly, reminded of Taichi.

_I'm so glad I'm going down to the bar,_ I thought. _I really need to get my mind off of him._

The second bus came just minutes after I got off the first bus. I sat down and once again found myself thinking about Taichi.

_He gave me a ride. That's all. Why am I still thinking about him? He was just another boy._

I knew I was wrong. Taichi was different. He'd turned me down. He hadn't wanted anything from me. But he was gone now, so I shouldn't still be thinking about him. I didn't need someone in my life. Love only caused trouble and lots of heartbreak. I'd experienced that first-hand.

Besides, Taichi wasn't interested. He'd made that very clear. Even if I saw him again, what good would it do?

I frowned and glanced at the other people on the bus. There was a goth with a walkman on, a balding man with a suitcase, a little girl and her mother, and two old women.

I sighed and slumped in my seat when I noticed that the bus was going slower than usual. Usually I can find someone to talk to or flirt with on the bus. But today? This was going to be a long, boring trip.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When I finally reached the bar, the rain had let up a bit. I managed to get inside without getting wet at all.

One of the bartenders, Kazu, spotted me first. He's a really nice guy.

"Yamato!" he called, waving me over.

I walked over to where he was, noticing that there were no customers in the place.

"Hey," I greeted him, sliding into one of the bar stools.

"What brings you here?" Kazu asked. "You've got today off, right?"

"Yeah, but you know me. I've got no other shit to do. Besides, Shu wants me to teach the new kid."

"Oh yeah, I heard about him. Fourteen, right? About the same age you started, isn't it?"

"Why do you think Shu wants me to coach him?"

Kazu nodded. "True. Well, you want a drink?"

"Not now. But I can assure you I'll be needing a few later. See ya, Kaz."

"Have fun."

Grabbing my bag, I headed to the back part of the bar. We each get cards with a code on them and we have to swipe them through this thing for the doors to unlock. You can't get into the back without one of those cards.

I swiped my card and the doors clicked, allowing me to open them. When I'd gotten in and closed them, they locked automatically so that no one could get in. Security is pretty tight here, although there's no reason for so much. I never really understood. It's just a bar, not a bank or a jewelry store or something.

There are a few parts to the back area: the studio, Shu's office, a storage room, a bathroom, and a few other rooms that serve multi purposes. It's a pretty big place.

Shu's office door was unlocked, so I opened it. He was on the phone, but when he saw me he told the person to hang on for a minute and pressed hold.

"Yamato! Come in!"

I did, shutting the door behind me. "You busy?" I asked, sitting in a chair on the other side of his desk.

"No, just give me a second." Shu picked up the phone again. "Sorry, you were saying...?"

Curious, I got up and walked around to Shu's side of the desk, placing myself on his lap so that I could hear the person on the other line. They weren't talking about anything interesting; just business.

I rested my head on Shu's shoulder, pressing a kiss to his neck. Shu glanced at me quickly before replying to the person on the phone. He was probably wondering what I was up to. I bit him lightly on the shoulder and he jumped slightly, becoming a bit flustered. I smirked. This was fun.

Shu had no idea what I had in store for him. I slid my hand down to the front of his pants, stroking lightly. Shu's face turned red and he covered the mouthpiece.

"Stop it," he hissed, swatting my hand away.

I smiled at him innocently and he gave me a warning look, returning to the conversation.

"Do you really think that will work?" I whispered to him, my lips brushing his ear slightly. "I thought you knew me better."

"Uh, just a second please?" Shu pushed hold again and put down the phone, glaring at me. "Yamato, this is an important call!"

"Uh-huh, sure it is." I placed my lips over Shu's, slowly working at the fastenings on his pants.

He broke the kiss and tried to remove my hands. "Yamato-"

I kissed him again, finally getting his pants open and rubbing his sensitive area. Shu gasped and pulled away.

"I'm on the phone, Yamato, stop-"

"I don't care," I told him, brushing my lips against his. My hand tightened around his member, and he stifled a moan.

"You know you want this," I breathed, straddling his lap.

Suddenly, a knock sounded on the door. Shu jumped, then turned a bright red and began frantically doing up his pants. I sighed and got off of him, going back to my original seat.

"Uh, just a second!" he called, trying desperately to regain his composure and conceal his "situation".

"Calm down," I said, leaning back and crossing my legs. "Nothing happened."

Shu shot me a glare, then called for the person to come in and picked up the phone, apologizing for the wait.

The door opened and Kaminaga Tsuruki walked in. Tsuruki was my coach when I first starting dancing at the bar. He and I have had a few intimate experiences while dancing together...

"Hey," Tsuruki said, sitting in the chair beside me. "How long has he been on the phone?"

I grinned crookedly. "Not long."

Tsuruki rolled his eyes. "You're a little slut, you know that?"

"Fuck you, 'Ruki."

He grinned. "Gladly."

"Yes... alright, call me when you get the information. Thanks. Bye." Shu hung up.

"What is it, Tsuruki? Yamato, you can leave, I'll deal with you later."

"I can't wait," I said with a smirk, "but I think I'll stay."

Shu threw me one last glare, then turned to Tsuruki. "Well, what is it?"

"Ryuichi just quit. Says he's tired of Yamato getting all the attention."

Ryuichi is the one I told you about, the sixteen-year old. I'd suspected he was jealous of me, but I never thought he'd actually admit it.

"Great," Shu said, rolling his eyes. "Well, Ryuichi wasn't one of our best dancers, if you know what I mean. We can replace him. Probably with the kid who's coming tonight. But you know, Yamato, you **do** get a lot of attention."

"It isn't **my** fault," I said with a pout. "I just do my job."

"You do it too damn well," Tsuruki remarked. "Every guy who walks in here wants you. And half of them get you."

"Shut the fuck up, 'Ruki," I said, scowling.

"Whoa, calm down! I didn't mean to insult you or anything."

"Well, you did, okay?" I snapped. Shu and Tsuruki were surprised. I hardly ever go off like that.

"I'm gonna go," Tsuruki said, standing up. "I'll see you later, Yamato. You too, Shu."

Tsuruki left the office, making a point of closing the door when he left.

Shu raised an eyebrow at me, leaning back in his chair. "What was **that** all about?"

"Nothing," I muttered, crossing my arms stubbornly.

"Whatever you say, Yamato. So, would you like to explain exactly what you were doing before Tsuruki interrupted?"

"Not really."

"Yamato, that wasn't a question."

"It sure sounded like one," I retorted.

"Are you finished arguing with me?" Shu asked.

"You started it."

"Yamato, I'm not fighting with you! Calm down!"

"I would if you'd all stop accusing me of being a slut!"

I realized what I'd said and looked away, biting my lip. I hadn't meant to say that. I **definitely** hadn't.

"Yamato?" Shu asked softly. "Is that what's bothering you?"

"Fuck off," I choked out, tears burning my eyes.

Shu sighed and came to sit beside me. "Yamato, I don't think you're a slut."

"Liar," I hissed.

Shu pulled me out of my chair and managed to maneuver me so that I was sitting in his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and a few of my tears spilled out. He sighed again and rocked me back and forth gently.

"Is that really what you think? That we consider you a slut?"

"You do," I sobbed. "Ruki even said it, he said I was a slut..."

"He wasn't serious, beautiful. No one thinks of you that way."

"Yeah right... how do **you** know?"

"Because you're not a slut, Yamato. Do **you** think you're a slut?"

I didn't say anything, and Shu prompted me. "Beautiful?"

"I offered sex to a guy earlier," I confessed quietly. "I didn't even know him. I got in his car and just offered him sex... he was right, I **am** easy... I'm such a fucking slut..."

Shu ran a hand through my hair, lightly kissing my lips. "Stop crying, beautiful, you're **not** a slut. Now, why don't you tell me the whole story?"

So I did, pausing every few sentences to brush away some tears. By the time I was through, Shu's shirt was soaked. But he just stroked my back and hugged me closer, kissing me every so often until my sobs died down.

"Listen to me, Yamato," Shu said softly. "There's no way you'll ever be known as a slut. If someone **does** call you that, they're an idiot and they don't know what they're talking about. Because you're not, and never will be, a slut."

I let out a sigh, smiling shakily at Shu. "Th-thanks."

"Hey, no problem." Shu kissed my forehead. "You okay now?"

"I th-think so." I got up and wiped my tears away. "I'm gonna go to the washroom... I'll be right back."

"Alright, beautiful. Come back soon, though, okay?"

"Okay."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Let me explain. Shu and I aren't in a relationship that way. Not in the least. He's just the one I go to with my problems. He's the only one I **can** go to. I have no one else. At times like that, Shu knows what I need and gives it to me. If it happens to be a kiss or two, so be it.

Yes, I occasionally hit on him, but just for fun. Or just when I have something on my mind and need to get it out, or when I want someone to hug or kiss. Neither of us takes it seriously. Shu knows I don't mean anything by any of it.

Shu's the closest person to me, and I know I can tell him anything. He knows me better than anyone in my family ever did. I get sort of scared when I think about us, because I know I've actually grown close to him, and I don't want to be hurt again. But I know Shu would never hurt me intentionally, and besides, I need someone to talk to about my problems. If I didn't have Shu, I would burst.

When I returned to Shu's office, he'd changed his shirt. I sat down in the chair across from him and smiled apologetically.

"Sorry about your shirt."

Shu waved his hand in dismissal. "Doesn't matter. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Just keep 'Ruki away from me."

Shu chuckled. "Will do. Wouldn't want you strangling him; he's gotta work tonight."

"Yeah... hey, can I leave this stuff here until later? It's all the stuff I'll need for training the kid."

"Sure. You leaving now?"

"I dunno. I'll probably just talk to Kazu and the others for a while. Don't worry, I won't hurt 'Ruki that much."

Shu laughed. "Alright. Come back here before you leave, okay?"

I nodded. "See you then."

I left Shu's office and closed the door, then headed out of the back area. There was only one customer, and he was sitting in one of the bar stools, staring straight ahead of him. Kazu, Tsuruki, and a few others were sitting at a table, talking. Hiroshi, a dancer; Toichi, also a dancer; and Eichiro, a bartender, were the other three.

"Hey," I said, sitting down beside Kazu. Everyone nodded a greeted.

"You alright?" Tsuruki asked me.

"Fine," I said coolly. "No thanks to you, of course, but fine."

"I said I was sorry."

"I know. Drop it."

"Are we missing something here?" Hiroshi asked.

I shook my head. "Nothing, Hiroshi."

"Yeah, nothing," Tsuruki said sarcastically. "Yamato here just decided to start yelling at me for no reason."

"I **said**, drop it."

"Not until you tell me why you've got a stick up your pretty little ass."

"Fuck you, 'Ruki! If you weren't such a fucking asshole, you'd know what shit you said that got me pissed!"

Everyone was taken aback. Like I said, I don't usually go off easily. Sure, I tell people to fuck off and sometimes use the "f-word" excessively, but I don't explode and yell at people like I was doing.

"Calm down, 'Mato," Kazu said, putting an arm around my shoulder. "You okay?"

"Not until he fucking takes it back!"

"Takes **what** back?" asked Eichiro.

"What he fucking said!" I exclaimed angrily.

"I don't even **know** what the fuck I said!" Tsuruki defended himself. "All I know is that you got all pissed and started yelling at me!"

"Well I don't exactly appreciate being called a slut!"

I hadn't meant for it to slip out that time, either. Especially not in front of all of them. Everyone was silent and I glared at the floor, cursing myself silently.

"...so **that**'s what is was?" Tsuruki asked, his voice a lot gentler than before.

"No, shithead," I said sarcastically. "I just fucking said that for fun."

"Hey, I'm just asking a question." Tsuruki looked hurt.

"A fucking stupid one," I muttered.

"Alright, Yamato," Toichi said, "I think that's enough cursing for today."

Like I said, excessive use of the word "fuck".

"I'm sorry for calling you a slut," Tsuruki said. "I didn't know it would upset you."

"Well, what the fuck did you think it would do!" I cried.

"Yamato," Kazu warned. I glared at him, but calmed down.

"I was just kidding," Tsuruki told me. "I didn't mean it."

I snorted. "Yeah, right."

"Seriously! If you were a slut, you'd throw yourself at every person you saw. And you don't."

"I **know** I'm not a fucking slut! You just pissed me off by saying that."

Tsuruki looked like he didn't believe me, but let it go.

"Well, I'm sorry. We cool now?"

"Whatever." I stood up. "Look, I'm gonna go now. Bye."

I walked away without waiting to hear their goodbyes. I'd promised Shu that I would stop by his office before I left, but I couldn't be bothered. I just wanted to go home and sleep away all the hurt and anger.

So I did.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

I actually slept for longer than I had in days. When I woke up, it was 5:00 and there was a message on my phone. It was Shu, telling me to call him before I came to work.

Picking up the phone, I dialed Shu's office. It rang once, then Shu picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Yamato, why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"

"Are you mad?"

"No, I just don't understand why you wouldn't."

"Ruki and I... we sort of had a fight. He apologized and all, but I didn't want to be around him anymore."

"You still could've dropped in."

I scowled, even though he couldn't see me. "Yeah, well, I didn't."

"I'm not picking a fight with you. Calm down."

After a moment, I sighed. "Yeah... sorry. I guess I'm kind of frustrated today."

"Well, try to loosen up. When will you be here?"

"The latest, six-thirty. I just have to get dressed and stuff."

"Don't be late. See you soon."

"Bye."

I hung up, then took an hot shower. It helped my muscles relax, and calmed me down overall. Then I blowdryed my hair and marveled at how soft it was. I decided not to put gel in. Why ruin my hair's natural beauty? Yes, I'm vain sometimes. Everyone is.

Now, to get dressed. I would need some extremely tight clothes, preferably a dark color. Light colors don't look half as sexy.

Eventually, I decided on a pair of tight, black pants and a tight black shirt with some blue on it. Then I carefully applied mascara and eyeliner to my eyes, and a bit of eyeshadow.

Yes, I wear makeup sometimes. It helps complete the look, okay?

And of course, I had to bring lip gloss with me. Chapped lips are terrible. I never allow my lips to get chapped or split. Before you ask, no, the lip gloss has no color or shine. I'm not a drag queen or anything.

Once I was ready, I realized I couldn't walk down the street looking like this. Riding the bus would be pretty crazy, too. With a sigh, I called Shu again.

"Hello?"

"It's me again. Are you busy?"

"Don't tell me- you need a drive."

"Kinda."

"I'll be there soon. Make sure you're ready."

He hung up, and I checked to make sure I looked good, then slipped on my watch and shoes. I said goodbye to Takai and Shinigami, then locked up and went to wait for Shu outside my building.

Shu showed up in around fifteen minutes. I got into the passenger seat and he took a look at me.

"Can you even move in those pants?"

"Barely."

Shu chuckled and stepped on the gas. "You're insane."

"Maybe a bit." I grinned at him.

"Well, you're also insanely sexy." Shu's hand crept over to my thigh and squeezed it, brushing another area also.

"Shu!" I gave him a look.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Weren't you the one insisting that I stop hitting on you?"

"I was on the phone."

"Well, you hurt my feelings." I pouted, making Shu laugh.

"Cute. Anyway, I hear this kid is quite a looker. You interested?"

"He **is** three years younger... maybe I'll just "accidentally" rub against a few certain spots..."

"You're evil."

"You brought it up."

"I guess I did."

When we got to the bar, a few people helped us set up. We finished at around 6:45, which left me 15 minutes until the kid arrived. I hung out around the bar, seeing as there were still only a few customers.

"Hey, Kaz," I said when he stopped to say hi. "I need a drink."

"You've got that kid to train, don't you?"

"Uh-huh."

"Here." Kazu handed me a drink. "Don't ask what it is, just drink."

I nodded and gulped it down. It was just enough to get me in the mood for work. I grinned at Kazu.

"Thanks. See ya later."

"Good luck."

I headed to the back and found Tsuruki in the studio. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled.

"What do you want?" I asked in an unfriendly voice.

Tsuruki sighed. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. I really shouldn't have called you a slut. I was a jerk."

"Damn right you were," I muttered, bending down to select which CD I wanted to use first.

"Well, you're not a slut. It was wrong of me to say that and I'm really really sorry and dammit, you've got such a nice ass!" Tsuruki slapped himself on the forehead. "Shit, sorry!"

I shrugged, still looking through the CDs. "No big deal. Anyway, you're forgiven."

"Thanks. Do you mind if I stare at your ass?"

I chuckled a bit. "Not at all."

"Well, do you mind if I touch it?"

I snorted and stood up. "You're pathetic."

"I know. Have fun with the kid. Don't corrupt him too much."

"Shut up, 'Ruki."

Tsuruki laughed and left. I slipped the CD into the stereo and stood up, hearing the door open again. It was Shu. I started to say something, then noticed the figure behind him.

I stared. **This** was the kid?

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

"Yamato, meet our new dancer-in-training, Daisuke. Daisuke, meet Yamato."

I couldn't stop staring. He was definitely hot. **Definitely**.

Daisuke smiled shyly at me. "Hi. Nice to meet you."

I snapped out of my trance and nodded. "Same here. Fourteen, huh?"

He nodded. "How old are **you**?"

"Seventeen. I was fourteen when I started."

"Wow, really?"

"Uh-huh."

"I'm going to leave now," said Shu. "Take good care of him, Yamato."

"Don't worry, I will." I smirked, and Shu shot me a look, then left the studio.

"Alright," I said, rummaging through my bag. "The first thing you're gonna do is change. If you're gonna be a dancer, you've gotta wear tight clothes. I brought an outfit for you, but I don't know if it'll fit..."

"I don't think it will."

I raised an eyebrow. "No? Why not?"

"You're really skinny. I mean, not in a bad way, but you're just really thin."

"Well, I guess I'll take that as a compliment."

"It **was** a compliment."

"Even better. Anyway, Shu keeps a bunch of clothes here just in case..."

I opened a door, revealing tight clothes of all kinds. "Pick something you think will fit and go change into it."

"Does it have to be as tight as your clothes?" he asked uncomfortably.

I laughed. "No. Why, don't like tight clothes?"

Daisuke blushed. "I just... I don't usually wear tight clothes..."

"That's okay. I wear this stuff 'cause I've gotten used to it. You'll loosen up over time."

"It's not that..."

"No?" I raised my eyebrow again. "Then what?"

"Um, well... you can wear that stuff because you're so... well... hot," Daisuke's blush darkened, "but I can't because, well..."

My eyes trailed over his body, and he fidgeted uncomfortably.

"You're hot," I stated.

"I.. wh-what?"

"You're hot," I repeated. "Go get changed. You'll be even hotter in tight clothes."

Still blushing, Daisuke chose an outfit and scurried off to change. I changed the CD in the CD player and looked at my reflection to make sure everything was in place. One full wall of the studio is a mirror. It's helpful for teaching new dancers.

Daisuke returned soon, dressed in a relatively tight outfit.

"Good," I said in approval. "Now, a few questions. Have you ever danced before?"

"Not like this," Daisuke said.

"Okay. How many guys have you dated before?"

"Not many," Daisuke said truthfully.

"Like how many?" I asked, curious.

Daisuke blushed. "One."

"One?" I couldn't hold back my shock.

"Um, yeah. I know, it's crazy."

"Kind of. How long were you going out?"

"A month. Then he dumped me for this girl he liked."

"Ohh..." I nodded in understanding. "He was bi, huh?"

"Yeah."

"What about you? Bi or gay?"

"Not interested in girls."

"I see. So, why'd you decide to get into this sort of thing?"

Daisuke sighed. "I don't have anything to lose."

"Explain?"

"I'm adopted."

That explained a lot.

"Really? Man, that sucks."

"Yeah. My real parents were so poor when they had me that they had to put me up for adoption. I've been to a couple of different homes. This one I've been in for three years. I think they're getting tired of me, though."

"Tell me more," I said, pulling over two chairs and sitting in one.

Daisuke sat down in the other one.

"I have an older sister, Jun. We were both sent to the same family at first, but then we got split up. The family decided to keep just her and not me. Jun didn't want for us to be separated, so she and I ran away one night. We lived on the streets for a little while. Jun did some things to earn money. She never told me what, but I suspected that she was, well... you know. After a while, someone offered us a home. Of course, we accepted.

"The guy treated us like crap. He raped Jun and beat us both. He didn't feed us, and Jun and I managed to escape. The next person who came along was a lady, but she only wanted one kid and Jun didn't want me to go through any more bad stuff, so she sent me along with the woman. Since then, I've been from home to home. I still don't know what happened to Jun."

Daisuke was nearly in tears now, and I listened sympathetically. This kid had been through some shit, just like me.

"The relationship I told you about ended a few days ago," Daisuke told me. "That's another reason why I'm doing this. But most of all, I want to get my own place and find Jun."

I shook my head. "You really remind me of, well... myself. I did the running away thing, too. I wasn't adopted, though, and I've been through a lot of shit. And I mean a **lot**. But I got my own place when I was fourteen. I had to do some shit, sure, but I did it. I'm sure you can, too."

"Thanks. For listening, I mean. And-"

"No problem," I cut him off, getting up. "But we should probably start what we're here to do. Shu will get pissed off if I don't teach you **some**thing."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

"Is Shu a nice guy?" Daisuke asked as we got up and pushed the chairs aside.

"He's great," I told Daisuke. "Probably the best boss you'll ever get. Listen, I'm gonna turn on the music and I want you to dance. I know you've never done this before, but try."

"I'm gonna look stupid."

"If you do, I promise I won't laugh."

Daisuke sighed. "Okay."

I pressed play on the CD. "I'll be right back, ok? Try to get comfortable with all this. Dance a bit."

Flashing Daisuke a smile, I jogged across the studio and exited, shutting the door behind me. Hopefully he'd be a bit less tense by the time I got back.

I left the back area and headed to the bar. Customers were slowly gathering. Kazu and Eichiro were both in the middle of bringing customers a drink, and Toichi was hanging out behind the counter as well.

"Hey, 'Mato," Toichi said with a smile as I walked up.

"Hey, 'Ichi. Do you know where Tsuruki is?"

"Right here," came a voice from behind me. Tsuruki slung his arms around my lower waist and whispered in my ear. "You want something, hot stuff?"

"You're a bastard, and yes, I do."

Tsuruki ran his tongue along my neck. "Mm... well, you're gonna have to pay."

"That's gross," I said, pulling away, "and you're doing me this favor whether you like it or not."

"Ooh, feisty," Tsuruki teased.

I ignored him. "I left the Daisuke kid to dance alone for a minute so he can get comfortable and shit. I need you to help me with him. You know, demonstrate."

"Sure thing, baby. You **do** owe me now, though."

"Whatever," I said, rolling my eyes.

Tsuruki and I headed back to the studio, peeking through the door to watch Daisuke before we entered. Daisuke was actually doing okay. Especially because he thought no one was watching.

"Hey!" Tsuruki called out as we stepped in.

Daisuke nearly had a heart attack, and Tsuruki burst out laughing. Daisuke looked at me in confusion and surprise.

"He's a jerk, but he's one hell of a dancer. His name is Tsuruki. 'Ruki, meet Daisuke."

"Nice to meet you," Tsuruki snickered, shaking Daisuke's hand.

"You looked good just now," I told Daisuke. "The only part about this that's gonna be hard is getting rid of your shyness."

"I can get rid of his **innocence**," Tsuruki said, grinning.

I flipped Tsuruki off and focused my attention on Daisuke.

"Ignore him. Anyway, there isn't much to learn about this kind of dancing. You basically just go with the flow. I'll take you out to watch the other dancers a bit later. That's when all the action starts. For now, we'll stick to back here. Tsuruki and I will do a little demonstration."

I turned on the music and pulled Tsuruki over. He rolled his eyes, but began moving with me to the music. Daisuke watched, seemingly studying our moves. Luckily, Tsuruki didn't do anything... let's just say... X-rated.

"Now I'm gonna try it with **you**," I said to Daisuke, stepping close to him. Then I noticed how tall he was. He was the same height as me, if not taller.

I'm not a very tall person, but I'm not short either. And if Daisuke was only fourteen, then he was very tall for his age.

Tsuruki turned on some music for us and I took Daisuke's arms, placing them around my waist. He was very tense.

"Loosen up," I said to him. "Pretend you've known me all your life or something."

"It's not that easy," Daisuke said with a nervous laugh. He began moving a bit to the music, and I put my hands on his hips, guiding his waist.

"You have to move more, Daisuke. Don't be so stiff. Your motions all have to flow together. By the way... can I call you Dai?"

Daisuke nodded and tried to follow my directions. He was doing a little better, but he was still so hesitant.

"Don't be afraid to touch me," I said with a grin, noticing that he was keeping his hands where I'd put them.

Daisuke blushed, and I laughed. "Don't worry, 'Ruki touches me plenty. Of course, he'd probably rape me if he had the chance..."

"Hey!" Tsuruki yelped.

"I'm just kidding," I said, noticing the alarmed looked on Daisuke's face. I moved closer and winked at him. "No one here is like that."

I lightly kissed Daisuke's jaw, and his blush deepened. Tsuruki laughed.

"Be like Yamato," he said with a smirk. "Seduce people."

"I do **not**," I argued, letting go of Daisuke and shooting Tsuruki a pointed glare.

Tsuruki shrugged innocently and looked up at the ceiling.

"Anyway," I said to Daisuke. "You have to develop your own style. The best thing is probably to practice in a mirror. And if you have a friend that's willing, practice with him. You have to try being more daring and more wild... 'Ruki, what time is it?"

"Almost eight, why?"

"The crowd should be getting bigger," I said thoughtfully. "Another half hour, you think?"

"Maybe. Stuff will get completely crazy at ten, so it should probably be before 9:30."

"Yeah... okay, Dai, we're gonna take you to watch some dancers in a little while. 'Til then, we'll try practicing some more. I want to see you dance on your own first."

"B-but..."

"Just do it, Daisuke. Don't worry about how you look. I won't laugh, and neither will 'Ruki, or I'll kill him."

Tsuruki pulled me down onto his lap, mumbling something about me being a demanding bitch. I ignored him and switched on the CD player.

Daisuke was blushing slightly. He began moving a little bit, but it wasn't nearly enough.

"Daisuke, pretend we're not here," I said, then paused. "Do you have a crush on anyone?"

"Umm... not really... kind of."

"Well, pretend there's someone that you want to impress. Dance for them."

"I'll try," Daisuke said with a sigh.

Tsuruki's hands were resting between my legs, and I knew he was about to try something. Sure enough, he began rubbing the area slightly. I slapped his hand away and looked at Daisuke, who was doing a little better. But not enough.

"The kid needs a drink," Tsuruki said with a snort.

I glared at him, but silently agreed and stood up.

"Alright, Dai, let's go. Do you drink?"

"Um..."

"Don't worry, it won't do any harm this once. We can just all have a drink and talk a bit until some stuff starts happening."

"Uh, I guess..."

"Good." I pulled Tsuruki out of the chair and turned the music off, taking Daisuke by his arm. "Let's go."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**


	3. Better Give Me Something So I Don't Die

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Digimon or anything like that.

**Novocain**  
**You'd Better Give Me Something So I Don't Die**  
by: n-chan

"Guys, meet Daisuke. Daisuke, meet Kazu, Toichi, Hiroshi, and Eichiro. Kazu and Eichiro are bartenders. Kazu likes to make up drinks of his own. Hiroshi and Toichi are dancers."

"It's nice to meet you," Daisuke said.

"You're a hottie," Hiroshi said. "I can see why Shu chose you."

Daisuke blushed.

"Get the kid a drink, Kaz," I said. "He needs to loosen up."

Kazu grinned. "I know just what he needs."

Kazu began mixing a drink for Daisuke. I turned to Eichiro.

"I seriously need a drink. Just bring me anything."

Eichiro shrugged and left for a moment, then returned with a drink I couldn't identify. I took a sip and felt a burning sensation in my throat.

"Shit, this stuff is strong!" I took another sip.

Toichi shook his head. "You're gonna get drunk, Yamato."

"No shit," I said, rolling my eyes.

Tsuruki grabbed the drink from me and took a gulp.

"My God, Eichiro, what **is** this stuff!"

I went to grab the bottle back, but Tsuruki held it away from me.

"Ruki, give it to me."

"It's too strong."

"Why do you fucking care!"

"Because if I let you drink this, you're gonna end up going home with someone tonight."

It was true, but I still wasn't going to admit it.

"Just give me the fucking bottle!"

"Here you go," Kazu said, appearing suddenly with Daisuke's drink. He placed it down in front of Daisuke.

Tsuruki and I stopped arguing to watch Daisuke, who picked up the glass and slowly brought it to his lips. He took a small sip and we all waited for the verdict.

"This is actually pretty good," Daisuke admitted.

"Another victory!" Kazu exclaimed, and we all laughed.

I saw that Ruki had hidden the bottle and decided to use another technique.

"Ruki," I said, moving onto his lap, "give me the bottle."

"Like I said, no way."

"C'mon," I pouted.

"No."

Frustrated, I pressed my lips to Tsuruki's, prodding his mouth open with my tongue. He let me slip my tongue inside for a moment, then broke the kiss.

"No," he repeated.

I glared at him. "So I just frenched you for nothing?"

"Yup."

I threw him another glare and got off of his lap.

"You two are hilarious," Hiroshi said. "One of you is always hitting on or trying to seduce the other."

"Not true," I said. "I would never try to seduce **him**."

"What do you call that just now?" Hiroshi asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Fuck you," I muttered.

"Yamato, aren't you supposed to be in the back?"

I jumped slightly when I heard Shu's voice and turned around. He was looking at me expectantly.

"We're getting him to watch for a bit so he can learn," I said matter-of-factly.

Shu nodded. "I see. Then one of you better start dancing, because the crowd is certainly getting bigger."

"I'll start it off," Hiroshi volunteered, getting up.

"Good," Shu said, sitting down in the spot Hiroshi had been. "I think I'll stay a little bit."

Someone dimmed the lights and started up some music. People began to sense what was coming and started to get excited. Everyone was ordering drinks, so Kazu and Eichiro had their hands full.

"Like it here so far?" Shu asked Daisuke.

Daisuke nodded. "Yamato's a really good teacher."

"Thanks, Dai," I said, shooting Shu a pointed look. "Now, watch Hiroshi. This is sort of like a warm-up for the rest of the night. Believe me, things get wild."

"And some **people** get wild," Tsuruki said, smirking.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, horny bastards like **you**."

Shu turned to Daisuke. "I'm sure you've figured out that they're not the best to be around when they're together."

Daisuke laughed.

"He always starts it," I complained, "and then **I** get blamed! I haven't done **anything**!"

"Yeah, right," Tsuruki said with a snort. "You frenched me five minutes ago!"

"Don't complain if you ever want it to happen again," I said, glaring at him.

That shut him up.

Shu laughed. "You two should dance tonight if it gets busy."

I shook my head. "Tomorrow. You're working, right, 'Ruki?"

"Of course. Hey, is Dai coming tomorrow?"

"If he wants," Shu said, looking at Daisuke.

"I guess," Daisuke said with a shrug.

"You're gonna have the time of your life," Tsuruki said with a grin.

"I'm gonna go join Hiroshi," Toichi said. "More people are coming in."

Shu nodded. "Go ahead."

Toichi went to dance with Hiroshi, and we instructed Daisuke to watch them. He was still sipping on his drink, and slowly becoming less tense. Tsuruki and I grinned at each other. It was only a matter of time...

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

By 9:30, things were getting crazy. Daisuke had gotten another drink, and we'd slipped a bit more alcohol than before in it. Luckily, he hadn't noticed, and he was perking up. Tsuruki and I had a few more drinks, and Shu had gone off somewhere.

"What's the wildest thing you've ever done while dancing?" Daisuke asked us, grinning.

"Us? Hm..." Tsuruki thought for a moment. "Oh! Remember that time, 'Mato? I think it was a few months ago, and you were still sixteen. It was on a Friday?"

I knew what he was talking about. "How the hell could I forget! You were so fucking drunk!"

"You were, too, or you would've killed me," Tsuruki said with a laugh. He took a couple sips of his drink.

"True," I agreed, nodding.

"Well, what **was** it?" Daisuke asked, growing impatient.

"I gave him a handjob while we were dancing," Tsuruki said.

Daisuke burst into laughter, and soon Tsuruki and I were laughing too. Tsuruki grabbed a bottle and took a big gulp, then his eyes widened.

"Gah! That's gonna fucking kill me!"

Curious, I took a sip. It was the drink from earlier. Before Tsuruki could attempt to stop me, I downed almost half the bottle.

"A drunk Yamato," Tsuruki groaned. "Great."

"Drink, you dumbass," I said, practically shoving the bottle in his mouth and making him drink.

I'd "accidentally" knocked some more alcohol into Daisuke's drink, and it was obviously taking effect, because he was giggling insanely.

Tsuruki nearly choked at the taste of the drink going down his throat, but I wouldn't let him stop until the bottle was finished.

"There!" I cried, jumping on Tsuruki's lap and wrapping my arms around him. "Good boy!"

I patted Tsuruki on the head and he grinned at me, the drink kicking in.

"I wanna dance," he said, getting up and nearly knocking me to the ground. He and I got up onto one of the tables and began dancing very, very close.

The crowd was already loud, but they went even more crazy when they saw Tsuruki and me. I giggled and winked at them, sometimes blowing kisses. Yes, that's how drunk I was.

Tsuruki spotted Dai and waved him over.

"C'mon, dance with us!" he called, slurring slightly in his speech.

Daisuke bounced over to us and we pulled him up onto the table. The crowd got louder.

I pulled Daisuke into a long, deep kiss, which pleased the crowd to no end. Tsuruki was the one who broke us up, claiming that we were hogging the spotlight.

The three of us danced for a while, and I remember having many more drinks inbetween. Eventually, I started to get a headache and feel dizzy. My stomach was starting to hurt and I felt like I was going to throw up. Daisuke's drunkenness hadn't worn off whatsoever, but Tsuruki noticed my sudden change of spirit, and wisely drank a few glasses of water to try and sober up a bit.

I was feeling really dizzy by this time, and I got off the table to go puke in the bathroom. Unfortunately, I was too dizzy to find my way. However, Tsuruki was sober enough to realize what was going on. He hopped down from the table, picked me up, and carried me away from the crowd.

When we got into the back, away from all the noise, there was nothing to distract me from my pains and dizziness, so it seemed worse.

"My head," I whimpered, letting my head fall onto Tsuruki's shoulder. "It hurts... and I wanna throw up..."

Tsuruki didn't say anything, just carried me to the bathroom. I threw up a few times, and by then, Tsuruki had sobered right up. When he gets drunk, it's not for long unless he keeps drinking.

"I knew this was gonna happen," he said with a sigh. "I told you not to drink that shit, 'Mato."

"Fuck you," I mumbled, then threw up again.

"Funny how no matter what, you still say that to me," Tsuruki remarked. "Anyway, there's no way you're going home tonight. Either you come to my place or you stay here."

"Get Shu," I said, then moaned in pain.

Tsuruki nodded, then went and got Shu. Needless to say, he wasn't too pleased.

"Fuck, Yamato! On the night I wanted you to train Daisuke, too!" Shu turned to Tsuruki. "Where the hell **is** he!"

Tsuruki winced. "Um... drunk and dancing on a table?"

"Shit! Go get him, Tsuruki! I'll take care of Yamato."

Tsuruki left without any argument whatsoever. I guess he didn't want to upset Shu further.

"You're coming to my place," Shu said, shaking his head. "I really don't feel like staying here tonight because you decided to get so drunk you can't even walk. Yamato, what the hell has gotten into you!"

"Sorry," I whispered, tears filling my eyes. Being drunk sometimes causes me to be overly emotional.

Shu sighed, exasperated, and helped me off of the bathroom floor. "That's it. I'm taking you to my place right now. I'll be right back, Yamato. Don't move an inch."

Shu talked with his assistant, told Tsuruki to get someone to stay with Daisuke overnight at the studio, and took care of any other quick business. Then he came back for me, got his stuff, and we left.

I had motion sickness a few times while we were on our way to Shu's, and he had to pull over so I could throw up. When we finally **did** reach his house, I brushed my teeth about five times to get the taste of throw-up out of my mouth.

Shu helped me change into pajamas and got me settled in bed, then brought me some water to drink.

"I really don't know why you do this to yourself," he said with a sigh, shaking his head.

I took a sip of the water and stared into it for a moment.

"Sorry," I said softly, really meaning it this time.

Shu sighed again. "Don't worry about it, beautiful. I shouldn't have gotten so mad. I'm the one who's sorry. Now, get some sleep, okay?"

Shu got up to leave, but I grabbed his arm.

"Don't go, please?"

"Beautiful, what do you want me to do?"

I tugged Shu down onto the bed with pleading eyes and he sighed.

"Alright... scoot over, then."

I moved over so that Shu could get into bed beside me, then cuddled up to him, feeling cold.

"Goodnight, Yamato," Shu said, kissing my forehead.

"G'nite," I murmured, sighing and letting my eyes close.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Friday morning, I woke up alone. I groaned softly and glanced on the night table, where Shu had left me a note. It basically said that he had to go to work to take care of a few things and that I didn't have to work that night if I didn't want to.

Most people would be happy to get a day off work, especially a Friday. But those people have lives, unlike me. The only life I have is at work. Not many things stop me from working. This hangover was definitely not going to get in my way.

I looked at the clock and sat up in surprise when I saw that it was noon. If I didn't know Shu better, I'd think the hangover had caused me to sleep more. But I got the feeling that Shu had slipped a sleeping pill into the water he'd brought me the night before. He knows about my sleeping problem, and he's done that a few times before.

I didn't have to worry about clothes to wear- Shu keeps some of my clothes at his house in case of emergencies or just in case I forget. He's also got a bunch of stuff of mine that I brought to his house a long while ago. I leave it there for times like these.

I had just finished making myself presentable when there was a knock on the door. Figuring it was someone from work, I checked in the mirror quickly, then went to answer the door. When I opened it, I groaned.

"What are you doing here?"

Tsuruki flashed me a smile. "I heard from Shu that you were over here. I know you've probably got a hangover, so I decided to come check up on you."

"For your information, I feel fine."

Just then, a pain surged through my head, and I winced. Tsuruki raised an eyebrow.

"Really? It doesn't look like it."

"Oh, fuck off."

Tsuruki ignored me and came in, closing and locking the door behind him.

"Did you eat breakfast yet?"

"No, why?"

"I'll make it for you!"

I rolled my eyes. "No, 'Ruki."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not hungry."

"Oh, do you feel ill from last night?"

"No, I'm just not hungry."

"Okay, jeez, don't yell."

"I wasn't yelling!"

"**Now** you are."

I glared at him darkly, and he stepped back.

"Whoa, 'Mato, calm down! I'm just trying to help!"

"Then go back to work and stay away from me!"

"Why? All I'm doing is trying to help you!"

"I don't **want** your help!"

Tsuruki frowned. "I'm not gonna fucking rape you, Yamato, what the hell is your problem?"

"I don't **have** any fucking problem."

"If Shu was here, you'd jump into his arms and beg him to help you. Well, who was the one who carried you to the bathroom last night, huh? Was it **Shu**? No!"

"You're jealous," I realized.

"No, I just-"

"Yes, you are." I smirked. "I can't believe this. You're **jealous**? Of **Shu**?"

"Shut up."

"You **are**!" I laughed, and Tsuruki's face turned slightly red.

"I'm not jealous, and I'm going back to work since you won't let me take care of you."

Tsuruki left the apartment, and I grinned. The thought of Tsuruki being jealous was hilarious. It was kind of cute, actually.

I locked the door and began to think about what I was going to do to keep myself occupied. Luckily, the phone rang just then.

I picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hey, beautiful."

"Oh, hi, Shu."

"You feeling better?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Listen, Yamato, I've got tons of business to take care of. It's gonna take me a while. I'm really sorry that I can't come check up on you, but it's gotta be done-"

"Shu, it's okay. I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I know you're not one hundred percent better."

"I feel fine. Nothing's wrong."

Shu sighed. "If you're sure. Just don't come into work tonight."

"What? That's ridiculous!"

"Yamato, don't. You're not feeling well."

I was getting slightly annoyed. "Shu, I think I know how I'm feeling."

"Don't come, Yamato. I've got to go, but I'll call you again later. Will you be there when I get home?"

"Probably."

"Alright, then I'll see you tonight. Try not to get too bored. Bye, beautiful."

"Bye, Shu."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Like hell I wasn't going to work. I don't know why he bothered. He knew I would come in anyway.

I couldn't find much to do, as usual. I tried to tidy up his apartment, but it didn't need much tidying. Then I thought about cooking something, but I wasn't hungry. Eventually, I gave up and picked up the phone.

It rang twice, then someone picked up.

"Hello?"

"Come pick me up."

A snort. "Hi, Yamato, I'm doing fine, thanks for asking."

"Can you pick me up or not?"

"What's the magic word?"

"Does it sound like I'm kidding, 'Ruki?"

"Not really."

"Listen, I'm not in the mood for this. Either you can pick me up or you can't."

"Jeez, calm down. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

During those fifteen minutes, I changed into tighter clothes and packed a small bag with things I'd need for later on that night. I knew I wouldn't feel like coming back to get my clothes and makeup once I was at the studio.

I met Tsuruki in the lobby when he arrived. We got into his car and he began driving.

"I don't get it," he said. "Why don't you just take a day off work? It won't kill you."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," I muttered.

Tsuruki glanced in my direction. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means."

"I don't get you, Yamato. Why do you hate life so much?"

"There's no fucking point to my life. I get up every day, go to work, sometimes wake up in some guy's bed I don't even know! My life has been terrible since I was born! **That**'s why, okay!"

"If you at least tried to be happier, it wouldn't be so terrible."

"Just shut up, 'Ruki."

Shockingly, the rest of the drive was silent. Tsuruki parked the car when we got to the studio and we went in. It was relatively empty, seeing as it was still early in the day.

Kazu was behind the bar, doing nothing at the moment. Tsuruki and I went over and sat down at the bar.

"Hey, Kaz," I said, and Tsuruki nodded a greeting.

"What brings you here, 'Mato?" Kazu asked. "I **know** Shu wasn't expecting you."

I shrugged. "You know me."

"I was telling Yamato he needs to relax," Tsuruki piped up. "Don't you think he needs to take a break?"

"I told you to shut up, 'Ruki," I said sharply.

Tsuruki ignored me. "Don't you think so?" he pressed.

"Fuck, 'Ruki!" I exclaimed, annoyed. "What the hell **don't** you understand about '**shut up**'!"

"Shit, Yamato, calm down. I'm just-"

"You know what? Go to hell."

I got up and started towards the back. As I walked away, I heard Tsuruki talking to Kazu.

"He's so damn touchy lately..."

That just irritated me more. I went straight to Shu's office once I got into the back area and opened the door less than gently, not caring whether he was busy or not. Luckily, he wasn't.

Shu jumped slightly when I entered the room and his eyes widened.

"Yamato, what the hell are you doing here!"

"You knew I would come, Shu."

"I thought for once maybe you'd **listen** to me! Yamato, you **need** a day off! You never get a break! You go and go and go, and you never stop to relax!"

"I don't **need** a fucking break! What's wrong with all of you!"

"Nothing's wrong with **us**."

I jumped and turned around. I hadn't shut the door behind me, and Tsuruki was standing there.

I scowled. "Stay out of this."

"No. Maybe you should **listen** for once, Yamato."

"Why don't you all just shut the fuck up!"

I yelled pretty loudly, and I guess I overdid it because I began to feel a bit dizzy. The lights in the room began to dim, and I wondered why everything was getting darker. I was still conscious, because I could hear Shu and Tsuruki and feel myself moving, but I felt panicked. My legs felt like they were about to give out from under me. Why was this happening?

Then it hit me. Shit. I'd forgotten to eat.

Tsuruki and Shu sat me down in a chair and told me to close my eyes. They were both speaking at once, and I wasn't in the right state of mind to decipher what they were saying. Eventually, my vision stared to clear up and I blinked rapidly to make sure it wasn't happening again. I steadied my breathing, and Shu gave a sigh of relief.

I looked at the two, not knowing what to do or say. I met Tsuruki's eyes, then looked away. He looked concerned, and immediately knew what was going on.

"Yamato, did you eat?"

His voice was unusually stern, and dead serious. I sighed, knowing a lie wouldn't work, and shook my head.

Shu looked worried, too, and he frowned.

"Yamato, you haven't eaten?"

Once again, I shook my head. "I meant to-"

"The point is, you didn't," Shu said firmly. "And obviously, you need to."

"I'm fine now-"

"Don't argue with me."

I fell silent. Shu doesn't use that tone of voice with me often. When he does, I know he's serious.

"I'm going to get you something to eat," Shu said to me. He began to walk out.

Shu paused at the doorway and turned to Tsuruki.

"Tsuruki, just... I don't know. Watch him."

He sounded fed up and exited the room, slamming the door behind him.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Tsuruki and I didn't say anything for a few minutes, silent. I finally spoke aloud, but quietly.

"I think he's mad at me."

"No shit." Tsuruki wasn't sympathetic. "He's got a fucking right to be, Yamato. What the hell do you think you were doing?"

"I just forgot, 'Ruki... I honestly did. I swear."

I looked at Tsuruki and he studied me for a moment, then sighed.

"If you'd just start eating properly then you wouldn't **have** to remind yourself. It wouldn't be a chore for you."

"I won't forget again."

"Whatever you say, Yamato."

More silence. Then Tsuruki gave a frustrated sigh.

"You need a break."

"This again? God, 'Ruki, I don't-"

"Shut up and listen."

My eyes widened, and Tsuruki went on.

"I don't care what you say, we all know you work endlessly. You never take a day off. And every fucking day, you think about killing yourself. Tell me, Yamato, what's the fucking point? If you're gonna kill yourself, then fucking do it! But don't bring your shit to all of us, tell us how you hate your fucking life, then refuse when we try to make it better! If you were going to kill yourself, you would've done it long ago. No more false alarms, Yamato. It's not just your problem anymore, you've brought us all into it. Now **we**'ve got to deal with your shit, too. Don't be an asshole. Give us a break."

I just stared at Tsuruki in shock. There was no way he'd just said that to me. No way in hell.

Tsuruki stared back, looking determined. He didn't say anything, and neither did I. I had no clue what I was **supposed** to say to that! Eventually, I just shook my head and stood up, facing Tsuruki who was leaning on Shu's desk.

I don't know what he expected, but it sure wasn't what I did next. I wasn't even expecting it. But I pressed my lips to Tsuruki's forcefully, kissing him deeply.

Tsuruki kissed back almost instantly. He slid off the desk and broke our kiss for a moment, lifting me up onto it in a sitting position. This brought me to his eye-level and we continued the kiss.

Bringing one hand up under my shirt, Tsuruki rubbed my back slowly, sending a chill down my spine. With his other hand, he spread my legs apart, moving to stand inbetween them, which brought him closer to me.

Tsuruki pulled away for a moment and shook his head.

"Do you have to be so goddamn gorgeous?"

He kissed me again, slipping his tongue inside my mouth. It was only a few seconds later that I felt his hand inside my pants and gasped slightly. Tsuruki pulled away for a moment and kissed my neck, and I tried to catch my breath. He stroked more insistently, and my pulse sped up again.

"Nn... wait... mm... wait, 'Ruki."

"What is it?" he asked, voice thick.

"Not here. Maybe... the bathroom? Or something, just... not here."

Tsuruki took my hand and placed it against the front of his pants so I could feel his current situation.

"Does it seem like this can wait, 'Mato?"

"Please, 'Ruki, we can't do this here..."

"Yes we can, and we're going to."

"What the **fuck**!"

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

I nearly had a heart attack. Tsuruki removed his hand immediately and jerked away, while I quickly got down from the desk. Shu was standing in the doorway, looking furious.

"What the fuck do you two think you were **doing**!" he yelled.

I swallowed hard. "Um... talking?"

"The fuck you were talking! Both of you sit down **now**!"

Tsuruki and I sat down in two of the chairs, avoiding each other's and Shu's eyes.

Still fuming, Shu shut the door roughly and sat down in his chair. He spoke, and he didn't sound very happy.

"This is **not** a make-out spot. This is an office. Yamato, you were supposed to be resting; and Tsuruki, you were supposed to be watching him and making sure he **did** rest! I'm sick of yelling at you two! You never follow instructions! One minute you two will be fighting, the next you're ready to screw each other! I don't know what to fucking **do** with you two!"

I have to admit, I was scared Shu was about to fire us. He'd never gotten so upset before. I guess Tsuruki felt the same, because he wasn't saying a word and he wouldn't even look up.

Shu shoved a bag towards me. "Eat this."

I didn't dare argue. I began eating. Tsuruki still wasn't looking at me or Shu, and Shu looked like he was trying to think of what to do next. Finally, he said something.

"I'm not going to fire you."

I didn't know which of us he was talking to, and I glanced at Tsuruki, but he looked confused also.

"Um, which one of us?" he asked timidly, which was a new thing for him.

"Both of you."

Tsuruki and I sighed in relief.

"But Yamato, from now on you eat before you come here, you hear me? I won't have you fainting because you're starving yourself. And you are **not** working tonight."

I knew better than to try and argue. "...fine."

"And Tsuruki, I know it wasn't Yamato's idea to do that shit here. I don't care **what** you two do, but **don't** do it my office. Is that clear?"

Tsuruki nodded.

"Good. Now get out of here, I don't want to see you right now."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Tsuruki let out a heavy sigh once we'd exited the office. "Thank God he didn't fire us."

"I know," I agreed, shaking my head.

"Sorry, 'Mato. Didn't mean to get you in trouble."

I shrugged. "Whatever. I shouldn't have let you do that in the first place."

"So you're not mad?"

"Guess not."

"Good."

Tsuruki and I went back to the bar and sat down on the stools. The place was still fairly empty.

"You gonna stay tonight?" Tsuruki asked me. "Just to watch, I mean?"

"I guess. I've got nothing else to do, and besides, I think I **need** to get drunk tonight."

"You're not getting drunk tonight, 'Mato."

"Says who?"

"Says me."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, okay, 'Ruki."

"I'm serious! You **know** Shu will have a fit if you do."

I frowned. "Whatever."

Kazu came over to us and interrupted before Tsuruki could say anything else.

"Hey, you guys. What's going on?"

"Shu says I can't work tonight," I told him.

"Good. You need a break."

"I don't **want** one."

"Let's not start this again," Tsuruki stepped in. "Yamato, do you want me to take you home? I mean, what are you gonna do here for the whole day?"

"The same thing I would do at home: nothing."

"Ookay..."

I stood up. "I'm going for a walk."

"I'll come with you," Tsuruki volunteered.

I shook my head. "No."

"Yamato-"

"Just let me go, 'Ruki! For God's sake, I'll be fine!"

"Take my jacket, okay? It's cold out there."

I gave in, taking his coat from the back of his chair and putting it on. "Happy?"

"Don't go for too long."

"I'll be **fine**," I said through gritted teeth. I turned to Kazu. "See you soon."

Kazu nodded. "Enjoy your walk."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

I sighed as I walked down the street, letting out all the frustration inside of me.

_Fucking Tsuruki, with his 'protective' mode. One minute all he wants to do is fuck me, the next he's all worried. I don't need his fake care._

It actually **was** cold, and I was partially grateful that I'd taken Tsuruki's jacket. But it really bothered me how he and Shu were always telling me what to do.

_I can run my own life. I can take care of myself just fine._

"Well hello, sexy."

Startled, I looked up when I heard a voice. It was a man who looked about 20 with brown hair and dark eyes.

I ignored him and began to walk past.

The man grabbed my arm. "Where you going, blondie?"

I yanked my arm away and glared at him. "Get the fuck away from me."

"That's not very nice. Do you know what happens to people who aren't very nice?"

I turned away again and walked quickly, but he followed me. I sped up, and he did too. I broke into a run and ducked into an alley, turning down a narrow pathway. I stopped running when I saw that it was a dead end. I spun around and my face drained of color when I realized that the man had caught up with me.

He took a few steps forward, backing me into the corner, and smirked. "I've gotcha now, blondie."

"Get away from me," I said again, but my voice was shaky.

"Scared, sexy? Don't worry, it won't hurt... that much..."

The man slammed me back against the wall and crushed his lips to mine. I gasped and turned my head away, but he forced it back and fiercely kissed me. I struggled to break away, but he was too strong.

The man pulled a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket and snapped them onto my hands, leaving me with no way to push him away. He pulled my pants down and shoved me roughly against the wall with my back to him. I choked out a sob, knowing what to expect.

I heard him taking off his own pants and shut my eyes tight, crying full-out now. I heard him laugh and felt him kiss my neck, sucking on it and sinking his teeth in until I cried out.

"Get ready, blondie," he said, and the fear built up even more inside of me. "This is gonna be great."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

I walked straight to where Tsuruki and Kazu were when I entered the bar. Tsuruki looked up and instantly knew something was wrong.

"Yamato? What's wrong?"

I didn't answer, and I didn't sit down. Tsuruki observed me carefully.

"Something happened, didn't it?"

"Take me home, 'Ruki."

"Wha-? Why?"

"Just take me home!" I was nearly in tears.

Tsuruki didn't ask any more questions. He got up.

"Kaz, tell Shu that Yamato wasn't feeling well and I took him home."

Kazu nodded, and Tsuruki and I left the bar.

I was sticking very close to Tsuruki as we walked to where his car was parked. He noticed, but didn't say anything. He unlocked the doors and opened the passenger side for me.

When I didn't get in right away, Tsuruki lightly touched my shoulder.

"Yamato? Are you gonna get in?"

I nodded. "Just... give me a second."

Tsuruki must have been trying to guess what had happened, because his face suddenly clouded over.

"No. Oh shit, no. Yamato, no, don't tell me that... oh, fuck."

I wrapped my arms tight around myself, feeling insecure. He knew.

"Oh, God... Yamato, tell me I'm wrong. Please."

I didn't answer, and that was all Tsuruki needed.

"Fuck! Shit! I knew I shouldn't have let you go alone! Fuck!"

Tsuruki slammed his fist on the car, and I jumped. Tsuruki loves his car, and he had to be really upset to do that. He calmed down when he realized he was scaring me, though, and tried to help me into the car. I hissed and jerked my hand away when he touched my wrist, and he looked at it, seeing the red imprints from the handcuffs.

"Why, that fucking-" Tsuruki broke off. "Yamato, you have to get in. I know it hurts, but you have to."

I bit my lip and let him gently help me into the car. Tsuruki got into the driver's seat and started up the engine, looking extremely pissed off.

I shifted slightly in the seat and drew in a breath when I realized just how much it hurt. Tsuruki looked over at me.

"It hurts that much?"

I nodded, biting back tears. Tsuruki muttered a curse under his breath, then raised his voice.

"Did he do anything to, uh... make it easier?"

I shook my head and Tsuruki winced, imagining the pain. Then I realized something.

"Ruki, it's... I mean, I'm kind of... bleeding. It might... it could, y'know... leak."

Tsuruki knew what I was talking about, and sensed that I was uncomfortable. He also looked like he was less than comfortable.

"Oh." He seemed like he was trying to think of what to say. "It, uh... it doesn't matter. I don't care about the seats."

I knew he **did** care about the seats, but it was nice that he was trying not to make me worry.

Tsuruki drove away from the curb, and we sat in silence, with the occasional sniffle from me as I tried not to cry. I felt humiliated and weak, plus my ass hurt like hell. And Tsuruki was the last person I wanted to talk to about what had happened. If I could've, I wouldn't have let Tsuruki know that it had happened to me at all.

When we got to my apartment, Tsuruki walked me up to my apartment. Once I was inside, he seemed like he didn't know whether he should come in or not.

"Yamato, um... do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head wordlessly.

"Okay. Uh, do you want me to come in?"

"I don't know. I don't think I want to be alone..."

Tsuruki stepped inside and locked the door, then stood in the hall, waiting.

I bit my lip. I desperately wanted to shower, but I knew I would probably need help. The problem was, I didn't feel comfortable asking Tsuruki to help me, and to tell the truth, I was worried he might try something.

"Do you need help with anything?"

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't exactly tell him that I didn't trust him. So I nodded.

"What do you need help with?"

I avoided Tsuruki's eyes and he blushed faintly, knowing what I wanted him to do.

"Oh. Uh, okay. Um, let's go, then."

"It's okay, 'Ruki... I can manage by myself..."

"No, 'Mato, I'll help. It's no big deal."

"Okay..."

I led Tsuruki into the bathroom and shut the door, then began stripping out of my clothes.

"Um, 'Mato, you sure you're comfortable with this?"

"Ruki, it's okay if you don't want to."

"No, I just thought it might be weird. I mean, after you just got..."

Tsuruki didn't finish the sentence, and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

"Sorry," Tsuruki said quietly, and I shook my head, trying to continue what I was doing.

A tear fell from my eye, and I bit my lip. "It's not fair..."

Soon I was crying fully, and I let Tsuruki hold me gently, though I was only half-dressed.

"Shh... 'Mato, I'm so sorry."

Tsuruki lightly rubbed my back and softly stroked my hair. "I'm so, so sorry."

I shivered, leaning closer to Tsuruki. "Why did it happen, 'Ruki, why?"

"I don't know, 'Mato... I really don't know. There are a lot of sick bastards out there."

"I know..."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Tsuruki was a lot of help. He helped me wash even though it was an awkward situation, comforted me for hours after, and talked to me softly until I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up an hour later he was still sitting beside me, but he'd fallen asleep.

I rested my head on the arm of the couch and rocked myself back and forth slightly. I was trying my hardest not to think about what had happened, but I couldn't help it. Tsuruki woke up to the sound of my crying, and instantly took me into his arms. I hugged him tightly, thinking of how terrible I'd treated him earlier and the day before.

"I'm sorry, 'Ruki... I'm such a horrible person..."

"What are you talking about, 'Mato? You're not horrible."

"Yes, I am! Here you are, doing all this for me, and just earlier today I was treating you like shit and calling you a bastard... why would you even help a terrible person like me?"

"Shh, calm down. You're not a terrible person. I act like a bastard, that's why you call me that. But I do care about you, 'Mato. I really do. That's why I'm doing all this."

"Thank you..."

Tsuruki held me in his arms patiently while I cried and told me to go to sleep when I stopped. I shook my head.

"Don't you have to work, 'Ruki?"

"I'm not going in. I'm staying here with you."

"Ruki, go to work. I'll be fine here..."

"I'm not leaving you alone, 'Mato."

"Then bring me with you."

Tsuruki sighed. "Yamato..."

"Please, 'Ruki? I'll stay in the back, I promise... Shu will watch me."

Tsuruki sighed again. "Fine."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

I didn't tell Shu what had happened. I couldn't bring myself to. And I knew Tsuruki wouldn't tell, so it was just between the two of us.

I stayed in the back until 9:30. That was when I decided that if I was going to go out and visit Kazu and the others, I should look good. So I began to get dressed.

It was only when I was pulling on my tight pants that I realized I couldn't wear them. It would hurt too much. And if I wore loose pants, I couldn't wear a tight top. That would look stupid.

After rummaging through the clothes I had at the studio, I found a pair of dark, loose jeans and a big, hooded dark blue sweater. I pulled them both on and looked at myself in the mirror. It was definitely a change. It also called for a different style of makeup.

I went heavy with the black eyeliner and mascara, and even put on some eyeshadow. I used lipliner to make my lips darker, and used a dull lipgloss that I had to made my lips look even darker. I applied a bit of darkish blush to my cheekbones, then looked in the mirror. I looked very... dark.

Perfect.

When I walked out into the front, Tsuruki spotted me immediately. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. I walked up to him and leaned on the bar counter. Kazu had come over now and looked just as shocked as Tsuruki.

"You look... uh... different."

"I know. Tight clothes just didn't seem to work tonight."

Tsuruki got the hidden message and quickly changed the subject.

"What're you gonna do, 'Mato, sit here the whole night?" He then thought for a moment and corrected himself. "Uh, or stand?"

I rolled my eyes. He was making it obvious that something was going on.

"Yeah, 'Ruki, I guess I am. I'll visit Shu inbetween, I guess."

Tsuruki nodded. "Does he know? That you're going to watch, I mean?"

He was the one giving a hidden message now. "No, he doesn't know, and I'm not going to tell him yet."

"You guys are acting like it's a big deal," Kazu said with a laugh. "Shu's gonna find out anyway."

I shrugged. "It doesn't have to be now, though."

"Maybe you should stay in the back," Tsuruki said to me. "I know you're not feeling well, and you'll probably feel better if you stay with Shu."

"Actually, 'Ruki, I'll feel better here with you guys. I'm trying to forget about how sick I am."

Tsuruki knew he couldn't say anything else without revealing our little secret, and turned to watch two people who had decided to dance, even though there was no music.

"I guess that's the cue," Kazu said with a chuckle. "Ruki, would you go tell everyone that it's time to start this up?"

Tsuruki nodded. "Yamato, you wanna come with me?"

"You'll do fine on your own."

Tsuruki gave me a look, but left anyway.

As soon as the music started up and people started getting rowdy, I realized just how much I wanted to be home. But there was no way I was going to take the bus by myself. Besides, it would hurt too much to sit on the seats.

When Tsuruki got back, he put and arm around me and spoke lowly.

"You okay?"

I nodded, even though I really wasn't.

"You sure? I can take you home, 'Mato."

"No, 'Ruki, it's fine."

"If you're sure. Listen, 'Mato, I'm just gonna leave you for one minute. Stay right here."

I nodded, and Tsuruki left. I looked around at all the people and smiled when I saw Daisuke. He came up to me.

"Hi."

"Hey, Dai. Sorry I can't dance with you tonight."

"You can't?"

"No, I'm not feeling well. You're okay dancing with Tsuruki or someone, right?"

Daisuke looked uncertain. "Tsuruki?"

I chuckled a bit. "Okay, maybe that's pushing it. Dance with Toichi. He's a safe one to dance with."

Daisuke nodded. "Okay. Bye, Yamato."

"See you later, Daisuke."

Daisuke left, and I watched after him as he went to find Toichi.

"Well, look who it is."

I turned around to find Taichi standing there. I stared at him for a moment.

"What are you doing here?"

"My friends dragged me here. They said they heard of a blonde who's great at this." Taichi smirked. "I guess that would be you?"

I avoided the question. "So basically, you came looking for a fuck."

My voice wavered on the last word and I bit my lip slightly, but Taichi didn't seem to notice.

"No," he said, giving me a look. "I came to get a drink and talk with my friends, even if they get completely stoned and wind up going home with some guys they don't even know."

"Whatever," I said, and Taichi opened his mouth to speak.

"Yamato!"

A moment later, Tsuruki was by my side. He eyed Taichi suspiciously. "Who are you?"

"Does it matter?"

Tsuruki turned to me. "Is he bothering you?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, 'Ruki, it's fine. His name is Taichi, I met him the other day."

"Are you sure?"

"**Yes**, 'Ruki."

"I have to get something from the back and talk to Shu for a minute... you should come with me."

"No, 'Ruki, go. I'll stay here."

Tsuruki started to say something, but I cut him off.

"Go."

Tsuruki left me, but reluctantly. Taichi spoke as soon as Tsuruki was gone.

"He your boyfriend?"

I blinked. Then raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Is he your boyfriend?" Taichi repeated.

I let out a laugh. "**Tsuruki**! No way!"

Taichi nodded. "You wanna come meet my friends? I'm sure they'd love to meet **you**. Of course, they would've liked it more if you were dressed in tight clothes like you were yesterday."

"I usually dress like that."

"What's the deal today?"

"None of your business," I told him.

"Alright then. You wanna meet them or not?"

"Sure, why not? I've got nothing else to do."

Taichi led me towards the table his friends were sitting at. They looked at me with interest when we got there.

"Guys, this is Yamato. Yamato, these are my friends Shiro, Dayu, Yoshi, and Fujio."

"Yamato? **The** Yamato?" Dayu whistled lowly. "I heard you're real good, if you know what I mean."

I was about to say something not-so-nice in return, but Taichi stepped in. "Don't be an idiot. See you guys in a bit."

Taichi and I left the table, and I immediately told him my opinion of his friends.

"They're jerks."

"Yeah, pretty much. Yoshi and Fujio are the best of those four. They're really the only ones I'm friends with. Anyway, you wanna hang out with me?"

"Like I said, I've got nothing to do."

"Aren't you gonna dance or strip or whatever?"

"No. I've got the day off today."

"So why aren't you at home?"

"For your information, I **am** going home."

"You got a ride?"

I hesitated. "...kind of."

"How can you **kind of** have a ride?"

I shrugged.

"If you don't have a ride, I can drive you."

No. There was no way I was going to even **risk** letting anyone find out.

"It's okay."

"No, really, let's go. I wanna ditch this place anyway."

So I let Taichi drag me outside to his car. He unlocked the doors and I opened my side, bit my lip, and got in, being careful not to give any hint or sign that I was in pain. Taichi began driving.

"So you work at a strip bar."

"Dance bar," I corrected him.

"I call 'em as I see 'em."

I scowled. "Well, you shouldn't be surprised then. You expected me to work at a strip bar, right? Since I'm such a slut?"

"I didn't mean it like that..."

"Then how exactly did you mean it?" My voice was laced with sarcasm.

"I just meant... well, you've gotta admit that you're easy."

"Actually, I'm **not**."

"Yeah, okay."

"Maybe I'm just used to people wanting my body, okay?" I snapped.

I could feel Taichi's eyes on me, but I stared out the window, silently cursing myself. What had possessed me to say that? Since when did I go around telling strangers about my personal life?

Luckily, Tai didn't ask me about it. When the car stopped, I blinked and realized we were at my apartment.

"You remembered where I live," I said.

"It was just yesterday. Besides, I don't know many blondes."

"Well, thanks."

I started to get out, then paused. Something didn't seem right. I turned back to Taichi.

"Do... do you wanna come up?"

Tai raised an eyebrow and looked at me suspiciously. I blushed.

"I didn't mean it **that** way." In fact, sex was the last thing on my mind.

"In that case, sure I'll come."

I blinked, and Taichi chuckled.

"What? Didn't expect me to say yes so easily?"

"Well... no."

Taichi turned off the car and we went up to my apartment. As I unlocked the door, I started to regret inviting him up. What if he was just pretending, and really **did** want sex from me?

I opened the door and let Taichi in, then stepped in myself and locked the door. Taichi looked around.

"It's nice. Very clean."

I shrugged. "I'm not here very often to mess it up."

Shinigami came over to us and curled up at my feet, looking at Tai suspiciously.

"You have a cat?" Tai asked.

"Two," I responded.

"Cool. What's this one's name?"

"Shinigami."

Tai looked horrified. "You named your cat '**death**'!"

"**God** of death," I corrected. "**Takai**'s name means death."

At that moment, Takai came to investigate and rubbed up against Tai's leg.

Tai looked at Takai warily, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"They're just names."

"Why the hell would you names your cats that!"

"It sounds good if you don't think about what it means."

I took off my shoes and went into the kitchen. Taichi also removed his shoes and followed me.

"Do you want coffee or tea?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "Nah, it's okay."

I turned on the coffee-maker for myself and turned around to find chocolate brown eyes staring into mine. My heart jumped at the surprise, and I hoped with all my heart that he wasn't about to do what I thought.

Taichi squinted at me. "...are you wearing makeup?"

I nearly sighed in relief. "Obviously."

"Why?"

I looked at Taichi like he was stupid. "Because I **want** to?"

"You shouldn't. You don't need to. Your eyes are nice."

"Well, I do."

I didn't like that it sounded like Taichi was hitting on me. Especially after he called me a slut and told me that he wasn't interested.

Taichi seemed to get the hint that I wanted him to leave, because he shuffled his feet and cleared his throat.

"Uh... I guess I'll go now."

I didn't respond, and he headed to the door. He put on his shoes and left. I didn't even say goodbye.

After I was sure he was gone, I locked the front door and went back into the kitchen. Pulling out a knife, I hesitated, then brought it down to my wrist. I quickly slid it along the skin there, knowing that if I didn't do it right away, I wouldn't be able to.

Suddenly, the skin on the other wrist looked much too pale. I cut it, too, and watched with satisfaction as the blood began to run. That was much better.

The phone rang, and I ignored it. It was probably Tsuruki, calling to yell at me for leaving. Angrily, I slashed the knife against my wrist once more, this time making a deep cut.

The events from that afternoon came to mind, and I went to make another cut, but the knife fell out of my hands and a tear dropped onto the floor. I sank to the ground, sobbing.

Takai walked over to me and sat down, Shinigami following not long after. Takai rubbed his head against my wrist, getting blood on his white fur. I shook my head.

"Death... how ironic.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**


	4. Novocaine for the Soul

**A/N:** Let me just warn you.. I was veery evil in the first part of this chapter... and-shock shock-I kinda wrote a lemonish sort of bit! I'm feeling very brave to keep it in the story, so no flames alright? I was about halfway or more through this chapter when I decided to redo a few parts of it. That's why it's taken me this long to update. Though it really hasn't been that long...

**DISCLAIMER:** Okay, I admit it, I don't own Digimon... (sniff)

**Novocain**  
**Novocaine for the Soul**  
by: n-chan

I woke up at 3:00 in the morning on Saturday and I knew something was wrong. I forced myself up out of bed and pulled on a sweater, then made my way down the hall into the kitchen.

Before I picked up the phone, I noticed that I had four new messages. I had no doubt that they were from Tsuruki and Shu. Ignoring the blinking light, I dialed Shu's number.

"Hello?" answered a sleepy voice.

"Shu, it's me."

"Yamato?" Shu suddenly sounded much more awake. "Where were you? What happened last night? Why-"

"I'm scared."

There was silence for a moment. "...what?"

"Shu, I-I'm scared." The more time passed, the more of a creepy feeling I was getting. I sat down on the floor in the corner of the kitchen, pulling my legs up to my chest.

"Yamato, what's going on? What's wrong?"

"I don't want to be alone... something bad is gonna happen..."

"What are you talking about?" I could tell Shu was getting freaked out, but so was I.

"I don't know, just-" I gasped when I felt something touch me, then realized it was just Shinigami. I leaned my head back against the wall, breathing deeply.

"Yamato?" Shu sounded extremely concerned.

"Y-yeah..."

"Try to stay calm, alright? I'll be over in a minute."

Shu hung up almost immediately, and I stayed huddled in the corner. I pulled Shinigami into my lap and tried not to think of all the horror movies I'd seen.

_Shu will be here soon,_ I told myself. _Nothing's going to happen. You're just paranoid. Everything will be fine._

I nearly had a heart attack when a knock sounded on the door. I took deep breaths, reminding myself that it was only Shu. Shakily, I got up and went to the door, opening it quickly. Sure enough, Shu stood there. He grabbed me into a hug.

"Shit, Yamato, you scared me so frikkin' much..." Shu kissed the top of my head. "You're okay, right?"

I nodded, holding on to him tightly. When I finally let go, Shu glanced around.

"Well, no wonder you're scared. It's so dark in here! Turn on some lights." Shu flicked a couple of light switches, and the place became filled with light.

I still felt like something wasn't right.

"Shu, it's not here... it's not the house. It's not the dark. Something's wrong."

The phone rang and I jumped, then looked towards the kitchen. Shu seemed a bit nervous, but held a hand up when I moved to answer it.

"I'll get it."

I followed Shu into the kitchen and he picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

I watched as Shu listened for a moment. He looked at me.

"Yes..."

He didn't break the gaze while the person on the other line talked. Suddenly, Shu's face drained of all color and his grip on the phone tightened.

"Wh-what?"

Shu's eyes flickered away, but what frightened me was what I'd seen in them before he turned away. I'd been right. I knew I had. Something was wrong.

"No." Shu's voice brought me back to reality. "You must be wrong. Oh God..."

"Shu?" I tugged on his arm, scared. "What's wrong? What happened?"

Shu shook his head, biting his lip hard. "Y-yeah... bye."

As soon as Shu hung up the phone, he nearly collapsed. He grabbed a hold of the counter and leaned against it, shaky breaths coming out.

Worry flooded me. "Shu, what's wrong!" I cried, terrified.

Shu took me in his arms and lost his balance, falling to the floor and taking me with him but he didn't let go. I looked at his face wet with tears and questioned him once more.

"What happened?"

Shu looked at me for just one second, a split second, and my heart stopped. The possibilities flashed through my mind and I hoped with all my heart that I was wrong.

"Th-there's been... an accident."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

I'll never forget the look in Shu's eyes when he told me. Before he even said a word, his eyes had told me.

I don't remember what happened after that. We must've left right after we got the call, because the next thing I remember is sitting and waiting in the hospital.

Shu was sitting beside me, hunched over with his head in his hands. I had a death grip on his jacket, afraid to let go. I didn't want anything to happen to him. I couldn't let this happen again.

The walls were plain. They were too white. And it didn't matter which way I turned, I could still see a disgustingly bright, white wall. I couldn't get away from thinking about where I was, and why I was there.

I remember staring at the door, waiting for it to open. Every time a nurse passed, I waited for her to come back and tell us we could go in. At the same time, I hoped that a nurse would stop and tell us that she was sorry, they'd made a mistake and we could go home. But the nurses passed by without even a glance. No one cared.

Shu still hadn't told me what happened, or who it concerned. I don't think he even knew the whole deal himself. But we both knew it was something major.

I didn't like the sympathetic look on the nurse's face when she finally came over to us. She looked at us as if she were looking a kid with trouble learning. She seemed like one of those people who would walk away and say "dumb kid". It sickened me, and I couldn't stand to look at her face. She was so full of fake emotion.

I didn't hear what she said, but Shu did, because he shakily got to his feet and helped me up as well. I let go of his jacket and took his hand instead, grasping so tight that it hurt.

The nurse opened the door and let us in. As soon as we stepped inside, I froze. I didn't know what was going on around me, all I could focus on were the two people in the beds hooked up to all sorts of things. My face was becoming wet, but I couldn't feel the tears. I felt so numb.

Then suddenly I was sitting on the edge of the bed, tears flowing down my face a mile a minute. I was trying to get the words out, but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe properly. I was hyperventilating. Shu had his hands on my shoulders firmly, telling me to take a deep breath. I tried, but I couldn't. I felt like I was dying.

It seemed like forever until I could breathe again. I stared down at the pale face and dull eyes and nearly burst into tears again. This wasn't him. It wasn't.

"Hey."

I forced myself to look him in the eye and respond. "Hi, Kaz."

The tears started again, but I struggled to maintain whatever control I had left. Shu was by Eichiro's bed, talking to him. He was more stable than I was. But I knew he would break down again eventually.

"Have you seen them yet?" Kazu asked me, voice deathly quiet.

I thought at first that maybe he wasn't thinking right. But I asked anyway.

"Who?"

Kazu knew something I didn't. I knew he did. I could see it.

"The others..."

It didn't register in my mind. Others. What others? There were no others. Kazu and Eichiro. That was it. No one else was in the room.

I didn't want it to register. I didn't want to ask. I didn't. I wanted him to take back his words. I wanted him to tell me he was joking. He didn't know what he was talking about.

The question flew out of my mouth.

"What others?"

Kazu eyes left mine and there was silence throughout the room. Shu had come over to us and I knew there was something they hadn't told me.

"What happened?" I managed to ask, dreading the answer. Questions floated in my minds, and horrifying answers accompanied them. Tears stung the backs of my eyelids, and I felt like I was going to throw up. It was all a sick joke. They couldn't be serious. They **weren't**.

"Yamato-" Shu started, but I refused to listen.

"What happened?" I asked again, nearly yelling.

No one answered me for a long while. Then Kazu spoke, in that low, haunting voice again.

"We were at the club until late last night. Some of us decided to get a ride from Toichi, either because we didn't have a ride or because we were stone drunk. We asked Dai if he needed a ride, but he didn't. Thank God he didn't..." Kazu stopped for a moment, then shook his head and went on.

"Toichi drove. He was completely sober. Hiroshi was more happy than usual since he was drunk, and Tsuruki had drunken himself to a barely conscious state. He was worried sick about you and he needed to get his mind off everything. But he was fine, Yamato. He was fine.

"Hiroshi, Eichiro, and I sat in the back. Toichi needed to keep an eye on Tsuruki in case he fainted or needed to throw up. Eichiro and I were sober enough. We'd had a few drinks, but nothing serious. Hiroshi was singing stupid songs in a drunken slur, and he kept reaching forward to change the radio station and sing along with the song playing.

"By the time we were on the highway, I was so annoyed with Hiroshi. His singing was so loud, and the car was so small. It felt so crowded and hectic. I told him to shut up, and we started bickering. It wasn't a big fight, just a little argument. Eichiro was trying to stop us. Hiroshi went to change the radio station again, ignoring me.

"Toichi yelled suddenly and the car jerked. I looked out the window and saw headlights. The car flipped onto its side and Hiroshi shouted something about his seatbelt. We were panicked. I turned in my seat enough to see the traffic around us. Just in time to see the truck."

I wasn't taking this in. I was hearing it, but it wasn't making sense. Nothing was making sense anymore.

Kazu's voice was so small now that I could barely hear.

"Hiroshi didn't have his seatbelt on. He went flying through the windshield. The truck smashed the car in. There was so much blood and the pain was indescribable..."

I was blocking it all out. I couldn't accept this. My head was spinning and my heart was pounding. There were others.

I don't know how I spoke, but I did. I demanded to see the others. Everyone was speaking at once, and I yelled at them to stop. The room was deadly silent.

"I want to see them," I said, my own voice sounded strange to my ears.

"I'm sorry, you can't," the nurse said, and I was about to argue when I heard her next words.

"They didn't make it."

I remember a lot of screaming and crying. I remember refusing to believe them. But above all, I remember one thing the most. I remember realizing that it was true.

Bad things in my life always like to come in bunches. You know that saying, deaths come in threes? I guess it's true.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

What happened after that, I don't know. I do know that I ended up home. And I stayed there, locked in my bedroom, for days. The phone rang, there were knocks on the door, and still, I remained still on my bed. Lifeless. Void of all energy.

A knife lay on the night table beside me. It was the only thing to keep me from going insane. It was the only time that everything seemed right in the world, when I couldn't feel the pain inside me.

I couldn't bring myself to think about the whole situation. I knew I couldn't. And I wouldn't. Nothing mattered now. I didn't care.

But the thoughts in my head were too strong. One evening, they seeped through and the tears just didn't stop.

Toichi was a great guy. He'd always been the smart, logical one. Hiroshi was always fun, even if he'd been slightly annoying. They were both excellent dancers.

And Tsuruki. Just his name in my mind made all the pain worse.

There was so much I wanted to take back. All the times I'd hurt him. Not telling him where I was going that night. If I had've, he never would've been in that car. Or I would've gone instead of him. I deserved it more, I had nothing to live for.

I can picture him that night. I hate it. I don't want to picture him. I want him here in front of me. I want him holding me and telling me it's okay. I want him to tease me and hit on me and be a perverted bastard. I want to apologize.

He couldn't have known how much he truly meant to me. I had loved him. Tsuruki was always there for me, and I'd treated him to terribly. If I were him, I would've given up on me. But he never did. And he was willing to do anything for me. He was the only one who knew about what had happened on Friday. And he wouldn't have told anyone. He would've done whatever I told him to do. He just wanted to please me. He just wanted **me**.

Thinking about all this was too much for me to handle. I couldn't grasp the fact that I would never have him again. I cried my heart out, I cut myself deep, I screamed at the top of my lungs. Nothing helped. Nothing took away the fact that they were gone forever.

It was about the fifth day when I got out of bed. There was blood all over the sheets and myself. I was stumbling all over the place and my legs felt like lead, while my arms felt light as feathers. I was paler than usual, and my arms looked like a work of art, cuts and scratches all over.

I didn't feel like I had enough energy to stay alive. I knew I'd lost a lot of blood. And I wanted to lose more. I didn't want to have to deal with this.

I got halfway down the hall before I found myself on the floor. I needed help. I wanted to be somewhere else. I didn't want to live my life.

The tears that I thought I'd used up rolled down my cheeks. They weren't coming back. I would never see Tsuruki's little smirks again, or hear Toichi's warnings, or see Hiroshi's little dance and song skits. They were gone.

I knew I needed help. I needed Shu. I needed a doctor. I needed to sleep. I needed for this to be a dream.

I heard a crash and saw part of the door fall to the floor. Shu came running to my side and held me, rocking me back and forth. I didn't hear a words he said. He was crying, and so was I. I had Shu. But he could leave me. He could leave me, just like they'd done.

Doctors were there, too. They had all kinds of things with them. I wanted the knife. I wanted to finally just end it. I couldn't go on. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take any more.

But suddenly I was seeing black. I looked and saw a needle being injected into me. Maybe they were killing me. Maybe they were going to put me out of my misery.

Unfortunately, they weren't that kind.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

The first things I saw when I woke up were those horrible bleach-white walls. I was hooked up to a bunch of shit, which I wanted to rip off of and out of me immediately. I didn't get the chance to do much more than think about it, though, because Shu entered the room.

"You should've fucking let me die," I hissed at him when he sat down in the chair beside the bed.

Shu didn't look surprised at all, which surprised me. In fact, the only thing I could see in his eyes was sadness. He looked tired and weary, and was sickly pale. When he spoke, I hated the sound of his voice. He sounded exhausted, like he had nothing left in him. Which I guess was true.

"You know I couldn't do that."

"Oh, so now you're gonna start on all that shit about how you love me and how I shouldn't do this to you? Well, don't even fucking bother! I don't want anything to do with you, I don't want anything to do with **anyone**!"

Hot tears stung my eyes, but I angrily blinked them back. There was no way I was going to cry. I didn't want to have any emotions at all. I just wanted to feel nothing, to be numb, completely numb.

"I wasn't going to say that." Shu took my hand and I tried to pull it away, but he held on with a surprisingly firm grip.

"Let go of me," I growled.

"Yamato..."

"I said fucking let go!" I nearly yelled.

Shu glanced at the door, and I wished it was open so that someone would take him away. I wanted him to go, and I wanted something sharp. I didn't want to breathe, I didn't want blood running through my veins. I didn't want to think about any of this, I didn't want to think at all! I didn't want to live.

Shu's arm were suddenly around me in a hug, despite all the wires and tubes, and I was crying - another thing I didn't want to do. My world was falling apart once again, and I just wished it would crumple completely.

"I want him back, Shu," I sobbed. "He was so... 'Ruki..."

Shu didn't say "it's okay" or "I know" and I was glad, because it **wasn't** okay, and he **didn't** know. Instead, Shu remained silent, trying his best not to join me in my tear-fest.

I wept quietly, creating more tears each time I thought about Tsuruki. I couldn't believe he was gone. It was too cruel a thought. Shu couldn't hold it in for very long and began crying along with me. The two of us cried and cried, becoming more depressed with every second that passed.

It felt like I cried forever. I hated myself for depressing Tsuruki, I hated the other drivers for being so careless, I hated God for taking them away. And it still didn't seem real. It didn't seem like it could be real for them to be gone. My mind wouldn't accept it. My mind **couldn't** accept it.

When I'd settled down a bit, Shu mentioned that I'd missed the funerals and ceremonies of our three deceased friends. I told him right away that I didn't want to talk about it, and he changed the subject.

"Do you want to stay with me for a while?" he asked. "I don't want to leave you alone, knowing what you could do to yourself."

"I want to be happy, Shu... I don't want to live this life."

"Beautiful, suicide isn't the answer. I'd miss you a lot. Just think- if you killed yourself, a lot of people would feel just how you're feeling right now. You don't want that to happen, do you?"

I hesitated. Shu had a point, but still... who would really miss me? Shu, maybe, but who else?

"Baby, you've got a lot of people who care about you," Shu said, reading my mind. He kissed me softly. "I know you don't think so, but it's true."

I was silent, letting Shu rock me in his arms. If there were people who cared about me, I didn't want them to go through what I was going through. No one deserved the pain I was feeling.

On Saturday, a week from when Shu and I first got the news, I left the hospital and Shu took me to his house. None of us had gone back to work yet, us being Shu, Kazu, Eichiro, and I. We were too distraught. Shu had gotten his friend to run the bar temporarily, but he knew he'd have to return soon.

"I knew being close to people would hurt me," I said quietly to Shu that day when we came home from the hospital. "I hate it, Shu, I hate the closeness between you and me... I don't want to get hurt..."

"It's too late now, beautiful. Besides, I know my life wouldn't be the same without you. I love you, baby."

My throat closed up and I bit back tears.

"Shu, no... please... don't say it. It hurts too much... and I can't... I c-can't say it back..."

"Shh." Shu hugged me, kissing the top of my head. "Don't worry. You don't have to.

"But I hate it, Shu... I hate that I do love you... I don't want this pain..."

"Shh..."

I knew I had to move on, but it was so hard. I would've sacrificed my life in a flash to save Tsuruki and the others. I had no meaning in my life; they did. They could've amounted to so much, and they were taken so young... it wasn't fair, but I'd discovered long ago that life was never fair.

I fell asleep in Shu's arms, but not before whispering, "I love you..."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Another week passed before any of us felt like we were able to go to work. Shu was the first one, knowing he had a lot of business to catch up on. I moved back into my own apartment with Shu's permission, but he only let me because Kazu was moving in with me. It wasn't good for any of us to be alone. Unfortunately, Eichiro had quit his job and left, not telling any of us his destination. He and Toichi had been very close.

I saw the phone in the kitchen still blinking with the messages from two weeks before. Did I really want to check them? If I erased them, I'd be wondering my whole life what they were about. So I sat down to retrieve the messages, preparing myself for what they would bring. Kazu sat next to me, as anxious as I was.

The first two were from Shu, as I'd expected. The third one I braced myself for. I knew it was Tsuruki. I just knew it.

_"Mato, baby..."_

It was.

_"Listen... I'm really worried about you. Where the hell'd you go? Why the fuck didn't you tell me? Damn, Yam'to... I hate it when you do that. You know I'm gonna get fucking stone drunk, I already am... I wanna talk to you in the morning... you should come over. I don't think I'll be much good walking over to your place._

_Yeah... call me, alright? I'm gonna get a ride from Toichi or something, nothing to worry about. Call me. I love you, man."_

Kazu and I sat in silence for a moment, the message still sinking in. Then I buried my face in my hands and cried. Hearing his voice, his words... it had made the pain worse, twisted the knife even deeper.

It took me a while to calm down, but when I had, we played the last message. I wished with all my might that it wasn't Tsuruki again. And it wasn't. It was someone completely unexpected: Daisuke.

_"H-hi, Yamato... it's, um, it's Daisuke. I, uh... well, I wanted t-to tell you that I, um... I kinda like you as... as more than a friend."_

At this, I couldn't help smiling.

_"I know I've only known you for a few days, but I really feel, um... attracted to you. I guess you could call it a... a crush. I admire you and I just wanted t-to let you know that I, uh, that I feel this way. Um... okay. Bye."_

"Daisuke, you're such a cutie," I murmured aloud, smiling to myself.

Kazu was smiling, too. "That **is** really cute," he agreed.

I thought for a moment. "I should call him back. It's been two weeks, he could be thinking some terrible things."

"I'm sure Shu or someone has informed him," Kazu said, "but call anyway. I'm gonna go for a little walk."

I nodded, and Kazu put on his shoes and a jacket and left. I found Daisuke's number and dialed. It rang twice, then he picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Daisuke... it's Yamato."

"Oh! H-hi!"

I chuckled softly, knowing he was probably nervous.

"How are you, Dai?"

"I-I'm alright... how are you? I heard about the accident... I'm so sorry."

I hesitated. "I...I'm getting along better now."

"That's good. D-did you get my message...?" he inquired, sounding shy.

"Actually, I just checked it, and that's why I called you."

"Oh! Um, so... what do you think?"

"I think the whole concept of you having a crush on me is kind of... sweet. But I don't think you've thought it through."

"What is there to think through?"

"Daisuke." I sighed heavily. "I'm not the best person to be around, you know. I've got some... problems."

"But I-"

"You don't know the half of it, Dai. Every day I think about killing myself; half the time I try. I wonder why my life is so fucked up, then I go and fuck it up more. A lot of people consider me a whore, and I can't exactly say they're completely wrong. I'm not the type of person you should get involved with."

"But... I knew all that."

I blinked once, then twice. "Wh...what?"

"Shu told me a lot about you... don't get mad at him, it was me who asked. I know all that, and I... despite all that... I-I still like you..."

"Well, then." I gave a little laugh of disbelief. "That's different."

"Um, do you think y-you could... I mean... could I come over? J-just for a short bit, really-"

"Sure, Dai. You've got my address?"

"I, uh, I kind of asked Shu for it..."

I chuckled. "Okay. I'll see you soon, then."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Not a long time later, I heard the door click open and Kazu's voice call,

"Hey, 'Mato! Guess who I met on the way over?"

I didn't get time to respond, because Kazu pushed Daisuke down the hall and into my room.

"Hi," Daisuke said shyly, blushing. His face turned redder when he got a good look at me.

I was in only my boxers, and I have to admit they were pretty far down on my hips.

"Does that bother you?" I asked Daisuke, referring to how I was dressed... or rather, not dressed.

He shook his head quickly. "N-no, it-it's fine."

Kazu poked his head into the room at just that moment. "Mato, will you get dressed? Poor kid, you're making him nervous... besides, we might have some more company."

"I highly doubt that."

"Get dressed."

I let out an exaggerated sigh and got up, grabbing a pair of pants and pulling them on, then doing the same with a shirt.

"Better?" I asked sarcastically.

"Much," Kazu said, then left the room, closing the door on his way out.

I laid back down on my bed, motioning for Daisuke to come over. He sat on the edge of the bed and I rolled my eyes.

"I won't bite, don't worry."

He blushed, but moved closer.

"So, Dai... what did you want to talk about?"

"N-nothing really... I just, um, was wondering..."

"What?" I asked, looking at him curiously. I sat up.

"Uh, n-nothing... no, nothing."

"Really, what?"

"It's stupid..."

"I don't care. What is it?"

Daisuke mumbled something that I didn't hear.

"What was that?" I questioned.

"I said... th-that I wanted t-to know if... if you could maybe... um... t-touch me?"

I must've cracked a smile, because Daisuke turned a deep red and rushed to explain himself.

"Ohh, I know it's stupid-oh God, I'm so stupid-I'm so sorry, I just-oh, God-"

"Calm down," I said with a laugh. I was actually impressed that he'd been able to ask me that. "It's not stupid."

"I-it's not? Oh, yes it is-"

"No, it's not. And," I added, running my hand along Daisuke's thigh. "I will."

Daisuke swallowed hard. "Y-you will... wh-what?"

"Touch you." I moved closer to Daisuke, and he sucked in a breath.

"I..." He licked his lips. "I-I..."

"Don't be nervous," I murmured, caressing his face gently. I kissed him softly, then began taking off his pants.

Daisuke jerked slightly when I began, and continued to fidget nervously, especially when he was just in his boxers. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Um... a-are you sure you-"

"Shh," I said, cutting him off. "Relax."

I tugged Daisuke's boxers down, revealing the growing erection he had. He shivered and leaned in close to me, his face buried in my shoulder.

"Oh God," he whispered shakily.

It was no secret that Daisuke was very aroused by what was happening. I very slowly wrapped a hand around his length and he gasped, pressing closer to me.

"You've never done this before?" I inquired.

"Never," he confessed.

"Not even to yourself?"

He shook his head once again.

"In that case, are you sure you want me to do this?"

"Yes... please..."

"Alright then."

I began moving my hand up and down Daisuke's shaft, feeling him shudder at the touch. I chuckled low in my throat at this.

"I feel like I'm molesting you or something."

Cursing myself silently, I forced back all thoughts of rape and tried to keep myself focused on the task at hand.

"You're not," Daisuke said, then paused and added boldly, "and even if you were, it feels pretty damn good."

I laughed in disbelief at his sudden braveness. "Glad to hear that. Wait and you'll see just how good it gets."

Daisuke moaned when I gave a little tug, also squeezing slightly at the same time.

"You like that, huh?" I squeezed harder and Daisuke involuntarily bucked his hips.

Since it was his first time ever(which was hard to believe, although it made pretty much sense), I knew that he wouldn't be able to hold himself for long, so I skipped all the foreplay and got right down to the real stuff. I pumped his member slower at first, then increased the speed until he was just about ready.

"Oh God... Yamato!"

Daisuke reached his climax and came, covering my hand in the sticky fluid. He collapsed against me, panting, and I gave him one last stroke, then moved my hand away.

"Well?" I prompted.

"I liked that," Daisuke said, still breathing heavily, "I liked that a lot."

"Funny to think you could get off on just that," I remarked, "since it was the simplest and shortest handjob I've ever given. Although certain people can do that to you..."

"C-can I... t-touch you?"

I blinked. "...what?"

Daisuke lowered his eyes shyly. "I-I want to... I mean... w-well, I..." He was blushing.

"If you want," I said with a laugh.

Daisuke moved to undo my pants, and I smiled when I saw that his hands were shaking.

"I must warn you, though," I mentioned, "you'll probably have to do more to me than I did to you if you want to make me come."

"I don't mind," Daisuke said, still blushing, "I've had lots of dreams about doing things to you..."

I laughed again in slight shock. It seemed that Daisuke wasn't so innocent after all.

"Then let's do this," I said, grinning as Daisuke got my pants off. He pulled my boxers off as well and murmured softly when he saw my slightly-erect member.

"That won't do," I mused, then pulled Daisuke to me and kissed him, sliding my tongue into his mouth. He grabbed my shoulders for support and I pressed my hips against his, making him gasp. I felt him hardening against me and broke the kiss, grinning.

"Well, would you look at that." I smirked, pressing against his restored erection and making him moan.

"Don't get too excited," I said with a wink, "you've got work to do."

I shoved my hips, making clear what his "work" was. He fixed his eyes down in that area and let his fingers run along my length, evidently hardening even more as he did this.

"This makes me so hot," he murmured, then blushed when he realized what he'd said.

It's comments like those that makes me get kinky ideas. Which made me fully erect and caused Daisuke to become even more enthusiastic. Before long, we were both dangerously close to coming. Daisuke was doing very well for his first try.

It was the funniest thing, really. For one second-for one split second-I imagined that it was Taichi in Daisuke's place. And that was enough to bring me over the top.

Just as I came, Daisuke came also, brought to his climax by the sight of my own orgasm. He looked pleased, but exhausted at the same time.

"Good?" I questioned.

He nodded. "Definitely."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

When Daisuke left, Kazu came straight to my room and demanded to know "what I'd done to him".

"What are you talking about?" I asked, playing innocent.

Kazu rolled his eyes. "I'm not an idiot, Yamato. What did you and Daisuke do?"

"Just a few quick handjobs, Kaz, nothing to worry about."

"Yamato, Daisuke thinks the world of you. Don't you go disappointing him."

I waved away Kazu's "words of advice" and picked up the phone to call Shu. Kazu shut the door rather firmly when he left.

"Hello?" Shu answered.

"Hey."

"Oh, hey, Beautiful."

"You sound tired."

"I guess I am... there's just so much work to do, y'know? I'm beginning to regret taking so much time off."

"Poor you," I murmured.

"Ah, well, don't worry... so, how are things with you and Kazu?"

"Okay... Shu, why didn't you tell me Daisuke likes me?"

"Found out, did you?"

"He left a message on my answering machine before the... incident. I talked to him today... he just left."

"Oh." Shu's voice took on a different tone. "So he was over there, was he?"

I groaned. "Not you, too. Honestly, does everyone thing I just enjoy playing with people's feelings?"

"No, Yamato, but you can't just-"

"Oh, shut up," I said crossly. "it's my life, I can do whatever I want!"

And I slammed the phone down.

Well, that hadn't gone as well as I'd planned.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Being the messed-up person that I am, I went for a walk after that phone call. Alone. Without a jacket. I just slipped on my shoes and left the house. Luckily I was wearing a sweater, but it wasn't very thick.

It was freezing outside, and I was muttering a few curses while considering new ways to commit suicide when someone grabbed me by the arm. At first I panicked and looked around to see if there were people nearby, but my heart slowed down to its normal heart rate when I saw that it was Taichi. Then I remembered my last encounter with him and stiffened again, jerking my arm away.

The smile on Taichi's face faded. "I guess you're still pissed at me for some unknown reason, huh?"

So he'd figured it out. Hurray for him.

"I guess you're looking for new sluts to pick up, huh?" I mocked, a sharp edge in my voice.

Taichi's eyes narrowed. "I told you, I don't-"

"Whatever," I said, not interested in what he had to say. "Fuck you."

I turned around and began walking again, but Taichi grabbed my arm, this time harder, and swung me around to face him.

"What the fuck is your problem?" he demanded.

I tried to get my arm away from him, but he had a tight grip. I noticed that people were watching and stopped struggling so much.

"My only fucking problem is **you**," I spat, yanking on my arm again.

Taichi didn't seem fazed by this. "And how am I a problem? What, really, have I done to you? Huh?"

I opened my mouth to retort, then closed it. What could I say? In all truth, he hadn't done anything to me in particular.

Taichi let my arm go, but I didn't move.

"I know we didn't get off to a great start," he said, "but I was hoping you'd give me a try. The only reason I picked you up in the first place is because I saw something about you. I got this feeling, and I listened to my instincts and picked you up. I'm not saying we'll suddenly be best buddies or anything, but I really would like to get to know you. You seem... I don't know... interesting. You're not like anyone I've ever met before. So... what do you say?"

I snorted. "I say fuck off, dumbass."

Taichi threw his arms up in the air.

"You know what? Fine. It ends here. Forget you ever even saw me."

"That shouldn't be hard to do."

Taichi looked like he wanted to say something else, but just shook his head and walked away angrily.

After my encounter with him, I walked to the bar and went straight into the back to Shu's office. He was sitting there reading some papers when I stepped in.

"Yamato," he acknowledged me, looking up slightly.

"Why does everyone think I like torturing people?" I asked. "What if I **do** like Daisuke? What if we spent the rest of our lives together? What would you say **then**?"

"Do you like him?"

"No, but-"

"Then that's irrelevant."

"Fuck, Shu! You all think I get some kind of pleasure out of seeing people hurt! Don't you think I have any empathy at **all**! Think of all the shit I've been through! Do you think I don't know what it's like to be hurt? Do you think I **want** to put other people through that!"

Shu was quiet for a moment, then shook his head.

"The problem is, you don't think about those other people soon enough. You don't think. You never think of how your actions will affect you or anyone else, you just do things without thinking first. Every action **does** have a consequence, Yamato."

"I fucking know that! Do you think I'm stupid!"

"Yamato-"

"Shut the hell up! You act like I don't know what the hell I'm doing, like I was born yesterday or something! I'm not an idiot! I've got a fucking brain! You treat me like a kid, like I haven't had any experience in **anything**! News flash: I've experienced a **lot** of things, half of them things I wish I **didn't**! I may make mistakes, hell, I make **tons** of mistakes, but so does everyone! I'm only fucking human!"

This didn't affect Shu like I intended. In fact, it did the exact opposite. He came back at me instantly.

"And part of being human is **learning** from those mistakes. What **you** do is go and make the same mistakes over and over! How am I supposed to treat you like you know what you're doing when you **don't**?"

I gave up trying to convince him at that point. I didn't even know what I was really trying to convince him about. All I knew was that it wasn't working.

"That's it," was all I said, shaking my head. I was boiling inside, but my voice was steady. "Goodbye, Shu."

I walked out of the office and down the hall, hearing Shu call after me, asking where I was going. I ignored him and continued on, walking straight out of the bar and down the street until, a few blocks down, I stopped at a corner.

Really, what was the point? I was going to die sooner or later. And whenever that day came, it would be welcomed. So why not now? Why not as soon as possible, because my life couldn't possibly get any shittier?

I shivered, and realized that I was absolutely freezing. I was probably getting frostbite. My ears felt like they were going to fall off, and my legs were aching from the piercing cold. Not to mention that my hands and face were numb.

"Fuck life," I muttered aloud, and took a few steps out into the street. A beat-up old blue car was coming and it quickly swerved out of the way, the man driving it yelling a few curses out the window. I laughed aloud. Why bother risking an accident when he could've just ran me over?

Another car was coming, a red one, a shiny new-looking sports car. It was coming way too fast to stop in time, and I thought for a moment about how mad the person driving it would be to get blood on their shiny, clean car. Oh well.

I heard brakes screech and looked quizzically at the car, wondering if maybe-just maybe-it **could** stop in time. When the car came to a stop, just barely grazing my legs, I swore aloud, my voice wavering because of the violent shivering my body was undergoing.

"Fuck!" the driver swore, getting out of the car. He sounded furious, and I thought maybe he'd beat me so badly I'd die anyways. No such luck.

I blinked, focusing my eyes, and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs in frustration. Of all people, it had to be Taichi. Why, why, **why**!

"What the hell are you **doing**!" Taichi screamed at me. He yanked me by the arm into his car and blasted the heat on the highest level, speeding down the street once again.

"You're a fucking idiot, you know that! What the **hell** were you trying to **do**! And why the **fuck** are you out here for a fucking stroll in the freezing cold with just that on!"

_What ever happened to being through with me?_ I thought to myself. _And he saw me dressed earlier like this; why didn't he say anything then? He's not even supposed to be talking to me anymore, we're supposed to pretend we don't know each other._

"You're an idiot," Taichi muttered angrily, reaching my apartment in an amazingly short time. He had to practically carry me up to my apartment, seeing as literally could barely move.

Taichi pulled my keys out of my pocket and fumbled with them for a second, trying to figure out which key it was. Eventually he stuck the right one in the lock and turned it, making the door click open. He dragged me inside and locked the door, then took off his and my shoes and dragged me straight to the bathroom.

"You're so freezing you're gonna turn me to fucking ice," he ranted, stripping me out of my clothes while the water ran in the bathtub. He pulled my shirt off, then shivered when his hands touched my bare shoulders. "Fuck..."

He continued to undress me, blushing slightly but pretending not to be affected when he got down to my boxers and finally pulled them off, too.

Taichi turned off the water and helped me into the bathtub, kneeling down beside the tub as I sat in the water, feeling my body begin to thaw out slowly. The water wasn't very hot, and before I could ask why, Taichi answered.

"Going from cold to hot isn't very good," he said. "You have to gradually warm up."

I didn't say anything, and there was silence for several minutes until Taichi put his head in his hands and sighed heavily.

"You're insane," he said to me, voice muffled by his hands.

"So are you," I retorted. "You're not even supposed to be associating with me, remember?"

His head snapped up.

"What was I supposed to do, leave you standing out in the street until you caught fucking pneumonia and died or until the next car ran you over?"

"Yes."

"I'm not a fucking unfeeling bastard, alright? No one in their right mind could do that. Besides, I told you, I have this feeling about you."

"Fuck that," I said bluntly.

"You know what? You're so fucking ungrateful."

"How am I ungrateful? I didn't want you to come and rescue me like a fucking hero. I **wanted** to die. Why the hell else do you think I was standing in the middle of the street?"

"Oh, please," Taichi scoffed. "If you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd do it. You would've done it long ago. You would've made more of an effort to get ran over. Don't play games with me, that shit doesn't work, alright?"

I looked down at my hands with a glare so intense that it could've burned a hole through them. Who the hell did Taichi think he was?

"No games," Taichi reminded me. "Be straight with me."

"Will you shut up already?" I said crossly. "I'm really not in the mood."

"How the hell can you be such an asshole! I'm making the biggest effort possible here, and you're brushing it off like it's nothing! What the fuck is your problem!"

I pressed one of my nails deep into the flesh on my thigh to keep myself from hauling off and punching him. Taichi was really getting on my nerves. What did he want from me? What was he expecting? He said he didn't want sex, so what the fuck **did** he want!

"Leave me the fuck alone," I said, barely audibly.

Taichi pried my hand from my thigh and rested his own hand there, making me look at him. He looked straight into my eyes, a serious look on his face.

"My conscience won't let me," he replied, and I realized he'd heard me. "The feeling I have just won't go away. I know I can't just forget about you, and I definitely can't let you throw everything you have away by actually succeeding in killing yourself. Give me permission to help you, because I'm going to anyway."

I just stared at him for awhile, then my eyes trailed down to his hand and he blushed, removing it.

"Please," he added, looking pleadingly into my eyes.

I mentally scolded myself for even thinking about it and shook my head firmly. Taichi's eyes darkened somewhat, and his whole mood seemed to change. Without another word, he put a towel on the counter and left the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I sat in the bathtub for a few more minutes before getting out.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After drying off and getting dressed in my room, I went into the kitchen, feeling a lot warmer than before but still cold. At least I could function. I looked at the new callers on the phone.

"I wonder where Kaz is," I mused aloud.

"Is that your boyfriend?"

I jumped, startled, and turned to find Taichi leaning against the wall on the other side of the kitchen. I hadn't even known he was still in the apartment.

"Your boyfriend?" Tai repeated.

I snapped to my senses and glared at Taichi, then replied, "Why do you think everyone is my boyfriend? No, Kazu is **not** my boyfriend, because I don't **have** one. He's a friend from work who lives with me. That clear everything up?"

"Pretty much," Tai said, and I realized that I didn't have to explain myself to him. I shouldn't have. He was just some idiot who wouldn't leave me alone.

"You're one fucked up dumbass," I muttered under my breath as I turned on the coffeemaker. Somehow Tai heard me and came back with,

"At least I'm not an ungrateful asshole."

"Fuck you," I growled. "Why are you even still here?"

"I told you, I'm not going to leave you alone."

"That's funny," I said sarcastically. "This morning you were ready, willing, and able to forget about me without a second thought, and now that you've witnessed a suicide attempt from me your conscience suddenly comes into play and decides that you're gonna be a 'good citizen' and shit? I don't **need** your fucking help and I definitely don't **want** it."

"This morning I was mad," Taichi said, but I pretended to ignore him, focusing on the coffeemaker like it was the most interesting thing in the world. "There was no fucking way I could've left you for good. How many times have I told you: that feeling I have-"

"Feelings don't mean **shit**!" I bursted, ruining my act of boredom. "The only thing feelings do are wreck your goddamn life!"

"Yamato-"

"If you knew **half** the shit I've been through, you would **know** not to say that shit to me!"

"Well I **don't** know, so **tell** me!"

It was deathly silent for many moments. Tension and anger hung in the air, and we stared at each other, emotions mixed and jumbled up inside. My phone rang, breaking the silence, and my eyes flitted away from Taichi's. I took the few steps across to the phone and picked it up.

"Hello?"

My voice was unstable, and the person on the other line paused before saying,

"Yamato?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"You sound... weird."

"I'm fine. What is it, Kaz?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm not coming back tonight... I think I'm gonna crash with Shu. Is that alright?"

"Whatever."

"You sure you're okay? You sound-"

"Nothing's fucking wrong! Have fun with Shu, bye!"

I hung up and was relieved when the phone didn't ring again. Taichi was still looking at me, and I glared at him.

"What?" I snapped.

"I read this article in the newspaper... it was about this car accident. One of the guys, his name sounded familiar... Tsuruki, I think it was?"

"So what?" I managed to get out, though my throat was slowly closing up and my fists were clenching.

"So I remembered that you knew him. And I read that he died."

A sort of strangled gasp came from my lips and I turned away from Taichi, biting my lower lip hard. Why had he brought it up? Did he think I didn't know? Didn't his 'conscience' tell him that maybe I'd be **upset** to think about it!

Taichi came over to me and put his hand on my shoulder, but I jerked away.

"If you really gave a shit about me, you would've fucking **thought** before you said that! Get the fuck away from me!"

"I didn't think-"

"No, obviously you **didn't**!"

"I didn't know it would upset you this much-"

"Well, what the fuck did you **think** would happen! You thought I'd just say 'yeah, he was one of my closest friends' and just carry on like nothing **happened**!"

Taichi stepped closer and went to hug me, but once again, I pulled away.

"Don't fucking **touch** me!" I screamed, slapping him.

Taichi's eyes flickered with anger and frustration, and I stepped back, a jolt of fright running through me. I'd seen that look before...

_"You're nothing but a fucking sorry excuse for a human being! You don't deserve to live!"  
"Shut up and stop complaining! I'll hit you so hard you'll never piss me off again!"  
"You know you're enjoying it, faggot! You want more, do you? You're sick!"_

Taichi obviously saw the fear in my eyes, because his face softened and his anger turned to confusion.

"Yamato...?"

I burst into tears and sank to the floor, curling up into a ball and digging my hands in my hair, yanking on the strands. Taichi became alarmed and got down beside me, prying my hands away from my head. He took hold of my wrists in one hand and I choked out a sob, trying to yank them out of his grip. With his other hand, he pressed firmly against my stomach, pushing me back against the wall in an attempt to stop my squirming. Unfortunately, it just made things worse.

I grew more panicked and thrashed more, trying to break free from Taichi's grasp. He straddled me and tried to force me to stillness, but this just encouraged my tears and I managed to free one hand, reaching out and striking Taichi again. He grew angry again and, without a second thought, slapped me across the face. I cried out and shrank back against the wall, squeezing my eyes shut and crying more. Taichi released me completely and I stopped moving, bringing my knees up to my chest again. My sobs and Taichi's muttered curses were the only sound in the apartment.

"I'm sorry," Tai said, embracing me lightly. I tensed up, but he didn't move away. "I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm so sorry."

Tai pressed a soft kiss to my cheek, then ran his thumb over the side of my face, where a bruise was slowly starting to form. He trailed butterfly kisses across my cheek, over my jaw, and to the other side of my face. I was trembling slightly, and Tai hugged me closer, gently rubbing my back.

All the racket had grabbed the attention of my cats, and they were peering into the kitchen from the living room, too curious for their own good. I took in a shaky breath and roughly wiped my eyes, grateful that I didn't have makeup on or I'd look like more of a mess than I was.

Taichi loosened his grip on me and looked into my eyes, his face full of concern.

"I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I lied blatantly, pulling further out of Taichi's arms and rubbing my eyes again.

Taichi sighed deeply. "Don't give me that shit, alright? I know something's wrong. I know I was an idiot for saying that, and hitting you, and just being an insensitive jerk, but there's something else. Why are you so scared?"

"It's none of your business," I muttered. "Stay out of my life, okay? Just forget this ever happened."

"Like I could. I don't know why you won't just trust me! Haven't I proved myself to you? Can't you just take a chance? I swear to you that I'm not trying to upset you! All I want is to try and help you!"

"Some of the worst experiences of my life were based on a chance," I said, voice void of energy. "I'm not going to fuck up my life any worse than it already is."

"You could fix your life. That's all I'm offering to do, help you fix your life! You keep complaining about how fucked up your life is, but you won't let anyone help you!"

"Then I'm a masochist. Wow, I guess you **do** learn something every day." My voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Are you **trying** to piss me off?"

I shrugged. "Is it working?"

"You know, every time you make a remark like that I just keep adding on minutes to how much time I'll have to spend with you to help you."

"Who's the masochist **now**?" I mumbled under my breath.

"That's another half hour."

I settled for just glaring at him. He chuckled.

"If looks could kill..."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Taichi pestered me for half an hour after that, until I got completely fed up and went to my room, locking the door behind me. I laid in bed for a while, and I didn't even know I'd fallen asleep until I woke up.

The door to my room was slightly ajar, and Taichi was sitting on my bed. I stared at him for a moment.

"What the fuck!"

"I know how to pick locks. You look really peaceful when you're sleeping."

"Fucking son of a-"

"I'm still adding time."

"I hate you, you know that?"

Tai ignored me. "Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

"Pain," I answered immediately, then added, "You're very nosy."

"No, I'm curious. What do you mean, pain?"

"I **mean**, all people do is hurt you. I don't want my fucking heart broken, thank you very much."

"That's a shame," Tai murmured.

"What?"

"Just the fact that you don't want a boyfriend. Tons of people would love to be your boyfriend."

I snorted. "Yeah, right. You mean tons of people would love to fuck me and then take off."

"No, I mean tons of people would love to be your boyfriend. Why can't you believe that some people are good-hearted?"

"Because I've had too many encounters with the bad-hearted ones." I grabbed a book from my dresser and flipped through it, pretending to be interested.

Tai grabbed the book out of my hands. "I'm sorry I said all that stuff about you. You know, about you being a slut and all."

"Whatever," I said, grabbing the book back.

Taichi took it again, but threw it across the room this time. I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off before I even started.

"If I asked you to have sex with me right now, what would you say?"

I stared at him for many moments. "...**what**?"

"What would you say?" Taichi asked again, waiting for my answer.

"What the hell! What kind of question is **that**!"

"I'm not hitting on you or anything," Tai said, rolling his eyes, "just answer the question."

"No," I said stubbornly.

"Should I assume that you'd say yes because of how you're acting?"

"No!"

"Well, should I assume that you'd say no?"

"No," I said again, then swore. "Fuck."

"Make this easier and just answer the question. Would you or would you not-"

"Yes, okay! Fuck, will you **leave me alone**!"

"You have to change that."

"Change **what**!"

"You just give yourself willingly to people. You need to learn to say no."

"It's kind of my **job**," I said irritably.

Tai raised an eyebrow. "Really? What happened to 'it's a dance bar'?" he mocked.

"It **is**," I growled.

"Then really, all you have to do is 'dance'."

"I have to give a good show."

"Well, what, do you have sex on the counter or something?"

I turned red in embarrassment and shame. Tai gaped at me.

"Wait... **what**!"

"Just once," I confessed, squirming uncomfortably under Taichi's gaze.

Thinking back to that event always makes me shudder. I regret it so much. It was with this guy who only worked at the bar for a few months. I remember when Tsuruki heard about it. He'd been off work that night and had been pissed at the guy the next day. He'd near beat the crap out of him before Shu broke in. The guy quit that night, and Tsuruki told me not to let people pressure me into things like that.

The guy-Kyuden, his name had been-was nineteen then, which made him four years older than me. And it wasn't just sex. There'd been a lot of foreplay, and I mean tons. Enough so that the audience managed to get pretty much a porn show from it. I had no shame whatsoever since I was so drunk; I'd spread my legs wide while Kyuden was touching me and I have no doubt that the audience had been very familiar with the parts of my body by the time the night was over. I practically displayed myself for everyone. It's fucking disgusting when I think back on it.

And we did all this on a counter. A counter! Kyuden had poured bar drinks all over us and used one of those drinks for lube, and let me tell you, the crowd was wilder that night than ever before. I remember the whole experience vividly, and I wish I didn't. I can't even describe half of the things that went on, it was so crazy. I think that was the peak of my sluttiness.

Taichi was still staring, and I was annoyed by this.

"I was drunk," I defended myself.

"You had sex for a crowd of drunken idiots."

"Well, I'm not a fucking innocent little kid if you haven't noticed!"

"You're **seventeen**! **Think** about it!"

"I hate that I have to do this shit, okay, Taichi! Leave me fucking alone about it!"

Tai calmed down somewhat, and shook his head. "Sorry... but really... you've been in this business since you were, what, fourteen? When did this happen? It's bad enough if it happened recently, but-"

"Fifteen."

It took Tai a moment to process that. "...what?"

"I was fifteen." I'd been avoiding Tai's eyes, and I finally looked up, ashamed.

"Fuck... you're kidding, right?"

"I didn't **mean** to, it just... happened. I'm not a slut, no matter what you may think."

"I just told you that I'm sorry for saying that. Shit... you lost your virginity at 15? In front of tons of people?"

I let out a bitter laugh. "I wish."

Tai stared at me again. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing, forget it. I don't know why I even told you that much." I started to get up, but Taichi pushed me back onto the bed.

"No, I want to know. Were you raped or something?"

"Let go of me," I snapped, shaking his hand off of my arm and moving to get off the bed.

"Oh my God, you were."

"It's no fucking big deal, okay?"

"Don't fuck with me, Yamato, you and I both know that's a huge lie. Fuck, are you serious? What motherfucker did that to you?"

"Too many I can't keep track of them," I muttered under my breath, and, being the lucky person I am, Tai heard me.

"Are you fucking kidding me! You've been raped **that **many times! Is that fucking **possible**!"

"Obviously it is," I said irritatedly, "now can we drop this subject?"

"Fuck no! I can't believe this... you've... fuck."

"Yeah, I know, I'm a worthless piece of shit. Just fucking get it over with, okay? Beat me, rape me, whatever you're gonna do. I'm sick of this stupid game."

"How can you say that! It's not a fucking game! Do I **look** like I'm kidding to you! I would never fucking rape you, or beat you, or any fucking thing like that! Not everyone is out to get you, Yamato, and you need to **trust** people once in a while!"

"Ask the few people who I **do** trust how long it took to **gain** that trust! I just fucking told you some of the shit that's gone on in my life, can't you fucking **understand**!"

"So that was only **some** of the stuff? How about you just get rid of the fucking secrets and tell me what the hell else you've gone through so I can **try** to understand?"

"Like hell I'm gonna do that! You'd have to get me pretty fucking liquored up to spill **that** shit!"

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Several hours later, I woke up in my bed and frowned in confusion, looking at my clock. It was around 6:00. When had it gotten so late, and where was Tai? Had he finally decided to leave me alone?

I sat up, then groaned when I was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. It was the funniest thing... I couldn't remember anything of what had happened after I'd spilled the secret of my stolen virginity to Tai. I sat pondering it for a few minutes, but was interrupted when Tai walked into the room.

"You're still here," I stated obviously.

"You sound thrilled," Taichi said sarcastically. He sat down on the edge of my bed and looked down at his lap. "Listen, Yamato..."

"When did I fall asleep?" I cut in. "What the hell happened? Why the fuck can't I remember anything?"

Tai sighed, looking a bit guilty. "That's kind of what I was about to tell you. Um... you kinda got drunk."

"What the fuck? Why would I-"

"I tricked you into it," Tai blurted out. "I just really needed to know some stuff, and-"

"You fucking **bastard**!" I was boiling with fury. "Who the hell do you think you **are**!"

"I didn't do it for **fun**-"

"I don't fucking **care**! You asshole, I should've fucking-"

"Listen to me! I did it because I wanted to know what you've been through! Yamato, you told me everything. All about your past, all about your father, about your starting over, about how everything bad seems to happen to you-"

"You took fucking **advantage** of me, that's what you did! And now you expect me to fucking **trust** you! What kind of sick, twisted bastard **are** you!"

Taichi covered my mouth with his hand, shutting me up effectively.

"Will you just let me **explain**? I did it because I want to try and understand you, and I can't do that without knowing why you act the way you do. Your past gave me a lot of reasons why you're the way you are, and-"

"I can feel it."

Tai blinked. "...what?"

"The stupid 'connection' or whatever you said you felt. I felt it too." I gave up this information reluctantly.

"So all this time... you've been pushing me away because your conscience was telling you to trust me."

I shrugged, eyes fixed on the bedsheets and I played with them. "Yeah... I guess..."

"And why did you suddenly decide to tell me this?"

"I don't know... it's kind of a waste to tell you about my whole life and just kick you out of my life. I might as well just let you stick around. It saves the time of telling the next person." I cracked a sort-of smile.

Tai stared. "This is kind of... sudden."

"I'm sick of fighting you. It takes too much energy. Besides, you already know about all my shit, so I don't have to use the effort of keeping secrets from you. And I figure I might as well take a chance... it's not like my life can get much worse."

"Well, I'm not complaining," Tai said with a little laugh. "You're serious? I can call you my friend?"

"I wouldn't go **that** far... let's just say I don't hate you and I'll allow you to talk to me."

"So... can we sort of start over?"

"It's not gonna change my attitude towards you."

"I'm not asking you to."

"Then what the hell."

Taichi held out his hand. "I'm Yagami Taichi, otherwise known as Tai. Nice to meet you."

A smile twitched at the corner of my mouth, and I shook my head.

"Ishida Yamato. Don't screw this up with formal shit, please."

Taichi laughed and drew his hand back. "Didn't think you'd go for that, much. What would you prefer?"

"Leave it at this and get out of my house until we run into each other again?"

"Fine, I'll go... but I'm gonna leave you my number, call me sometime."

"Not likely," I said, but went with him into the kitchen and keyed his number into my phone when he told me it.

"Give me your number?" Tai requested.

"I won't pick up the phone unless I'm bored out of my mind," I told him.

"Give it to me anyway."

I rolled my eyes. "How are you supposed to remember it?"

Taichi got a pen that was lying on the counter and handed it to me. "Write it on my hand."

Rolling my eyes again, I began printing my number neatly on Taichi's palm. "You probably going to go tell your friends that you got some cute girl's number."

"Close enough to the truth."

I narrowed my eyes at him, not knowing whether to take it as an insult or compliment. Instead, I finished writing, smirking.

"Alright, done. Get out."

Taichi chuckled. "Alright, alright. See ya."

He walked out the door and I pretended to shut it behind him, but left a little crack. I could hear Taichi reading my number aloud, then he paused.

"'Thanks for last night'...? Hey!" ¹

I shut the door and locked it, laughing.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Reviews are much appreciated, flames are put in the freezer to cool off until they turn into fire-icepops and I can sell them.

¹ - In case you didn't get it, Yama wrote 'Thanks for last night' under his number to make Tai's friends think it was some slut's number. Yeah...


	5. Before I Sputter Out

**A/N:** _(stretches hands, cracks fingers)_ Here we go again!

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Digimon. If I did I'd be rich and I'd hire someone to make lifelike Yama & Tai robots. But alas, I am far from rich. I'm even farther from ever owning Digimon.

**DEDICATION:** This chapter is dedicated to Pixie. After checking every day for 6 months and 22 days, here you go!

**Novocain**  
**Before I Sputter Out**  
by: nEo-cHaN

"Shu wants to know when you're coming back to work."

It was Tuesday, and Kazu and I were eating breakfast. Or rather, Kazu was.

"Never, if he keeps being such an asshole," I said irritably.

Kazu sighed and dropped the subject. "You know, you really shouldn't starve yourself."

"I'm not," I snapped. "I'm just not hungry."

"Whatever, Yamato." Kazu finished eating and got up. "I'm going to work. I suggest you stop by and talk to Shu."

"Like **that**'s gonna happen," I muttered.

Fifteen minutes after Kazu left, I got dressed and left the house. I was halfway down the street when I heard a voice call out to me. I turned around to find Tai walking towards me.

"Great," I muttered under my breath.

"Whoa," Tai said when he got closer, "are you **trying** to get raped? I mean, look at you!"

"Fuck off," I said. "What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

Taichi shrugged. "I'm skipping. Thought maybe we could talk about something."

"Oh? What's that?"

"Let's not talk about it here. You wanna go to a café or something?"

"No." I turned on my heel and began walking back to my apartment building. Tai followed after me.

"Is that a no, you don't want to go to a café or no, you don't want to talk?"

"I don't want to do either," I said, "but if you feel you absolutely **must** talk to me, I guess my living room will do."

Tai shrugged. "Okay, sure. Is that other guy home?"

"His name is Kazu, and it's really none of your business if he's home or not. Unless, of course, you were planning on raping me or something." I looked Taichi in the eye when I said this and he winced.

"Alright, I'm sorry for being even a slight bit suggestive. And that line before."

"Good." We reached the lobby of my apartment and I pressed the button for the elevator. Tai and I were completely silent until we got into my place.

"Coffee?" I asked him, going into the kitchen.

"Nah, I've never liked the taste."

"Your loss." I put the coffeemaker on and went into the living room where Tai was sitting. Takai was laying across his lap, and I raised an eyebrow.

"I thought my cats were cursed."

Tai laughed. "Okay, so they're not evil... I think."

I rolled my eyes, my lips twitching slightly. I sat down across from Tai and leaned back.

"Well?"

"You're not gonna like the sound of this, but... can I take some pictures of you?"

I narrowed my eyes. "What **kind** of pictures?"

"Don't worry, not porn or anything... it's just that I have this school project where we have to put together a sort of magazine, and all magazines have sexy pictures, so..."

I abruptly got up and went into the kitchen. The coffee was ready and I began fixing myself a cup. When I returned to the living room, Taichi looking at me hopefully.

"So...?"

"Why should I do this for you?"

Tai frowned slightly. "I don't know. It's not like anything's in it for **me**. It's just a school project."

Bullshit. "So why don't you ask one of your friends to pose for you?"

"Because they've got the same project, and besides, they're not as easy on the eyes as you are."

"So basically, you're going to use me as a sex object in this magazine."

Taichi sighed. "You know that's not what I mean."

I raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it?"

Truthfully, I didn't find anything wrong with what he was asking me to do, but if he thought he'd beaten me he was wrong. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and think he could just wrap me around his finger.

"Let's face it, Yamato, you're hot. Any picture with you would turn out good. So I'd get a good mark on the project, and I wouldn't have to waste rolls of film. I don't see the problem anyways, you **do** work at a strip bar. People see you **there**, don't they?"

"So I'm worthless now because I work at a bar? You think I want to just display myself for anyone in the world?"

"Stop twisting my words around!" Taichi exclaimed, and I smirked.

"Alright, I'll do the pictures," I agreed, taking a sip of coffee.

"Good, because it's due tomorrow."

My eyes widened and I stared at Taichi in amazement. "**Tomorrow**?" I echoed.

Tai shrugged sheepishly. "Uh-huh. I kinda left it 'til the last moment."

"You're **insane**!" I exclaimed. "How are you supposed to get this done!"

"Well, I **did** bring my camera... I was ready to pick some random person off the street if worse came to worse. Or I just wouldn't have handed in the assignment. It **is** worth 20 of my mark, though..."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Do you even know what your magazine is going to **look** like!"

"Not really."

"You're crazy," I said again, shaking my head. I stood up and headed for my room, motioning for Tai to follow.

"Grey walls," Tai remarked when we entered my room, "Interesting."

"Got a problem?" I asked.

Tai shook his head. "It's just a bit dark."

"Well, that's how I like it." I pulled Tai further into my room and opened my closet, then stood back. "Well?"

Tai looked at me, confused, and I rolled my eyes.

"What do you want me to wear?"

A small smirk appeared on Tai's face, and I glared at him.

"No perverted comments, please."

Tai held up his hands in defense. "Okay, okay. So... I can pick whatever I want you to wear?"

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"Just checking. Alright..." Tai rubbed his hands together. "This is gonna be fun."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes. "Will you take the picture already!"

It had been an hour, and I was all fixed up with makeup and an outfit Tai had chosen for me: a tight red shirt that was open, showing my chest, and tight black jeans. I hadn't gone heavy with the makeup, since Tai had complained, and I hadn't touched my hair because Tai insisted it wasn't necessary. However, he still wasn't taking any pictures. He was fussing over the smallest things.

"I thought any picture with me would turn out good," I mocked.

"It will. I'm just making sure of everything."

"Tai, take the friggin' picture!"

The flash clicked, and I gaped at him. "I wasn't ready!"

"You had the perfect expression on your face, trust me. C'mon, time to get into another outfit..."

Several pictures later, Tai had relaxed and was just going with the flow. I became suspicious after he took a certain picture, though. There was a bulge in his pants that there really was no explanation for except that he was very evidently hard. I wasn't too surprised; the picture he'd just taken involved me posing sexily, in only boxers that were very low on my hips. Which, really, I doubted he would use for his magazine.

"Tai, could you do me a favor?" I asked innocently.

He put down the camera. "Sure, what?"

I got up and took the few steps towards him, then wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, nudging his mouth open with my tongue. After a few moments I broke the kiss and stepped back. Tai stared at me unblinkingly.

"Just wanted to get it out of my system," I told him with a small smirk.

With a little nervous laugh, Taichi shook his head. "Alright then. Was that the favor?"

"No. **This** is the favor." I purposely moved against Taichi's erection.

Taichi gasped and stared wide-eyed at me. He opened his mouth, then closed it, speechless.

"I want you to give me pleasure," I purred into Tai's ear, then licked his cheek.

"Oh my God." Tai said. "You... oh my God."

I led Tai to my bedroom and pushed him onto the bed, closing the door behind us. He looked extremely nervous and I got onto the bed beside him, nudging my knee between his legs. He swallowed hard and I chuckled softly.

"You're acting like you've never done this before," I said.

"Not with someone like you." Tai managed to say.

"Like me?" I mused. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're just... I don't know... you're the guy that no one ever thinks they can get. You're the kind of guy that everyone wants but knows they'll never get."

"Is that so? Well, then, I guess this is your lucky day."

I moved to kiss him again, but to my extreme surprise, he halted me.

"No. Wait."

I stared at him. "What?"

"I... I don't want to do this."

My eyes went wide. I guess I looked offended because Tai rushed on.

"It's not you, I swear, it's just that it's not right. I know you do this to who knows how many people, and you're only doing it because you're in the mood. I don't want to be used as a sex toy. I want us to be friends, I don't want to be like everyone else."

"I can't believe this!" I exclaimed. "Are you fucking **insane**!"

"What, no one's turned you down before?"

"No!"

"Whoa, seriously?"

"You're the first asshole to ever do anything but willingly accept- if not demand it in the first place!"

"So I'm an asshole because I don't want sex from you."

"Yes!"

Tai shook his head. "There's just no pleasing you, is there?"

"Fuck you! Go put together your fucking magazine and leave me the hell alone!" I got off the bed, grabbing the nearest shirt and yanking it on while my eyes stung with hot tears.

"I told you when we met that I wouldn't have sex with you. What made you think I changed my mind?"

"Just fucking **go**!"

There was a long silence, then Tai got up and lightly touched my cheek.

"Yamato... is that a tear?"

I hadn't even noticed. I turned away and rubbed at my eyes, growing angry with myself. I was being such an idiot.

"Fuck you, Tai, go away."

"I don't think I will."

"Did that **sound** like a question to you!"

"No, and I don't care. Don't think I haven't noticed the marks you have from cutting yourself. And I witnessed your trying to jump in front of a car, remember? I know what you're capable of. And I'm afraid of what you'll do alone."

"Well that's too fucking bad, isn't it? You'd be better off with me dead anyways."

"No, actually, I wouldn't. And neither would anyone else who gives the slightest fuck about you."

I blinked back some more tears, my eyes burning. I wanted the whole incident never to have happened. I'd been so stupid; I shouldn't have even **thought** about having sex with Tai.

"Can we just forget this?" I muttered angrily.

"Not really," Tai said, "but we can make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Let's be real, Taichi! Are you willing to put up with all the crap I pull? All the stupid shit I do, and say, and all the things I so much as **think** of doing!"

"Yes," Taichi said without hesitation.

"That's bullshit. I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into."

"I don't **care**. I'm ready to put up with anything at all that you do, or say, or whatever. I've **been** ready."

"Are you **sure**?"

"**Yes**, I'm sure."

"Fine."

I walked out of my bedroom, then, and into the kitchen. I took a knife from the drawer and drew it across my arm, near my wrist. I heard a loud gasp and Taichi grabbed me by my other arm, ripping the knife out of my hand.

"What the fuck are you **doing**!"

"Cutting myself," I said simply, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"**Why**!" Taichi exclaimed, his voice quite high-pitched.

"Because I hate myself and I hate my fucking life! Now, kindly give me back that knife or I'll just take another one."

"No, you won't."

Tai threw the knife in the sink and pulled me down the hallway. His grip on my arm was so tight that it hurt, and his fingerprints remained there when we reached the bathroom and he shut the door, finally letting go.

Taichi turned on the water and shoved my arm underneath the stream, making me hiss and draw back my arm. He firmly put it back under and turned off the water when the blood had been mostly washed away. He managed to find a bandage and wrapped it around that part of my arm, making it so that no more blood would leak out.

I sat motionless on the edge of the bathtub, staring at my arm. I'd never bandaged it before. Come to think of it, neither had Shu or anyone else who found me while I was cutting myself. I looked up to find Taichi looking at me.

"You're mad," I acknowledged.

"Why do you do that!" Taichi exploded.

I was silent, and Taichi shook his head, lips pursed in anger. He took me to my room and ordered me to stay still while he removed my shirt, which was slightly stained with blood, and replaced it with another one.

"As soon as you leave, I'm taking this bandage off," I said aloud.

Tai looked at me, jaw set stubbornly. "No, you're not."

"What'll stop me?"

"The fact that I'm not leaving."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

That evening when Kazu came home, Taichi was still there. He and Kazu had a talk, which I wasn't involved in, then the next thing I knew Taichi was helping Kazu get some stuff out and Kazu was helping Taichi bring some bags in. Kazu left shortly after, saying he'd be back in a few days and he was staying at someone's house... I really hadn't been listening to who's house it was at the time. I was in shock the whole time, wondering how the hell Kazu could do such a thing to me. Couldn't he tell I didn't **want** Taichi with me!

"Too bad your apartment is only one room," Taichi commented that night. "Where does Kazu sleep?"

"The couch," I said immediately, although Kazu had spent many nights with me as we cried ourselves to sleep over the loss of our friends.

"Well, then, I guess that's where I'll be sleeping. And don't think that'll stop me from knowing if you're hurting yourself."

"Why are you such a bastard?"

"Why are **you** such a masochist?"

Tai and I stared eachother in the eyes for a few moments, then I turned and stormed into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. What the **hell** had Kazu been thinking?

Not too long later, there was a knock on my door. I pretended not to hear.

"Yamato," Tai called through the door, "I know you're awake."

I remained silent.

"Fine, be that way... good night."

I heard his footsteps move away and the couch creak slightly. Crawling under the covers, I curled up into a ball, letting my tears flow freely down my cheeks. I didn't know exactly what I was crying about; just my whole life in general. I ended up crying myself to sleep and waking up with my pillow damp.

I didn't feel like I had enough strength to get up. I was emotionally drained, and I really didn't know if I could put up with Taichi. I probably would've stayed in my room for hours unless Tai had knocked.

"Yamato? You up yet?"

I considered not answering, but decided there was no point. "Yeah."

"Did you wanna maybe unlock the door? I want to talk to you."

I stayed put. "About what?"

"Can you just open the door?"

"No," I said stubbornly.

Moments later, the door handle jiggled and Taichi pushed it open. I glared at him and he shrugged.

"It's not that hard to pick locks, you know."

"What do you want?" I asked miserably.

Taichi sat down on the edge of my bed. "How do you feel about all this?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Me moving in for a few days and all. I know it was really sudden and unexpected, and you don't even know me well enough to live with me-even for a few days-but... I don't know. If you're completely 100 against this, then I'll go."

It took me awhile to answer. Tai really did piss me off most of the time, and it was true that he was practically a stranger still, but I didn't want to be alone. And as much as I hated to admit it, I did feel that "connection" he talked about. But I really didn't want to say yes, only because he would think it was his sweet talking and all that bullshit that caused me to say yes. For the sake of being my stubborn, spiteful self, I was ready to say no.

"I'm 98 against it," I said instead.

Taichi shook his head, rolling his eyes and laughing a bit. "So I can stay?"

"I guess," I mumbled.

"Good. I'm glad. Now, do you want to get up?"

"No."

"Come on, you can't stay in here all day."

"Wanna bet?"

Tai rolled his eyes and gave up for the moment. Instead, he held out his hand.

"Let me see your arm."

"Why?"

"I'm going to take the bandage off."

I held out my arm and he did take the bandage off. I could see the mark from where I slit myself. It fit in with all the other cuts.

"Why do you cut yourself?" Tai asked quietly, meeting my eyes while rubbing his finger over the mark.

I pulled my arm back and looked away from him. "It's none of your business."

"Do you think it helps? Is it a way for you to 'get away from it all'? Don't you realize what you're doing to yourself!"

"Yes. I want to die."

"Then why aren't you dead? Are you doing this just to get attention? Because if you wanted to be dead, you would've been dead long ago."

"What are you, a psychiatrist?" I glared at him.

"No, I'm someone who wants to help you."

"Well, you're not succeeding."

"Fuck, Yamato! Can't you make this a bit easier!"

"You're the one who wants to be involved in my fucked-up life, it's not my fucking fault!"

Tai and I glared at eachother, rage flashing in our eyes. Then we were kissing, our lips clashing frantically as our pulses heightened.

I gasped for air, tilting my head back and feeling Tai's hands run over me. He slipped his hand underneath my shirt and devoured me in another kiss as his hand worked its way up my chest. One finger brushed over a nipple, and I moaned.

My fingers buried themselves in Tai's hair, pulling his head closer to deepen our kiss. Active biting and sucking left our lips red and swollen, but that didn't stop us. I suddenly felt Tai pull away slightly, and thought maybe he needed air. I half-opened my eyes, breathing heavily. Tai's face was still only an inch from mine, his eyes half-lidded as he looked at me in a sort of daze.

"Wait," he said breathlessly, "we... we shouldn't do this."

I ran my tongue over my lips, still looking into Tai's eyes. He shook his head slowly and groaned lightly.

"God..."

Our lips crushed together again, each of us fumbling with the other's clothing. Taichi had my shirt off and I had his pants unbuttoned when he stopped again, this time more determinedly. He laid a palm flat on my chest and pushed me away firmly but gently, panting. He tried to catch his breath, shaking his head and licking his lips.

"No," he managed to get out, "we... no. We should stop."

I grabbed Taichi's face between my hands, gazing directly into his eyes.

"Do you want me?"

Tai groaned. "Yes... oh, God, **yes**, I want you..."

"Then **take** me... Goddammit, Tai, you can **have** me..." I locked our lips together, biting his lower lip lightly. Tai murmured softly, then forced himself to break the kiss.

"No," he insisted, shaking his head. "I-I can't. I **won't**."

"Am I not good enough?" I kissed Tai's neck. "Not your type?" I licked his earlobe. "Not... **hot** enough?"

"Yamato, you're as fucking sexy as they come. You have no idea how many times I've jacked off thinking of you already... but, fuck... this isn't how it should be."

"Just this once," I tried to persuade him. "It's just this one time, Taichi. I want you, you want me... what's the problem?" I leaned forward to kiss him.

Taichi shook his head, holding me back from him with his hand. "No... I can't."

The corners of my lips turned down in a frown and I watched Tai stand, button his jeans up, then run a hand through his hair as he sighed heavily. He was so amazingly fucking hot... how had I not noticed before? I mean, I **had**, but not so much.

"I'm so fucking stupid." Tai muttered to himself as he leaned against the wall, hands on his head. "Fuck..."

I bit my lip, chewing on it slightly. I really wasn't looking forward to jacking myself off, and Taichi was looking hotter and hotter by the minute. I leaned forward onto my palms, focusing on Tai. Judging from the bulge in his pants, he was going to be just as sexually frustrated as me.

"C'mon, Tai." I tried to persuade him, on the verge of just pouncing on him and somehow tying him to my bed. "I'm fucking hard as a rock here. I don't feel like taking care of it myself."

"God, Yama, don't... you know we can't do this."

Yama? Where had that come from? I raised an eyebrow. "Yama?"

"I like it... it suits you."

I shrugged. At that moment I couldn't care less abut what he called me. "Whatever... Look, Tai, it doesn't have to mean anything, just... fuck, man, **look** at me!"

"I am." Tai's voice sounded strained. "And I'm scared."

I swallowed, my throat feeling suddenly dry. "Wh-what are you scared of?"

"How I feel." Tai's voice was low and dangerous, and a chill ran down my spine, leaving me with goosebumps.

"How do you feel?" My voice cracked, and I cursed myself.

Tai walked over to the bed and sat down close to me, running his hand along the goosebumps on my arm and provoking another shiver. He rested his head on my shoulder briefly, rubbing his nose along my neck. He then moved up to my ear.

"I'm afraid I won't be able to control myself," he breathed hotly. "I'm afraid I'm gonna end up jumping you, and then regretting everything. I'm afraid I'll never be able to forget you. I'm afraid..." Tai paused, and I took this opportunity to speak.

"Don't." My voice was panicky, and Tai met my eyes. He had an intense look on his face, and my heart was pounding. I wanted to burst into tears with all the emotions I was feeling.

"**Don't**," I repeated, sounding even more frantic. Tai sighed and ran a hand along the side of my face, then shook his head and stood.

"I'm gonna..." He trailed off, then shook his head again and just walked out of the room. A minute later I heard the front door slam.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

_What was he going to say?_

It was just minutes after Tai had left, and I was taking a hot shower while trying to calm myself down.

_Dammit, Ishida, stop killing yourself over this. You **know**_ _what he was going to say._

I did... at least, I thought I did. And I was scared. Taichi had just been about to... what? Proclaim his love for me? Tie the last string in making me unable to let go of him? I was already thinking that I'd gotten too close to him, but that one last step would make it final. And I couldn't let that happen.

"You hate him," I whispered aloud, trying to convince myself. "He's a bastard. He got you drunk to make you spill your secrets. He deprived you of sex more than once. And he thinks you're a nutcase who he can 'help'. Just forget about him."

If only it were that easy. I dug my nails into my own skin, biting my lip. How I hated my life.

I jumped slightly when I heard a creak in the hallway. Then there was a soft knock on the door and Taichi's voice rang out clearly.

"Yamato?"

I shut my eyes briefly, mulling over how nice his voice sounded. "...yeah?"

"I..." There was a pause. "I'll be in your room."

I heard light footsteps travelling away from the bathroom. My room. He'd be in my room. Probably sitting on my bed. Waiting. I bit my lip, one of my hands hovering somewhere inbetween my legs. Taichi, sitting on my bed, looking as fucking hot as ever.

"You're an idiot, Ishida." I scolded under my breath. "He doesn't want you. And **you** shouldn't want **him**. He just wants to be friends. **Friends**."

Right. Friends. Hot bastard with an incredibly sexy voice and body. Friend. Uh-huh.

I let out a shaky breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding. "Damn."

Minutes later, I exited the shower and dried myself off, then wrapped a towel around my waist and headed to my room. Taichi was, indeed, sitting on the bed. He looked up and met my eyes, then shook his head and stood up.

"Where are you going?" I asked, finding my voice.

"Yamato... I can't be in the same room as you, knowing you've got nothing on but that towel."

"I'm gonna get dressed. Just... sit down." I pushed Taichi back onto the bed and began to get out some clothes.

Taichi put his head in his hands, sighing deeply. "This is crazy."

"What is?" I stood at the side of the bed that Taichi's back was facing and took off my towel, beginning to get dressed.

"You're driving me insane. I've never felt like this around someone. You're just... fuck," Taichi sighed, seemingly unable to find words.

Now fully dressed, I went and sat beside Tai.

"You think it's not crazy for **me**? I'm supposed to hate you, remember? You're a total stranger and you're just suddenly living with me. And to make things worse, you're goddamn gorgeous and making my hormones go wild."

"So you don't hate me, then." Tai murmured, seemingly to himself. I chose to answer anyway.

"Wish I did, but..."

There was silence for a moment, in which I played with the hem of my shirt. Now what? This wasn't what I'd planned on happening.

Tai placed his hand over mine, lacing our fingers together and rubbing his thumb over my skin. I remained silent. Why was I feeling so vulnerable suddenly? Why did I feel like I wanted to trust Taichi with my life, and so much more?

"Yamato..." Taichi brought my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to it. I looked at him with eyes wider than usual. This wasn't supposed to be happening.

My eyes met his and I was instantly afraid of what I saw there: pure love, warmth, and care. There was also some sadness in those eyes, and a burning desire which held indescribable passion. I opened my mouth to speak, but Taichi put a finger to my lips, silencing me.

"Shh... I know."

And I felt that he really **did** know. But how could he? How could he know me for less than a month and understand me, when Shu had known me for years and **still** didn't understand fully?

"I'm not going to make any promises," Taichi said softly, "because promises can be broken. But I will, instead, give you everything I've got. I'll completely devote myself to you. I'm taking every risk possible here, but at least you can rely on that."

"I don't want to be hurt again," I near whispered. My eyes were burning with unshed tears.

"I told you I wouldn't make any promises I can't keep. So I can't promise I won't hurt you. But I promise I'll try my best not to. That might not mean much to you, but I really do mean it. And if you're giving me your heart, you won't be without one, because I'm giving mine to you."

I didn't know what to say. Taichi was offering pretty much what he had: his honesty, his trust... his soul. What was I supposed to say to that?

I was still too scared to take another chance with love. But Taichi was offering everything he had to me, and I desperately wanted to accept. He was genuine, and I didn't want to let go of that. This could be, for once, my lucky break... if it was possible for me to have one.

So I took a gamble and closed the gap between us, pressing our lips together in a kiss. When I pulled away, Tai looked at me for a second, then asked:

"Still not out of your system? Or is that a yes, you'll trust me?"

I smiled a bit and wrapped my arms around Tai, moving into his lap and throwing away my last chance of backing out.

"That's a yes."

"Then I must be blessed, because angels don't appear to people everyday."

"Please, no mushy crap."

Tai laughed. "Alright, I'll try to restrain myself... but look who's talking. You're all over me."

I mock-glared at Tai. "Well, would you like me to get off of you?"

I began to move, but Tai stopped me with a grin. "Not so fast."

"Didn't think so." I readjusted my position on Tai's lap, leaning into him more. I nudged my face into the curve of his neck, letting my eyes slowly close. "Mm... maybe I'll let it go, this once." My lips brushed against his skin with every word.

Tai chuckled softly. "I have a feeling you're getting **too** comfortable."

I growled playfully. "Shut up."

"It's funny how quick your mood can change," Tai remarked.

"It's your fault. You got all sappy on me and now I'm in the mood for cuddling." I lightly kissed Tai's neck.

It was true, how drastic my mood swings could be. But what could I say? There was something about Tai that made me feel relaxed and safe. And I was sick of forcing myself to push him away. Besides, he'd just declared himself to me. That called for a bit of sappiness. Although I was surprising even myself.

"You know," Tai said after a moment, "I'm supposed to be at school right now."

"You idiot," I murmured, "You never finished that project."

"Well, who's fault was that, hm?"

"Shut up."

Tai laughed and gently lifted my head off of his shoulder. "Come with me?"

"Where?" I asked, confused.

"To drop off the project at school. I'll finish it before school ends and drop it off. Maybe my teacher will still accept it."

I sighed heavily, reluctantly moving off of Tai. "Fine... do you need more pictures?"

"Maybe just a few."

"Well, why don't we take some of **you**?" Tai began to protest, but I went on. "Because you're just as fucking sexy as I supposedly am, and if you don't let me take some pictures I'm not helping you with the project."

Tai shut his mouth and glared at me playfully. "You little shit."

I smiled sweetly. "Well?"

"Fine, fine..."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

By the time we finished Tai's little magazine, it was ten minutes from when his school would end. We grabbed the project and left the apartment, getting into Tai's car.

"Get ready," Tai said, starting up the engine. "We may have to break some laws, here."

"And do you plan on getting us there alive?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"We'll see." Tai stepped on the gas.

We got to his school in five minutes. I swear Tai ran every red light he saw. And don't even get me started on the corners we had to turn.

"Remind me never to get into a car with you again!" I exclaimed when we screeched to a halt in front of the school. Tai laughed and opened the door, getting out.

"C'mon, let's go. You're coming in with me."

"Am I, now?"

"Yes, you are. You can be very persuasive, I'm sure my teacher will let me hand this in if she sees you."

I rolled my eyes, but got out of the car and walked into the school with Tai. The bell rang as we walked down the hall, and Tai groaned.

"Great..."

"What is it?" I asked.

"I was hoping we could get this done with before or after school ended... now I'll probably have to introduce you to people. And that might take awhile."

"Why would people be interested in **me**?"

Tai looked at me in disbelief. "Are you serious? **Look** at you!"

"So you think people are gonna wanna meet me because of my looks."

"I **know** people are gonna wanna meet you because of your looks."

I rolled my eyes. "Well, we've gotta get this done, so come on."

To my surprise, Tai was right. Quite a few people stopped him on our way to the classroom, and he had to practically drag me away from some of them. Eventually, we arrived at the classroom of our destination. Tai poked his head in to check for the teacher, then pulled me inside when he saw her.

"Miss?" he asked, and she turned, then took on a stern look.

"Mr. Yagami, where were you today?" she demanded.

"I had a doctor's appointment."

"The whole day?"

"Well, I didn't feel well. Anyways, I was just wondering if I could hand this in."

"That was due today at the **beginning** of class. I won't accept it now." The teacher turned around and began erasing the blackboard.

Taichi gave me a pleading look and I sighed, but stepped forward.

"Miss... Taichi worked really hard on this project. He really wanted to get it to you, but his mom wouldn't let him out of the house until he saw the doctor. She was afraid he might be really ill. You wouldn't hold something like that against him, would you?"

The teacher paused, then faced me, looking me up and down. "I assume you're a friend of Mr. Yagami, then."

I nodded. She pursed her lips and looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Well... I suppose if he **did** go through all that trouble... fine, I'll accept it this once. But never again!"

"Thanks, Miss," Taichi said, handing her the project and then tugging me out of the classroom.

"Told you." he said to me once we were out of earshot. "No one can say no to a pretty face."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? I'll keep that in mind."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

We entered the apartment and kicked off our shoes and jackets. Taichi flopped down on the couch and looked out the window.

"Man... snowing already."

I dropped onto the couch half on top of him. "It **is** December 8th, you know."

Taichi put an arm around me. "Yeah, but still."

I rolled my eyes. "You make no sense."

"I've been told that before."

"I'm sure you have." I shifted, getting more comfortable. "You know... I should probably go back to work."

Tai groaned. "Do you have to?"

"I have to make money. What do you have against my job?"

"It's just so... degrading."

"Tai, you act like I'm a prostitute. It's just a bit of dancing."

Tai snorted. "Yeah right."

"I'm going back to work, no question. Besides, I have to see Shu and Kaz."

"Well, I'm coming."

I rolled my eyes. "We'll see." I snuggled into Tai's side.

Tai chuckled. "Still in a cuddling mood?"

"You're just so... cuddly. I don't know." I lifted my head. "And kissable." I touched my lips to kiss.

"You really **are** in a good mood," Tai said, shaking his head. "Hopefully this will continue?"

"You're the one who's causing my good mood." I said. "I swear, Tai, I thought it was crap when people said that other people could bring out the good inside you... but I guess it's true."

"Well, the same goes here. **You're** bringing out the good in **me**."

"We both sound like hopeless romantics," I laughed.

Tai slid his hand up and down my back. "Well, that's partially true."

I shivered slightly at the sensation of his hand. "Is it?"

"Uh-huh." Tai dipped his head down and began kissing my neck.

I murmured softly, closing my eyes and enjoying the feeling. "Mm..."

Tai moved up and kissed my cheek, then whispered in my ear, "I just gave you a hickey."

I blinked, then groaned. "Oh, thanks... **that**'s gonna look great."

Tai laughed. "Hey, you weren't complaining a second ago."

I mock-glared at him.

"So, what are we?" Tai asked suddenly.

I stared at him for a moment. "...what?"

"I mean, are we just friends or what? 'Cause, you know... the kissing and stuff. I mean, we can just be friends and still do this kind of stuff, right? We don't have to be anything official."

"Well, yeah, I guess. I mean... that's how it's been with me and Shu." I had a feeling I shouldn't have said that, and Tai looked at me funny.

"Oh."

"We didn't have casual sex or anything, if that's what you're thinking," I said, rolling my eyes. "It's just that Shu knew what I needed when I needed it and so he gave it to me. Just a few kisses here and there."

"So I'm basically replacing him in that area?" Tai sounded hurt and offended.

I sighed. "Tai, don't be that way. We just became friends, it would be a shame for us to fight so soon already."

"I thought we'd already done our share of fighting," Tai said with a little laugh.

"That's very true. We've done enough fighting to last us weeks. Now, shut up and let me go get ready."

"For what?" Tai asked, letting me go.

"Work," I responded, standing up and stretching.

"Already?"

I shrugged. "You got a better idea?"

"Actually, I do."

"Yeah?" I arched one eyebrow. "What?"

"We're going for a walk."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

I walked alongside Tai, looking around at the area. There were tons of apartment buildings around, and I began to wonder exactly where Tai was taking me.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere," Tai answered casually, "you'll see."

"I want to know," I said, slightly irritated.

"Be patient," Tai replied.

Eventually we stopped in front of an apartment building. I raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"This is it?"

"Yup." Tai headed inside and I followed unenthusiastically.

Someone was coming out as we came in, and Tai caught the door as they walked out. He held it open and gestured for me to walk through. I did and he followed, both of us stopping at the elevators.

"Don't look so excited," Tai said dryly, though grinning. I just gave him a look.

The elevator came just then and we stepped inside. Tai pushed a button and the doors closed. He leaned back and put his arm around my waist, tugging me closer.

I would've questioned him, but 1) I was too interested in why we were in this place, 2) the elevator doors opened just seconds later, and 3) he would let go.

Taichi didn't remove his arm as we walked down the hall, or when we stopped and he knocked on a door. I was getting more and more curious by the moment, and relief washed over me when the door opened. When I saw who was at the door, however, I groaned inwardly.

"Tai!" one of Tai's friends exclaimed. "Long time no see!" He then paused and thought for a moment. "Well, not really, but-"

"Yeah. Yoshi," Tai cut in. "You met Yamato before, right?"

"I believe you introduced us at that club," came another voice, and another friend came into view.

"Great. Well, again: Yoshi, Fujio? Yamato. Yamato? My friends."

"Cool," Yoshi remarked. "We were just about to order pizza, get your asses in here."

Tai led me inside and we all sat on the couch. Well, more like **I** sat. Fujio was draped across an armchair, Yoshi lay sprawled out on one end of the couch, and Tai was relaxed and comfortable in the middle. He noticed my stiffness and slung an arm around my waist.

"Relax," he said quietly, then raised his voice. "I live with these guys, believe it or not. 'Til recently, that is." Meaning, when he'd spur-of-the-moment moved into my apartment. "Shiro and Dayu-you remember them?-have an apartment across the hall, and my parents and little sister have one down the hall at the other end. They used to live beside us but they moved to give me more 'privacy'."

Yoshi snorted. "Yeah right. They moved because we blasted the music so damn high every time we had parties."

"That's the least of the reasons," Fujio added.

Taichi shrugged. "Well, they moved. That's the important part."

I had loosened up somewhat by the end of our visit, but I still didn't like Tai's friends. Maybe I was too close-minded, maybe I was just set against it, but I didn't see myself hanging with them any time in the near future. If that was what Tai was attempting to get me to do, he was way ahead of himself.

Tai tried to pry information out of me the whole way back to my apartment, asking me questions about how I liked his friends and shit. I gave him vague answers, not saying that I didn't like them but not quite saying that I liked them, either. After awhile Tai gave up.

"Listen, I'm going to work," I said when we walked into the apartment. "Don't bug me while I'm getting ready." I paused for a moment. "No, actually, you can help me decide what to wear."

Tai shrugged and sat on the couch, turning on the TV. "Sure."

"How are you supposed to help if you're sitting out here watching TV, idiot?"

"Easy, jackass. You try on stuff and come out here and I tell you how it looks." Tai turned to look at me and smirked.

I would've stuck my tongue out, but that was beyond childish. Instead I ignored him, went to my room, and began looking through some clothes.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**


	6. Life Is White and I am Black

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Digimon. Not yet, anyway. Then again, if I did you'd have to wait many years between episodes... :p

**Novocain**  
**Life is White; and I am Black**  
by: nEo-cHaN

Tai turned out to be an awful bother instead of a help. He had a problem with half of the things I tried on because they were "too tight" or "too sexy". After that last comment, I gave him an incredulous look and decided to choose on my own.

I was only able to get on some light eyeliner, since Tai was fussing over the makeup thing. He was pissing me off so much that I didn't even get to gel my hair. I just wanted to get out of there so that he'd stop bugging me. Unfortunately, he insisted on driving me.

"I can take the bus," I protested, "I'm used to it." The truth was, I knew Tai would be a nuisance around the bar. Not to mention he'd freak out at everything I did.

"Like **that**, you're going on the bus?" Tai sounded doubtful.

I wasn't even wearing my work clothes. The clothes I had on were tight, sure, but not **that** tight. This made me protest even more to Tai's offer, since the clothes I'd be changing into were way tighter.

"Yes, like this," I answered. "I've done it tons of times before, so just let me go."

I opened the door and began to walk out, but Tai grabbed my arm.

"Yama, please."

I glared at him. "You are so fucking annoying."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Tai pulled up to the curb and turned the car off. "We're here."

"I can see that."

I got out of the car and shut the door, then groaned inwardly when I saw Tai getting out. I knew he'd want to come in with me.

"Why don't you call up your friends and meet them somewhere?" I suggested.

"Actually, I think I'll tell them to meet me here."

My shoulders slumped in defeat. It was going to be a horrible night.

I saw Kazu at the bar when I walked in and went over to say hi to him, Taichi following behind me.

"Kaz," I greeted him, "how's it going?"

"As good as can be expected." Kazu changed the subject and nodded at Taichi. "Hey."

Tai opened his mouth to respond, but I cut in. "Where's Shu?"

"In his office as usual."

I nodded and leaned off the counter, heading towards the back.

"Hey," Taichi came after me, "aren't you gonna introduce me to your boss?"

"No. Go talk to Kaz."

"I want to meet this guy," Taichi insisted.

I gritted my teeth. Alright. He could catch a glimpse of Shu, then leave. Somehow I doubted that would be all, though.

Shu's door was open, and he spotted me before I even entered the room.

"Yamato!" he exclaimed, his face lighting up. He crossed the room and grabbed me into a hug, squeezing me tightly.

"Shu, you're killing me," I laughed breathlessly.

Shu loosened up, laughing also. "Sorry." Then he saw Taichi. "Oh, who's this?"

"Yagami Taichi," Tai said. "I'm a friend of Yama's."

Shu raised an eyebrow and I cursed Taichi mentally. "Well, it's nice to meet you. I've heard some things about you from Kazu. You gonna stick around?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"Is Daisuke coming in tonight?" I asked Shu.

"Wait a minute, **who**?" Tai looked at me in disbelief.

"Daisuke," I repeated. What was his problem?

Tai's eyes nearly bulged out of his head. "Kid with a sister named Jun?"

"Yeah," I answered with narrowed eyes. How could he possibly know that?"

"Shit," Tai breathed. "...that's my cousin."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Well. That changed things.

"Your cousin?" I repeated. "Man... that's fucked."

"This should be interesting," Shu commented. "How long has it been since you two last saw eachother?"

"At **least** five years. Wow..."

I had a feeling it wouldn't be pretty when they saw eachother again. First of all, it still hadn't sunk into Tai that Daisuke worked at the same place as me. Which meant he did the same work as me. Which Tai wouldn't like. Secondly, I was pretty sure Tai wouldn't like what I'd exposed his little cousin to. As in, bedroom fun.

"Tai, could you leave Shu and I alone for a minute?" I asked Tai, figuring he was in too much of a daze to argue. I was right and he nodded, leaving the room. I closed the door.

Shu raised an eyebrow at me. "Boyfriend?"

"**Friend**," I corrected him. "He's lucky that he's even **that**."

Shu chuckled. "I see. He seems like a nice guy, from what I've heard."

I shrugged. "Yeah. He's gonna be pretty pissed when he hears about all the stuff Daisuke's been subjected to, though. And he **cannot** stay tonight. He'll kill me if he sees me-or Daisuke-doing this stuff."

"Doesn't approve?"

"Thinks it's 'degrading'," I quoted him. "Acts enough like a boyfriend."

"Any predictions?"

I shrugged. "Could happen. We've kissed, made out a bit."

Shu nodded. "And how are things going, just generally?"

"As good as can be expected," I quoted Kazu. "It's still hard, y'know? And it's even harder, being here... how do you do it?"

Shu smiled sadly. "You can't change the past. I guess you have to accept that, you know? Let things be. And remember the good memories. It's never easy. It helps when you've got people to help you through it, though."

"Yeah..." And I realized that I did. I did have people. I had Shu, I had Kazu, I had Taichi. And they were more than enough.

Shu suddenly squinted his eyes, then smirked. He reached out and tapped a spot on my neck. "What's that?"

I looked at him, confused. "What's **what**?"

"This here. Looks like a hickey to me."

Aw, crap.

I felt my cheeks heating up. "He's not a boyfriend."

Shu laughed. "Sure he isn't. C'mon, let's go out there and see what's going on."

It was a good thing we got there when we did. The first thing we saw when we exited the back area was Tai staring at something. The something? It was Daisuke, walking into the bar.

"Oh, crap," I muttered under my breath.

Daisuke walked right past Tai, seemingly not noticing him. He smiled at me and waved at Shu. "Hi."

"Hi," I said distractedly, and Shu nodded.

Daisuke looked confused. "What's wrong with you guys?"

"Nothing," Shu said casually. "Hey, Daisuke, do you recognize that guy over there?"

Daisuke turned, then stopped in his tracks when he saw Taichi. His eyes went as wide as saucers.

"**Taichi**!"

Tai was staring right back at Daisuke, and he shook his head in awe. "Dais..."

And then they were hugging tightly, both laughing in disbelief.

"Wow," Tai said, shaking his head again. "I can't believe this. I haven't seen you in **forever**, Dai, oh my God.."

"I know! And this is the last place I'd expect you to be.."

Tai suddenly froze a bit. I guess he finally realized where he was. His face sort of clouded over.

"Let's go into the back so you can have a little privacy," I quickly said, guiding them both in the back. Shu gave me a nod of approval and didn't come back with us, giving us total privacy.

I led them into one of the rooms and closed the door. Tai looked back and forth between me and Daisuke, frowning.

"Care to explain?"

"Taichi, Daisuke isn't working here because he **wants** to," I began to explain. "He sort of, well... **has** to."

Taichi looked pissed. "Are you saying he's being forced to work here?"

"No!" Daisuke quickly protested. He then sighed. "Sit down, Tai... this is going to be a long story."

Daisuke told Tai the same story he'd told me. Tai looked numb by the end of it. He stared at Daisuke for a long time.

"Holy shit," he finally breathed. "Fuck.. I knew when you were both living at that one place, but... man... shit..." Suddenly Taichi banged his fist on the desk that was in there, causing both Daisuke and I to jump.

"Sorry," he apologized, "I'm just really, really pissed." Tai ran a hand over his face. "God..."

"Are you mad?" Daisuke asked timidly.

"At **you**? No way. I'm just mad that this shit **happened** to you." Tai shook his head. "Daisuke... you know you can come stay with me. I'd welcome you with open arms."

Daisuke nodded. "If these guys decide to kick me out, I will. Where do you live?"

Tai paused. "Well... right now I'm sort of... staying with Yamato."

Daisuke looked surprised, glancing at me. "How do you two know each other?"

"Chance meeting," I answered casually. "We sort of got to know each other, and..." I shrugged.

"I still can't believe you're working here," Tai fumed. "I hope you're not doing anything... well..."

"Don't worry, he's as innocent as they come," I dismissed it, waving a hand. Daisuke gave me a tiny smile. I remembered that the last time I'd seen him, he hadn't been innocent in the least. There was no need for Tai to know this, however.

Tai gave me a suspicious look. "I hope so." He turned back to Daisuke. "I insist that you come and live with me."

I guess he was leaving my place, then.

"That'd be great," Daisuke said truthfully.

When we all went back out into the front, Shu gave me a questioning look. I left Daisuke and Taichi talking to each other and went over to him.

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"Well," I replied. "Thank God. Dai's moving in with Tai."

"So Tai's moving out?"

"Yeah."

"You want Kaz to come stay with you?"

I shook my head. "I'll be fine.

"Alright." Shu glanced in a seemingly random direction. "Have you seen who's here?"

I frowned in confusion. "What?"

Shu smiled. "Go ask Kaz."

Shu took off into the back and I went to visit Kazu, wondering what the hell Shu was talking about. Luckily Kazu wasn't too busy and noticed me right away.

"What's up?" he asked.

"Shu says there's someone here and that I should ask you about it," I said skeptically.

An instant grin spread over Kazu's face. "Ah, right. Look to your left."

I did. And look back, bewildered. "What am I looking at?"

Kazu was now looking somewhere over my shoulder, smiling subtly. "Never mind."

Someone clapped their hands on my shoulders and I nearly jumped a mile, then spun around. And stared.

"Holy-! **Takechi**!"

"The one and only," he responded, grinning.

Takechi Matsuda is a guy who used to work for Shu. He's also a guy who I used to date. And by 'date', I mean that we were all over each other all the time. Everyone knew we were together. Which explained the look on both Shu and Kazu's faces when they were hinting about him being here.

"What are you doing here?" I asked in disbelief. He'd supposedly moved pretty far away.

Takechi flashed me a grin. "Moved back here and thought I'd visit you guys." He sat down in one of the stools and winked. "Couldn't pass up an opportunity to see **you**, babe."

I could already feel the heat flowing through me body. I'd forgotten how Takechi could affect me. He had lightish brown hair and rich brown eyes, and an extremely hot body. He was also twenty-one years old and very good in bed.

Takechi pulled me down onto his lap, making me straddle him and putting us in a pretty compromising position. I could practically **feel** Kazu smirking at us.

"How've you been, baby?" Takechi asked me, eyes sparkling.

"Pretty good... Takechi, what are you **really** doing here?"

Takechi looked hurt. "I told you, visiting. Why wouldn't I want to come see you?"

He wasn't telling me the full story. But I let it go, shaking my head. "Forget it."

Takechi gave me a funny look, then turned to Kazu. "Hey, Kaz, get us some drinks over here?"

Kazu grinned and brought us over two drinks. "Enjoy." Still grinning, he gave me a knowing look and walked away.

I looked back at Takechi to find that he was looking at me and smiling fondly.

"I missed you," he said softly, then pulled me into a kiss.

And I'd definitely missed his kisses. If I wanted to pull away, I couldn't have. I wrapped my arms around Takechi, kissing back with enthusiasm.

"I see you've found each other," came an amused voice, and we reluctantly pulled away to find Shu standing there. He raised an eyebrow.

I blushed. "Shut up."

Takechi and Shu laughed.

"You gonna dance for us tonight?" Shu asked Takechi. "For old time's sake?"

"We'll see," Takechi said. "Only if you'll let my pretty little blonde here go early tonight."

Shu laughed again. "It's a deal."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Luckily, Tai didn't see me with Takechi. I could only **imagine** what he would've said. Work went by pretty fast that night and amazingly, Tai didn't bother me or Daisuke too much. He actually left after a while and moved his stuff from my place back to his. When he got back, Daisuke and I were both done our shifts. Takechi and I had danced together, and it had been the highlight of the night- which, luckily, Tai had missed.

"Hey." Tai greeted me when he returned. I'd just gotten changed and all from work. "I'm gonna go grab Daisuke and then we're gonna go get his stuff and bring it to my place, ok? I'll be right back."

I nodded and Tai disappeared into the crowd. As if on cue, Takechi appeared at my side.

"Hey, sexy," he purred in my ear, tugging me away from the crowd. "I think this is the part where I take you home."

I giggled slightly, his lips tickling my ear. "I think I can find my own way home, 'Kechi."

"Oh, not **your** home." He gave me a wicked grin. "**Mine**."

Going home with Takechi? Taichi would be pissed.

Takechi waited for an answer, still grinning. "Well? What do you say?"

Screw Taichi.

I grinned back. "I say let's go."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Takechi's place was nice. It was an apartment not very far from the studio. A one-bedroom apartment but very roomy and sort of hotel-looking, if that makes sense.

"Would you like a drink?" Takechi offered as I entered the kitchen, holding a bottle of wine.

I nodded. "Sure."

Takechi poured us both a glass of wine, handed me mine, and then guided me into the living room. We sat down on a soft, cream-colored couch.

"You're just as sexy as you were when I left." Takechi said, eyeing me and taking a sip of wine.

I blushed. "You too."

Takechi grinned and put down his glass. "I'm assuming you haven't got a boyfriend or anything or the sort?"

I briefly thought of Taichi, then pushed him out of my mind. "Nope."

"Interesting. I don't know who could pass you up." Takechi moved closer to me.

Wisely, I placed my glass on the table. I didn't want to spill it on the couch.

Takechi kissed my neck, gradually letting the kissing turn into sucking. His hand crept beneath my shirt, slightly moist and cool from holding the wine glass.

Takechi's mouth moved up to mine, engaging me in a hot kiss. I let my eyes slide closed, barely noticing when he unfastened my pants and slipped his hand inside.

"Takechi," I moaned as he took a hold of my length. This was something I definitely **hadn't** forgotten.

"I love the sound of you saying my name like that," Takechi murmured heatedly. He moved back down to my neck and bit down on the skin slightly. "And I can't wait to hear you scream again."

Indeed, I did end up screaming. And moaning Takechi's name many more times. It was only when I woke up at 2:00AM in Takechi's bed that I actually thought about what had happened.

Takechi woke up, sensing that I was awake, and kissed me. "Mm... what is it, baby?"

I looked him in the eyes. "Takechi, why are you really here?"

He met my gaze for a few moments, then sighed and broke it. "I got fired from my job."

"Why?"

"Because I wouldn't take out this guy."

"...wait, **what**?" I sat up partially.

Takechi sat up too, looking at me pleadingly. "Don't look at me like that, baby.."

"Takechi, what's going on?" I asked firmly.

He sighed. "...when I left, I left to go work for my father. It wasn't going very well, so I quit. I couldn't find a job for the longest time, and then this guy offered me one. Only... it wasn't your regular job." I gave him a look, and he elaborated. "I was a hitman."

I gasped. "You **what**!"

"I was hired to kill people." Takechi said miserably. "It was the only job that I could find! And once you get into those things, it's hard to get out. Then they wanted me to kill this one guy. He lived next-door to my dad. They were friends. He knew me, he'd met me a bunch of times..." Takechi shook his head. "I couldn't. So they fired me. And I came back here."

"Oh my God." I gaped at him. "Oh my God." Then I began to get out of bed.

Takechi grabbed my arm. "Yamato, please-"

"Takechi, are you **insane**!" I nearly screamed. "You **killed** people!" My voice was slightly high-pitched.

"I know, I know," he groaned. "But you don't understand-"

"I understand **perfectly**!" I fumbled in the darkness for a moment, gathering my clothes.

"Yamato-"

"No! I don't want to hear it!" My heart was pounding. I'd just slept with a killer. A **killer**.

Catching me off guard, Takechi pulled me back down onto the bed. I opened my mouth to protest, but he held a finger to my lips.

"Shh. Please. Just let me explain."

"What is there to explain?" I hissed.

"I did it because I had to. I didn't have any money, Yamato. I couldn't go back to my father... he'd think I was a failure. I didn't **want** to kill people, but what else was I supposed to do!"

I thought about it for a moment, then something dawned on me. This wasn't very different from what Daisuke or I had done. We'd needed money. So we'd gotten the only jobs we could. Takechi was simply doing the same thing. The only difference was that he'd gotten out of it.

Takechi was awaiting my response. I bit my lip, then sighed.

"What are you doing now?"

"I was actually thinking of going back to work for Shu. But I've got a job offer from someone. It would be an office job. Nothing big, but I'd be making money." Takechi looked uncertain. "Are you still mad at me?"

I couldn't help but smile a bit. "No... I mean, if you had to do it, you had to do it. At least you stopped." He'd done what I couldn't.

Takechi smiled gratefully. "Thanks, baby." He kissed me. "I love that about you, you're so understanding and forgiving."

Was I? I didn't think so. But who was I to object to his opinions?

Takechi and I went back to sleep after that, and the next time I woke up it was 10:00. Pretty late for me to sleep in. I nearly freaked when I saw the time. Takechi thought I was crazy.

He made us both breakfast, and around noon I went back to my place. I didn't expect anyone to be there, since Tai had supposedly moved out. However, when I entered my apartment he was standing in the hallway, his arms crossed.

"Hello, Taichi," I said calmly, despite the rage in his expression. I took off my shoes and locked the door, then attempted to pass by him.

"Oh, no you don't!" Tai stopped me where I was.

I raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"You blew me off last night!" Tai exclaimed angrily.

"Did I?" I said airily, and began to walk down the hall once again.

This time Tai took my arm and roughly swung me to face him. I frowned, opening my mouth to say something, but he cut me off.

"Do you think this is funny?" he demanded. "Where the hell **were** you!"

"It's none of your business," I replied, irritated.

"I beg to differ." Tai's eyes were flashing. Why was he so upset?

I yanked my arm out of Tai's grasp. "What is **with** you?"

"You were with a guy, weren't you?"

So **that** was it. I actually wanted to laugh. Tai was jealous.

"So what if I was?"

This seemed to make Tai even angrier. He opened his mouth, then closed it, at a loss for words. Eventually he settled for glaring at me.

This time I did laugh. "Really, Tai, you shouldn't be so upset. You're the one who insisted that we shouldn't be in a relationship like that."

"I didn't mean... I mean... I..." Tai spluttered. I had him there.

He finally shot me another glare and said, "I didn't mean it like that."

I snorted. "Don't bullshit me. You made it very clear that you weren't interested."

"Well, I... I mean-" Tai threw his hands up in exasperation. "We were finally getting to **know** each other, and I thought... well..."

"We agreed to be **friends**," I reminded him. "If there's a problem with that..." I trailed off.

Tai didn't say anything for a moment, then stepped up to me, jaw set determinedly. "There **is** a problem with that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I'm listening." I raised an eyebrow and folded my arms across my chest.

Tai stepped even closer. "In fact, there's a very **big** problem with that."

I rolled my eyes. "Go on."

And then Tai was kissing me. I moved away, startled. "What are you-"

He grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me against him, taking over my lips. The kiss was rough and heavy and filled with passion and heat. When Tai pulled away, I just stood there for a moment. Then wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his.

We made our way to my bedroom, still kissing heatedly, and collapsed onto the bed with me on top of Tai.

"Don't even think for a moment that you're gonna be on top," Tai said with a grin, briefly breaking our kiss. He then flipped us over so that I was on the bottom, to emphasize his point.

"Then you'd better do a good job," I said with a suggestive smirk.

"Oh, I will."

Unfortunately I'd forgotten that just the previous night, I'd had pretty rough sex with Takechi. Meaning that it would probably hurt like a bitch for Tai to fuck me. He began figuring out clues well before we even got far into our activities.

He came across bitemarks on my neck and shoulder after he took off my shirt. He didn't say anything, but I knew he was suspicious. And perhaps a bit angry, if he guessed correctly. I think I even had a few hickies. When Tai finally began inserting himself into me, I cursed mentally and flinched a bit.

Tai paused. "You okay?"

"Fine," I lied. Dammit. Takechi had fucked me pretty brutally.

Tai continued to push inside. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't; I gasped loudly, and he stopped abruptly.

"You were with someone last night." It wasn't even a question.

I didn't answer, but that was all he needed. He started to move away.

"Wait!" I grabbed his arm. "I promise I'll explain later, just... don't stop, Tai, please."

"Does this mean anything to you?" he demanded.

"Yes," I insisted.

Tai looked at me for a long moment. "You'd better mean that."

Tai was really good. I mean **really** good. It made me wish I'd insisted on it earlier. And convinced me that I wanted Tai to stick around for a very long time. Tai might've been better than Takechi, which was saying a lot.

The questions began after we'd been laying in my bed for a while. Tai turned to me with a serious look on his face.

"Who were you with last night?"

I sighed. "A guy... Takechi."

"Who is he?"

"He used to work there... when he did, we sort of..." I let the sentence hang, but Tai understood fully.

"And so now he comes back and thinks he can just have you again?" Tai sounded pretty pissed off.

"Well, it's not like I'm with anyone else."

The look on Tai's face told me I'd said something wrong. I instantly tried to tak back my words.

"Oh- no, I didn't... I didn't mean it like that-"

"I knew it." Tai shook his head. "I knew this didn't mean anything to you."

"I didn't know you..." I bit my lip and started over. "I'm sorry, Tai-"

"Forget it." Tai's voice was flat.

"No, Tai, really. If I thought that you thought that we... oh God, I'm sorry."

"Sure you are."

"I am!" I frowned. "Tai, I'm trying to apologize. I didn't know you thought we were-"

"Well, I didn't think you'd go off and fuck some random guy!" Tai exclaimed.

My frown deepened. "He's not some random guy-"

"If I thought this was going to happen, I would've asked you out long ago," Tai said crossly.

"Tai, I really am sorry. If I'd known it would make you like this-"

"It's not your fault," Tai muttered. "It's mine. For assuming that you were automatically mine."

My eyebrows shot up. "Yours?"

Tai sighed deeply. "Yama... I know this is going to be hard to believe, but... I love you. I know I haven't known you for a long time, but I really do. And the thought of you with another person, it just..." Tai sighed again. "I just want us to be together. With each other. Only. I love you."

_...He **what**!_

"**What**?" I said aloud.

Tai looked nervous. "I love you," he repeated.

Loved me. Right. But it made sense. Why else would he put up with all the shit I'd been doing? Why did he suddenly decide that it was okay for us to be in an intimate relationship? Why else would he get so mad that I'd been with Takechi?

Saying yes to Tai would mean that I couldn't fool around with anyone else. Not even just casually kissing Shu, or Daisuke, or anyone at the bar. Or anyone at all. But then again, it would mean I'd have someone to count on all the time, besides Shu. Then again, it also meant I'd be vulnerable to being hurt again. But on another hand, I could have crazy wild sex with Tai whenever I wanted. I honestly had no idea what to say. So I said it back.

"I love you too."

But I had to admit that it was partially because I didn't know what else to say.

Tai looked surprised, but then a smile lit up his face and he hugged me. Tight. Which reminded me that we were still naked from our previous events. Apparently it reminded Tai too, because he suddenly grinned.

"So I got to experience the famous Yamato Ishida in bed," he teased.

"You should be famous yourself," I retorted, also grinning.

He laughed. "Glad you think so. It was pretty obvious, though, by the way you were screaming."

I felt my cheeks heat up. "Shut up."

Tai laughed again. "I thought it was sexy." He winked.

"Really, now? Well, then, I won't hold back next time, I suppose."

"Please don't." Tai's hands lingered somewhere below my waist. "I think we need to do this again soon. I didn't really get a good look at... certain things." His hand brushed my member.

"I think both of us were a bit distracted," I said. "So it's absolutely necessary for us to do it again."

Tai smiled and kissed me. I felt a little pang of guilt. _I love you_. The voice echoed in my mind. And I'd said it back. And it had obviously made Tai happy. But did I even mean it, at all?

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

When Tai left, I called Shu almost immediately to see if he was busy. He wasn't, so I decided to go down to the studio and ask him for some advice. Or just rant about my problems.

I got there pretty quickly and only said a very quick hello to Kazu and a few others before I went to Shu's office. Since he was expecting me, he wasn't on the phone or anything.

"What's the problem?" he asked when I sat down.

I sighed heavily. "Where do I **start**? Okay. Last night I went to Takechi's place."

That sentence alone said a lot, and Shu nodded.

"Well, I was supposed to go with Tai to help Daisuke move to his place. But obviously, I didn't. So this morning when I got to my house, Tai was there and he was really pissed. And then we sort of..." I gave Shu a look, and he understood. "Well, after that... he told me he loves me."

Shu raised an eyebrow. "And what did you say?"

"I didn't know what to do, so..." I shrugged guiltily. "I said it back."

"I'm guessing you didn't mean it."

I shook my head meekly.

"That's not good."

"I know."

For a moment there was only the sound of Shu rolling a pen back and forth on his desk. Then he spoke.

"I don't know what to tell you."

My shoulders slumped.

"And Takechi thinks you're back together with him, doesn't he?" Shu pointed out.

"Crap." I wanted to kick myself. I'd made a huge mess out of things in less than a day.

Shu listened to me sympathetically as I rambled on about my problems. Then he gave me a bit of useful advice.

"You have to set things straight with them, at least," Shu said. "Explain to Takechi that you have some things you need to take care of. As for Tai... well, maybe you said that for a reason."

I looked at him doubtfully. "You think I love him?"

Shu shrugged. "All I'm saying is that maybe you could get to love him if you gave him a chance. Who knows?"

Well, there **was** that connection...

"I guess." I sighed. "Thanks, Shu."

"No problem. You know you can always come to me."

"Yeah."

I got up. I was tempted to go over and kiss Shu, but that wouldn't make anything better. I'd already made a big enough mess as it was. So I smiled instead and exited the office.

I went over to Takechi's house after that, while I still had the nerve. Luckily he was home.

"Yamato!" he exclaimed when he opened the door, looking pleasantly surprised.

"Takechi, I can't be with you." I said bluntly, before I lost the courage.

He blinked twice, smile faltering. "What? Wait, is this about the whole... 'killer' thing?"

"No, no," I quickly assured him. "It's just that, well... there's... this **guy**..."

"Oh." Takechi looked disappointed and hurt. "But... last night..?"

"I know. I made a big mess, and..." I sighed. "I'm sorry. But if things don't work out..."

"If things don't work out, make sure I'm the first to know." Takechi said, offering a small smile.

I smiled back. "Thanks."

He gave me a little hug, then playfully pushed me out the door. "Go on, get out of here."

I was glad that he'd been so understanding. It made me feel even worse about dumping him like that. But Shu was right, I couldn't just go around leading people on. And possibly having them get hurt in the process.

After my little stop at Takechi's, I went over to Tai's. Daisuke answered the door. Then started laughing

I looked at him quizzically.

"What's so funny?"

When he'd stopped laughing, he answered. "Tai just went over to your place to find you."

I rolled my eyes. "And I'll bet if I go to get him, we'll miss each other again."

"Probably."

So I sat down and talked to Dai instead.

"Tai told me about what happened," Daisuke told me.

"You mean this morning?" I felt my cheeks growing hot. What was with me and blushing lately!

Daisuke grinned. "Yeah."

"**Everything**?"

Daisuke nodded, grinning wider.

I rolled my eyes. "That idiot."

Daisuke laughed. "I don't think he plans on telling anyone else, don't worry."

"Does it bother you?" I brought up suddenly. "I mean, that Tai and I are...? After you...?"

Daisuke shook his head. "I'm happy for you guys. It's just a crush, right? I'll get over it. Tai really loves you."

I felt a pang of guilt. I **couldn't** tell Tai that I hadn't meant it. **He** obviously had meant it.

"Yeah..." I said softly.

It wasn't long before we heard the front door open and shut. Tai was grumbling to himself.

"Where is that son of a... Yama!" He stopped when he saw me.

I raised an eyebrow. "What was it you were about to say?"

Daisuke rolled his eyes. "I'll leave you two alone." He winked and left the room.

"Where were you?" Tai asked, coming over and sitting down beside me.

I shrugged. "Around. Went to visit Shu. I just saw you this morning anyway, why were you coming over?"

"Why were **you** coming over **here**?"

Damn. He had a point.

I ignored his question. "Tai, about this morning-"

"It was amazing." Tai cut me off. He didn't even seem to notice that he had, though. He smiled at me. "I think it was the best experience of my life."

Crap.

I forced a smile. "Yeah... I felt that way too."

Well, I had. In a way. I mean, it was really good sex. Did that count?

Tai kissed me. Just a short, sweet kiss. He lightly ran a hand over my hair, then slid his hand down to mine, squeezing it and just smiling at me.

Oh God. He really **was** in love with me.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

I walked into Shu's office that evening and sat down in a chair, groaning.

Shu raised an eyebrow at me, but said nothing.

I groaned again.

He rolled his eyes. "Alright, Yamato, what's wrong?"

"Tai's in love with me." I said plainly.

Shu didn't blink. "And... didn't you tell me this earlier?"

"Well yeah, but then I..." I searched for the words. "**Witnessed** it!"

Shu sighed. "Witnessed it?" he asked.

"He was all sweet and stuff and just... loving!"

Shu looked amused. "That's what people do when they're in love, Yamato."

"I know, but... ugh! This is so...!"

Shu chuckled. "You'll have to get used to it."

I sighed. "I guess... God, this is gonna be crazy."

I hung around the studio until it came time for me to work. By that time, everyone somehow knew about my situation with Tai and took every chance to tease me or make a comment. They also knew that I was staying at the studio partially to avoid him, so many of them were snickering at me when Tai walked into the place. I was talking to one of the bartenders, so he noticed me right away.

"Hey you," Tai said, slinging an arm around my waist and tugging me to face him. He planted a kiss on my lips.

I could practically **feel** people smirking at me. "Hi, Tai."

He glanced over what I was wearing and raised an eyebrow. "I'm guessing you're all set to work."

I was wearing an outfit that, let's just say, was hardly decent. It was like something you'd see a typical female stripper in. I was actually one of the only ones wearing something like that because everyone insisted I looked the most like a girl. I had on mascara, eyeliner, blush, eyeshadow, and lipstick... the works. Usually we only bring out the kinds of costumes that I was wearing for busy, wild Friday and Saturday nights, but tonight had a sort of "theme". We were all actually supposed to be wearing bunny ears too, but many of us were skeptical about that.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Yeah, I know. We look like playboy bunnies or something."

Tai actually laughed at that. "Well, you definitely look like strippers." He pinched my thigh lightly.

"You'll make the tights run," I said, slapping his hand away. Then blushed at what I'd said.

He laughed at me. "Wouldn't want to make the tights run," he teased in a girly voice.

"Shut up." I changed the subject. "Is Daisuke coming in tonight?"

"I don't know. I hope not."

I rolled my eyes. "Tai, he's got to make money."

"He doesn't need to, he's living with me now. I don't want him doing a job like this, where random guys can just..." Tai shook his head. "I mean, I don't even want **you** doing this."

"Tai..."

"Could this outfit be any tighter?" Tai said incredulously, trying to make the tone a bit lighter. "How did you get this **on**?"

"I don't know, but you can help me take it off later," I replied smoothly, pressing against him and winking.

Tai grinned. "I look forward to that, my little bunny." He reached to where a bunny tail would be and pinched me. I squeaked and blushed, glaring at him.

"You are such a pervert." And I loved it.

Loved. There was that word again. But honestly, I could handle Tai being like this. It was just the creepy "I love you" stuff that freaked me out.

"Yamato!" someone called me over. I turned and rolled my eyes when I saw Tetsuya, a fellow dancer of mine, waving me over and smirking.

Turning back to Tai, I gave him a quick peck on the lips. "I'll be right back, okay? Go talk to Kaz or something."

I began walking over to Tetsuya, wondering what the hell he wanted. Probably just to tease me.

Tetsuya was grinning when I reached him. "Love the costume. Looks like your boyfriend does too."

"Shut up. What do you want?"

"Just wanted to tell you that watching you and your boyfriend flirt in the middle of the floor is very entertaining. I'm sure everyone else thinks so too."

"You guys are assholes."

Tetsuya laughed, and when I turned around to go he slapped my ass. I glared at him and thanked god that Tai hadn't seen. And hopefully he wouldn't notice any of the other guys staring at my ass, which I knew they were.

"Honestly, that outfit is so tight." Tai said, shaking his head as I walked up to him. "How can you move?"

"Practice." I replied, then turned to who he'd been talking to. "Kaz, do you know if Dai's coming in tonight?"

"Don't think so. Why?"

"Tai's paranoid."

"Hey, I have a right to be!" Tai defended himself. "Look at how you're dressed. If I ever see Daisuke dressed like that..."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't worry."

"I have a right to." Tai pulled me closer and lowered his voice. "You're only supposed to be dressing like that for **me**."

We started kissing, and Kazu rolled his eyes and walked away.

"Hey, look who it is!"

I felt someone slap my ass and broke the kiss. Tai frowned at who was now standing in front of us: Shiro and Dayu.

"Don't ever touch his ass again." Tai said with a slight edge to his voice. "And what're you guys doing here?"

"What do you think?" Dayu asked. "Checking out some hotties, like this one." He looked pointedly at me.

They were Taichi's friends, but they were pissing him off. You could tell.

"Shut up, Dayu." He said in a warning tone, pulling me right up against his side.

Dayu held up his hands. "Calm down, Yagami, jeez. You're so touchy."

"When it comes to my property, yes."

His property?

Dayu shrugged. "Whatever." He and Shiro headed off.

I raised an eyebrow. "Your property?" I repeated.

He blushed a bit. "Well-"

"I like the sound of that." I interrupted him, smirking. "Property of Taichi Yagami. It sounds sexy. Maybe I should get a tattoo of that, hm?"

Tai grinned. "I know right where it should go." He slapped my ass, then leaned in and kissed me. "And I'm the only one who would ever see it, correct?"

"Of course." I pulled him down into another kiss.

"Okay, okay, enough of a show," Kazu said, coming back up to up. "People are coming in. Go to the back. I'll get someone to come back there when it gets busy enough and tell you all to come out. Don't want to ruin the surprise theme." Kazu grinned.

"I'm gonna go sit with those guys," Tai said, nodding towards his "friends". I saw that the other two were there now too. "Don't let any crazy perverts touch you or I'll have to bite their hands off."

I giggled, which made Tai smile in amusement. "Don't worry, you won't have to do any biting."

"I'm not so sure about that. I don't know who could keep their hands off of you." He kissed me. "Love you."

"Don't have too much fun without me." I smiled at him, then started towards the back.

I'd avoided saying it, and I was pretty sure he hadn't noticed. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**


	7. Better Give Me Something to Fill the Hol...

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Digimon, Yama, Tai, Daisuke, etc. You get the drift.

**Novocain**  
**'Better Give Me Something to Fill the Hole**  
by: nEo-cHaN

"Love the outfit."

I turned around to a familiar voice and my eyes widened slightly.

"Takechi!" I exclaimed. "Hi!"

He gave a little half-smile. "Hey. So I guess that was the guy out there, huh?"

He'd seen. I felt a pang of something like guilt.

"Yeah..." I noticed Shu watching me and focused my eyes on the ground.

"He's a lucky guy," Takechi said almost wistfully.

I didn't say anything. What was I supposed to say to that? I tried to think of what I probably **would've** said if it was just a casual situation. Then I cracked a small smile and looked up at Takechi.

"Yeah, I know."

Takechi laughed.

"So what are you doing here?" I asked him, relieved that I'd shattered the awkwardness somewhat. "You gonna dance?"

"Nah, I'm just here to watch. Visit. Whatever you wanna call it." Takechi shoved his hands in his pockets.

"So shouldn't you be out there if you're gonna watch?"

Takechi shrugged. "Not now. I mean, you guys aren't even out there yet."

"We will be soon."

"Alright, I'm going." Takechi paused as if he were going to say something. Then he shook his head a bit, almost like he was clearing his mind, and walked away.

I had to completely put the thought of Tai watching me out of my head while I was dancing. I knew he'd freak out later. I was probably dancing 'too sexily'. And I couldn't think of one person who hadn't touched my ass by the time the night was over.

I'd changed into some other clothes and was talking to a few fellow dancers when Tai found me. I knew he was coming before he reached me because someone so kindly mentioned it. ("Look, it's Yamato's new boy toy!")

"Hey." Tai said and tugged at my arm a bit. "You coming?"

"Yeah, I'm coming." I nodded at the other guys. "Bye."

They said goodbye with smirks on their faces and I left with Tai. He didn't start any conversations on the way to my place, so I didn't either. When we got to my place I assumed he was staying because he came in with me and locked the door behind him.

"Enjoy the show?" I asked him, heading to my room.

"You were good. **Too** good. I had to take a few bathroom breaks to settle down." Tai sat down on my bed.

I put down the stuff I was carrying and sat on his lap, straddling him. "So you enjoyed it then."

"I didn't enjoy the looks you were getting from everyone else. No, not just looks. Everything. The way you were dressed. The way you let so many people... **touch** you."

"Tai, it's work. It's just business." I squeezed his thigh. "It's you that I'm with at the end of the night."

"And everyone else gets you before me."

"Tai, stop it. It's my job, okay? I have to make money."

"You could come live with me..."

"Tai, you can't protect everyone from everything! I'm not going to quit my job, and Daisuke **is** going to grow up one day! You won't be able to make decisions for him!"

"I just don't want you two selling your bodies!" Tai exclaimed. "And don't argue that you're not selling your bodies because you get paid for it. That makes you as bad as a prostitute."

I slapped him and got up. "I am **not** a fucking prostitute, okay? If you feel that way then maybe you should fucking pay me for the other night. Because prostitutes don't give away their bodies for free."

"No, stop it... I didn't mean-"

"If you say it, you mean it." I snapped.

"I didn't! Yama, just... **listen** for a moment!"

"No, **you** listen, Tai! I'm sick of people calling me a slut and a prostitute and all these stupid fucking names! It wasn't my choice to be this way, okay! Maybe if I'd gotten to give my body to someone I actually **wanted** to in the first place, I wouldn't be this way; but I didn't! I've been giving my body away since I can fucking remember, and **not** for money!"

I'd tried as hard as I could to hold back the tears but it didn't work. I was shaking and I knew my face was red. I just wanted to throw myself on the floor and cry. And then I wanted to curl up in bed and fall asleep and never hear from anyone but Shu again.

Tai tugged me down onto his lap gently, looking guilty. "I'm sorry, honestly. I didn't mean that the way it came out."

"Then how did you mean it?" I wiped a tear away angrily.

"I don't know." Tai sighed. "I just know that I hate this. I hate that even though you're mine, you're not really. I admit it, I'm the jealous and possessive type. So I don't like the fact that you go out there and dress like that and dance for all those guys. And then I only get you when you're finished with all that. I just... it doesn't feel right. I don't want you to have to do that. I want you all the time. I don't want anyone else to have you in any way. I don't want anyone else touching you or even **looking** at you the way those guys do. It drives me crazy! I hate it!"

I didn't bother to say anything. Tai and I would just keep repeating the same things over and over and not get anywhere. I rested my head on Tai's shoulder and allowed him to hug me. He rocked me back and forth on his lap soothingly as I closed my eyes and tried to calm down.

"You okay?" Tai murmured.

I sighed. "...yeah."

"I'm sorry if I upset you, but I love you. I don't want to share you with anyone."

He didn't know it, but he was just making things worse. 'I love you' was becoming the most dreaded phrase in my world.

Tai poked me lightly. "Baby?"

"I love you too."

I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. I sounded like I was only saying it because I felt like I had to. Which was actually the case, but I didn't want Tai to know that. He looked hurt, however I had no idea what to do so I didn't say anything else.

I was so glad when the phone rang. I practically jumped out of Tai's lap and picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hey, beautiful."

"Hi, Shu. Are you still at the studio?"

"Yeah, I was about to leave but I thought I'd call you first. How'd it go with your boyfriend?"

I couldn't exactly tell him everything with Tai in the room. Especially with my opinions.

"...I'll call you back later, okay?"

"Sure. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Bye."

I hung up, cursing myself for not stretching out the conversation. Now I had to go back to dealing with Taichi.

He'd laid down in my bed while I was on the phone, having shed everything but his boxers and a white tank top. He had his arms behind his head and he was staring up at the ceiling.

I turned off the light, closed the door, and changed into boxers and a black tank top. Then I got into bed beside Tai. He wrapped his arms around me after a moment and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"Good night."

"Good night," I echoed, grateful that he'd decided to drop whatever subject he might've brought up.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Deep into the night I snuck out of bed and went into the living room to call Shu. I didn't turn any lights on and before I left my room, I closed the door so that the chances of Tai hearing anything I said were near impossible. Shu could barely hear half the things I said because I was whispering so quietly.

"So he really doesn't like the bar, huh?" Shu asked.

"Nope," I verified. "He hates it. Well, he hates that I work at it. And Daisuke too."

"That's understandable. But a person's gotta have **some** job, right?"

"Yeah. And besides, I have fun at the bar. I love it there, it's like a second home. Or third, if I include your place. I can't imagine living without all you guys now."

"We'd miss you if you left. And if he's your boyfriend he should support you, right?"

"Yeah... that's true." Shinigami leapt up onto my lap and rubbed up against me. I petted him absently.

"Takechi was talking to me today. He's really got it bad, you know. He can't get over you."

I sighed. "It was nice to get back with him... but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Tai... he **loves** me. I can't just... you know?"

"Takechi loves you too. Hasn't he ever told you that?"

I thought for a moment. **Had** he ever told me he loved me? I didn't think so. And if he had, I probably hadn't taken it very seriously.

"I don't think so." I said truthfully. "Now that I think about it, it was sort of an assumed thing between us... but I never really thought of it as **love**..."

"It really hurt him when you broke up with him. He told me that he was so happy you two had gotten back together... he was thrilled to see you again. Then you just ended it, just like that. He was devastated. I know he hides it well sometimes but he **does** have feelings and emotions, Yamato."

I bit my lip, considering. If Takechi really did love me... well, then it was a straight choice between he and Tai. And the choice wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. No matter what, someone would get hurt. The thing was, I'd already told Takechi that it was off. So wouldn't it just be a lot easier to stick with Taichi?

I voiced this opinion to Shu and he didn't help much, in my opinion.

"You've got to do whatever you feel is right. Don't do what's 'easier'. Do what will make you happy."

We got off that subject and onto a more morbid one: how we were coping with the deaths of Tsuruki, Toichi, and Hiroshi. I missed Tsuruki. A lot. And I missed Toichi's calm and responsible air around the bar. And Hiroshi's completely irresponsible, hyper and frantic behaviour. But I couldn't get over how guilty I was about Tsuruki. We'd been torn apart on such a bad note. I guess that's why everyone always says never to go to bed angry, and not to hold grudges and such. It's not easy but if I'd known it would spare Tsuruki, I would've done it.

Of course, I knew it wasn't my fault that Tsuruki had died. But I couldn't help it; I felt partially responsible. And nothing anyone ever said was going to change my feelings about that. Unless they could bring Tsuruki back, which they couldn't.

When I got off the phone with Shu and went back to bed, I laid awake for a long while. I thought mostly about who I should choose: Tai or Takechi. I'd known Takechi for longer and I truly did love him. At least, I thought I did. But Tai? I didn't think I loved him, and I wasn't sure if I ever could. Sure, I felt a connection, but the only reason I was with him was because of sex. And that wasn't fair to him. So it only made sense that I should choose Takechi and let Taichi get over me.

But I didn't want to. I mean, I wanted Takechi but I didn't want Tai to get over me. I wanted both of them. And I knew I couldn't have that. So I was stuck. Which meant that the longer I couldn't choose, I'd be with Taichi. Which meant that I'd probably become biased and choose him. Which also wasn't fair. So the only solution I could come up with was not to choose either one of them.

...which, now that I thought about it, didn't sound like such a bad idea. Actually, it sounded pretty damn good. If I wasn't officially going out with either of them, that meant I could date both of them. Which took care of my problem. At least, until I decided.

I grinned as I stared up at the ceiling. I was a genious.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It was Saturday when I actually got up the nerve to follow through with my plan. I had nothing to lose, right? Expect for Tai, possibly. But it was for his own good. He was under the impression that he meant something to me, which wasn't right.

Things didn't work out exactly how I'd expected. Pretty much the only thing that worked out according to plan was that Tai and I split up.

I went over to Tai's place in the afternoon. I hadn't heard from him since he'd left my place Friday morning. Which was a pretty big deal, seeing as he couldn't leave me alone before.

He answered the door looking pretty pissed.

"We have to talk."

"Yeah, we do." I stepped inside, pushing past him. Daisuke was sitting on the living room couch. He quickly got up; threw me a half-apologetic, half-guilty glance; and scurried down the hall. Weird.

Tai practically slammed the door behind me and I jumped. I turned around to find him glaring at me.

"Okay, what's going on?" I asked cautiously.

"What's going on? What's going **on**!" Tai took a few angry steps towards me. "Why don't **you** fucking tell me what's going on, huh!" He shoved me.

I shoved back immediately. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"You! How could you fucking-" Tai broke off and let out a cry of frustration. He paced for a moment, then suddenly became violent again and grabbed the front of my shirt, yanking me towards him.

"You fucking hypocrite," he snarled. "You assured me that Daisuke would be fine. You said you'd watch him. Then you go and corrupt him!"

Corrupt him? Oh, crap- Dai had told.

"First of all," I argued heatedly, "I said that **after** it happened. Second of all-"

"Oh, so that makes everything fine! You know, Yamato, not everyone needs to be a slut like you!"

Furious, I dug my nails into Tai's shoulder and narrowed my eyes at him angrily.

"You're pushing it."

"Pushing **what**? You're the one going around molesting innocent kids!"

"Daisuke isn't a kid, and I didn't fucking molest him! He **asked** me to! I think I know a hell of a lot more about molestation than you, don't you think? But of course you'd blame this on me. Everything's my fault, isn't it? I can't do anything right? Well I think there's **one** right thing I'm going to do today. The only reason I came here in the first place was to tell you that we're through. And you just helped reassure me that I made the right decision."

I pushed Tai roughly-he stumbled into the wall-and stalked out the front door. I couldn't say it had gone well but at least fate had intervened to help me decide between Taichi and Takechi. Naturally, I'd chose Takechi.

Although... maybe I shouldn't have granted Dai's request. He was driven by hormones, and so was I.. partially. So that was one point against me.

Another negative point for me was that Tai had put up with a lot from me. I was surprised that he'd stuck around for so long. It's not like I made it easy for him.

By the time I reached Takechi's place, I'd made a mental list of all the things Tai could rightfully blame me for. There were quite a few. Some-actually, most-were debatable, but they still counted.

I tried my best to put Tai out of my head when Takechi answered the door. I think I succeeded sufficiently. Of course, when you're trying not to think about something you automatically think about it more.

Takechi looked mildly surprised but more confused than anything. "Yamato? What're you doing here, what's up?"

"I broke up with Tai," I said bluntly as Takechi let me in.

"You did?" Takechi locked the door and glanced at me, puzzled. "You don't look particularly upset."

"I'm not." I walked through the front hall after taking off my shoes and sat down on the couch. "In fact, I should've done it earlier."

"You two have only been going out for a few days!"

"A few days too long."

"What was so wrong with him?" Takechi asked incredulously, sitting down next to me.

"He was a stubborn, insensitive bastard."

"That seems a bit harsh."

"Harsh?" I raised an eyebrow. "Have you met this guy? The only reason I went out with him in the first place was because he told me he loved me!"

Takechi's eyebrows shot up. "You dumped a guy who loves you after a couple of days?"

"I shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place. I thought maybe I could just lie to him or avoid the whole subject altogether but... he just kept telling me he loved me and I couldn't say it back without feeling completely horrible." I shook my head. "I can barely stand him as a friend. I don't know what I was thinking."

"There's gotta be some other reason you went out with him." Takechi said.

"Well... he's okay **sometimes**. I mean, mostly when we're..." I stopped and blushed a bit.

Takechi half-smiled. "Yeah, I get it. But you've gotta have **some** sort of feelings for him besides lust. Otherwise you wouldn't have built a relationship-no matter what kind-with him at all."

Takechi was making a lot of sense. I knew I'd put up with Tai for some other reason. But I was pretty damn sure it wasn't love. It was just that stupid "connection" thing he talked about. I swear he brainwashed me.

But I didn't want him anyway, even if there were other feelings there besides lust. I wanted Takechi. I'd known him for longer, we trusted each other, and he accepted me for who I was and what I did. With Tai there was a wall there, a barrier that stopped him from reaching me completely. With Takechi I had a closeness that I didn't have with Tai. Maybe someday I'd feel differently about Tai, but by then it would probably be too late to turn back. And chances were I wouldn't want to.

I was probably confusing Takechi like crazy. First I dumped him for Tai, then I dumped Tai and went to Takechi for comfort... and was kissing him. Deeply, passionately, and fully intending to take it farther.

Takechi broke the kiss after many moments, looking uncertain. He opened his mouth, then closed it and ran a hand through his hair. Finally he spoke.

"Um..." He looked like he was trying to come up with the right words. I helped him out.

"I want to get back together," I said.

Takechi looked a lot less confused. "Are you sure? I mean, you just broke up with a guy, right?"

"Yeah, but the whole time I wanted to be with **you**." I moved myself onto Takechi's lap.

"I just want to make sure that this is what you really want."

I pressed against him, just enough to imply my impatience. "It is."

I don't know which one of us started the kiss but within moments we were locked in a heavy kiss, tongues and all. Takechi's hesitance from before had vanished. We would've been fucking in just seconds, but the phone rang.

Takechi and I both jumped a bit, startled. Then he closed his eyes, groaned, and got up to answer the phone. I let out a frustrated sigh, watching him pick the phone up.

"Hello?" He paused while the other person talked. His expression changed and so did his tone when he spoke again. "Yes, this is him... yes..." A smile crossed Takechi's face. "That's good news... yes... thank you. Goodbye."

Takechi hung up and turned to me, grinning. "I got the job!"

I held out my arms to give him a hug of congratulations. He moved forward and bent down so that I could. "That's great."

"Yeah, I start on Monday." Spontaneously, Takechi lifted me off of the couch. I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He grinned suggestively. "Does my room sound good to you?"

"Very good."

We were halfway down the hall when Takechi's pager went off. He supported me with one arm and retrieved his pager from his pocket with the other. He looked at it and frowned.

"What?" I asked him.

Takechi didn't answer right away. He carried me into his room and then put me down on the bed. He grabbed the cordless phone, sat next to me, and gave me a kiss and an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry, baby." He dialed a number on the phone, then put an arm around me and brought me closer so that I was leaning against him. I placed my head on his shoulder and waited.

Someone picked up on the other end and Takechi began speaking. I tuned in when I heard something about a marriage. I could actually hear the other end of the conversation as well as Takechi's. He was in the middle of a sentence when I began listening.

"...can make her own decisions!" He paused and I couldn't quite make out what the other person-a woman-was saying. "I kno-... yeah... I know!"

Now I could hear more clearly. _"...barely knows him! He didn't even buy the engagement ring himself, his mother got it! He doesn't even care about her, he just goes off all the time and wants her to be there when he gets back! That's the whole reason for this wedding! I'm not going. I don't think any of us should go. She needs some sense talked into her!"_

"Calm down, Rae. People live, people make mistakes... maybe it'll work out, you know? Maybe they really love each other." Takechi gave my arm a little squeeze at this point.

_"Well I still think she's making a big mistake. If Aiko thinks I'm going to be a bridesmaid at that wedding, she's insane. And I know Mae isn't too happy about this either. I refuse to accept that man into this family."_

"Rae, it's Aiko's decision. We should just support her. That's what we're here for, right? And who knows, maybe she sees a side of him that we don't. So, first of all, breathe. Second, you should go talk to her. I think you both need to see things from each other's point of view. And you might as well accept it, because she's really happy about this marriage thing. Third..." Takechi glanced at me. "I've gotta go. You remember Yamato?"

Rae... right, his sister! And if I remembered correctly, Mae and Aiko were cousins of his. It was all tying together much more now. But if I was right, then Aiko was a bit young to get married. Maybe that was part of why Rae was so upset about it.

_"Yamato?"_ She sounded confused at first. Then she spoke again and I could hear the realization in her voice. "_Oh, Yamato! Of course I remember him... you were never so crazy about anyone else in your life!"_

I smiled and Takechi gave me a little smile of his own, obviously knowing I'd heard her.

_"You were so upset when we had to move... wait, so you two got back together?"_

"Yeah. Luckily we both still feel the same way about each other, if not stronger." He used his free hand to take mine and briefly squeeze it.

_"That's great. At least you've got more sense than Aiko. I think I **will**_ _go talk to her. I get the feeling you're occupied, am I right?"_

Takechi laughed. "Yeah. Call me sometime after you talk to her to tell me how it went, okay?"

_"Okay. Tell Yamato I said hi!"_

"I will. Bye."

_"Bye."_

Takechi pressed the off button and put the phone down. He then raised an eyebrow at me.

"I'm assuming you heard that?"

I took my head off his shoulder and nodded. "Aiko's getting married?"

"Yeah. She's been going out with this guy for a while now. He's never really around, goes out all the time, doesn't seem like he cares about her all that much, you know? But she really seems to like him and he proposed to her so she said yes. Rae's all upset about it. But it's Aiko's choice, right? Anyway..." Takechi put a hand on my thigh. "Where were we?"

Not a minute had passed before the doorbell rang. Takechi shook his head and let out a laugh of disbelief.

"This is insane." He shook his head again. "I'm so sorry, baby."

"Not your fault. Fate sucks."

He laughed and got up, tugging me with him. We went to the door and he opened it to reveal a guy who looked about nineteen, maybe twenty, standing there. The guy lifted his hand in a wave.

"Hi." He looked at me and raised an eyebrow at Takechi.

Takechi rolled his eyes. "Yamato, this is Calvin Masaki. Cal, this is Yamato Ishida; my boyfriend."

Calvin had messy black hair-but not in a bad way-and dark blue eyes. He was pretty cute... actually, **very** cute. Of course, Takechi didn't need to know I thought that.

Calvin held his hand out, offering a little grin. "Cool to meet you. I hear about you all the time. Takechi never stops going on and on-"

Takechi cut him off. "Calvin and I have been friends for a long time. As soon as I got back here, he somehow heard about it and was the first one to visit me."

"I'm the best friend." Calvin added.

I opened my mouth to speak, but Takechi spoke before I did.

"Yamato and I were sort of in the middle of something..." Takechi trailed off.

Calvin instantly grinned widely. "Oh, I'm sorry, didn't meant to interrupt." He winked not-so-subtly, then waggled an eyebrow and I laughed.

Takechi rolled his eyes but couldn't help laughing also. He pushed Calvin out the door playfully. "Get going, you idiot. Go bug Satoru or someone."

"I'll be back for you!" Calvin said dramatically, pointing a finger to emphasize. Then he grinned at me, waved, and began walking down the hall.

Takechi closed and locked the door, shaking his head, then turned to me.

"Alright. Now, like I was about to do before we were interrupted..."

I didn't get to find out what he was going to do because the phone rang again. Takechi clenched his jaw, a vein in his neck becoming more prominent. He growled under his breath and headed to his room. I followed after him.

"Hello?" Takechi's voice was flat. I stopped in the doorway when Takechi's tone lightened a bit. "Oh, hey Shu... yeah, he's here." Takechi held out the phone to me.

I walked over and took the phone from him. "Shu?"

"Yeah. Sorry if I interrupted anything, but I couldn't think of anyone else to call."

"What is it?"

"I need you to come in early. It's sort of an emergency... a bunch of the guys cancelled or couldn't come... it's a really bad weekend; supposedly everyone has plans. So I can't find anyone to work on short notice, and I've got all this other stuff to do, and I'm gonna tear out all my hair before the night's over!"

"Breathe, Shu. I'll come in early, okay? I can be there as soon as you want."

"Could you be here in an hour?"

"Sure. Before that, even."

"Okay." Shu let out a deep breath. "Thanks, Yamato. Oh, and there's one more thing."

"Yeah?"

"I might not need you to do so much dancing tonight, it's more of a job like... well... a server, I guess."

Maybe I forgot to mention this, but another job at the bar is serving drinks to the seated customers. The bar is like a normal, calm hangout during the day and a crazy hotspot at night. Well, depending on the day. I've been a server plenty of times, but I'd rather not be harassed by middle-aged balding men if I can help it. However, if Shu really needed me...

"Is that okay?" Shu asked me.

"Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry. Takechi can probably help out some, too."

"Thank God. I don't know why everyone chose this weekend to be busy. I'll see you soon?"

"Yeah. Bye."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

After I hung up and explained to Takechi, we went straight to the bar. It was pretty crazy over there, which was weird because it was still afternoon. Usually it gets busy in the evening. Because it was so busy, Takechi and I were both helping out a lot. Takechi was working at the actual bar and I was being a server. There were short periods when it cleared out and we took breaks, but then it would just get busy again. It was insane. I understood why Shu had been so stressed out.

"I can't thank you guys enough," Shu told us when business slowed down a bit and we took a break. "I don't know what I'd do without you. You're lifesavers."

"No problem," I said. "I don't think I've ever seen the bar this crazy during the day."

Takechi nodded in agreement. "It's really odd."

"I know." Shu shook his head. "It's not like it's any special occasion or anything. Is it? Am I missing something?"

I shrugged. "If you are, tell me when you find out. As far as I know, everyone just spontaneously decided to come to the bar."

"It's really odd. Anyway, I've got a ton of stuff to do... you guys can manage it out here, right?"

I nodded. "Definitely."

Shu went back to his office and we continued to work. It got late quickly, which meant more and more people were coming in. Which meant it was really hectic, crowded, and loud by the time we usually get all our customers. It was like a memo had been sent out to everyone, telling them to all come at the same time.

I was about to take a little five-minute break when a man who looked around forty crashed into me from the side and nearly knocked me over. I stumbled, then steadied myself and looked at the man. He couldn't take one step without wobbling greatly. Obviously he was extremely drunk.

Takechi appeared out of nowhere and asked me if I was okay. I nodded and got Takechi to help me take the man to a table. Once we had him seated-well, sort of slumped-in a booth, Takechi went to get him some water. After asking me if I'd be okay, and me saying yes, he left me with the man.

I bent down slightly, propped the man up, and held the glass to his lips. Being a server means not allowing people to leave the bar in a state where they'll get die if they go out on the road.

"Here, have a drink." I said, trying to keep my tone light.

The man eyed me. "I'd rather have a drink of you, sweetie."

His words were slurred greatly, but I could still make out what he was saying. Luckily I'm used to being hit on by men twice my age, especially when they're drunk. I ignored his comment.

"Come on, just have a sip or two."

The man grabbed the glass from my hands and gulped it down, slamming it on the table when he was done. He licked his lips.

"This drink here, that's a good one! Get me another one of these!"

Obviously he was too drunk to even realize it was only water. I went and got another glass, and he downed that one just as fast as the first. When he was done, he pushed it to the far end of the table. I leaned over to get it and felt a hand on my ass.

I quickly took the glass and straightened up, but he didn't move his hand. I cleared my throat.

"Sir, please remove your hand," I said stiffly.

The man snorted a laugh, but dropped his hand. He pointed to the glass in my hand. "Bring me something good, blondie."

I turned, but the man suddenly grabbed my arm. He reached into his wallet clumsily, pulled out a twenty-dollar bill, and thrust it into my hand.

"That's for you, sugar. Go buy something nice."

If he hadn't grabbed my ass, I probably would've been nice and put the bill back in his wallet. Taking advantage of people while they're drunk isn't a hobby of mine. But since he'd been so obnoxious?

I smiled fakely, said thank you, and went to get another glass of water while tucking the bill in my pocket. As I was doing this, a couple people called me over to get them drinks. I got their stuff and served them first, then headed back to the table with the man.

When I got there, he was slumped over in his seat with his head on the table. His arm was outstretched across the table, wallet still in hand. Some contents had fallen out.

I sighed, put the glass down, and hauled the man to a sitting position. I propped him up against the wall on one side of the table, then began stuffing the items back into his wallet.

I was just about to close the wallet. I turned it over and my breath caught in my throat. I stared for a moment unblinkingly. With shaking hands, I pulled the card out and looked at it, then the man, then back at the picture.

It felt like time had stopped around me. I slowly opened the wallet again, taking out several different items. A driver's license, a health card, credit cards... even a folded-up photocopy of a birth certificate. They all matched. My hands trembled.

A cough sounded and I nearly had a heart attack. Realizing that it was he himself who had coughed, I frantically began shoving things back into the wallet. Heart beating faster, I fumbled around clumsily and finally managed to get everything in. I snapped the wallet closed and stood straight, feeling my heart thump horribly against my chest. His eyes cracked open and he immediately took the glass of water. Only, he spilled most of it on himself instead of drinking it and barely noticed.

"I'll go get you another one." My voice shook and I stumbled through the simple sentence, then began to walk away quickly. I had no intentions of getting this man some more water, or going anywhere near that table again.

I needed to go someplace quiet. Suddenly my head was throbbing and it was hard to breathe. I made my way to the back area, all the way feeling like I should look over my shoulder to see if someone was watching me. Relief washed over me once I'd gotten away from the chaos. Now I just needed to sit down. My feet were killing me.

I didn't really want to go to Shu's office; I didn't feel like explaining right away. An office down the hall is usually empty, so I headed in that direction. Luckily a room even closer was empty, so I went inside and sat down. I placed my head in my hands and sat there for what felt like hours, but was really only a couple of minutes.

When I went back out, I knew I had to go back to that table. Luckily when I did, the man was unconscious again. After many moments' hesitation, I tentatively sat down across from him.

I took the wallet from where it lay on the table and opened it quietly, unfolding the different sections and studying the contents more thoroughly. I stared at the pieces of identification and information and let out a soft, shaky breath that I'd been holding. I slipped a hand into my pocket and pulled out the crinkled bill, folding it and placing it in the wallet.

Being as silent and still as I could, I went through the whole wallet. I must've been there for quite a few minutes. I felt numb. I just wanted to go home and lay down. If I wanted to move, I wouldn't have been able to. My mind was somewhere else.

I pulled out the driver's license and just looked at it, almost studying every detail. I looked at the man in front of me, comparing him to the picture. There were few differences, like hair length, but aside from that they were identical. My eyes moved away from the picture and trailed over to the information on the card.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

I jumped, startled, and dropped the wallet. It fell beside me onto the seat. I looked up to see Takechi.

"N-nothing." I resisted the urge to wipe my hot palms on my pants.

Takechi looked a bit skeptical, but shrugged and let it slide. I realized he must've not seen the wallet.

"Shu says he got a hold of a few people and they're coming right away, so we can leave. I think I'll stay until it starts clearing out a bit, but you should head home. You look tired."

I nodded absently, but didn't move. My brain wasn't sending any signals to my body.

Takechi waited for a moment, then prompted me. "Baby? You gonna go home?"

"Right. Yeah." I forced myself to stand.

Takechi reached into his pocket. "Here, take my spare key." He retrieved it and handed it to me. "I just thought since we didn't get much time together earlier..."

I nodded. "See you soon."

We parted with a kiss. I gathered my things from the back area, then set off to the bus stop.

Unfortunately or fortunately-I'm not quite sure which one-a car pulled up alongside me and honked.

I turned to look and stiffened. Just who I wanted to see: Taichi. I reluctantly stopped and folded my arms, facing the car. He rolled down the window.

"Want a ride?"

"Not from you," I replied airily.

"Listen, I realize it wasn't your fault... the whole Daisuke thing, I mean. I just sort of freaked out. Can we talk?"

"I have to go somewhere."

"Where?"

"Does it matter?"

Taichi didn't answer. He looked ahead of him for a moment, then turned back to me.

"Get in."

It **was** pretty cold... but I wasn't going to let him order me around.

"No."

Tai stared straight ahead, like he didn't have a care in the world.

"Alright." He began to roll up the window.

Muttering a few obscene phrases, I opened the car door and got in, slamming it behind me. I crossed my arms and blankly stared through the windshield, trying to ignore the look I knew I was getting from Tai. I could just picture his smirk.

"Changed your mind?"

"Shut the fuck up and drive."

Tai began driving, but after a few minutes of silence he spoke.

"Where am I driving you? You said you had to go somewhere."

"I do. My boyfriend's house." I made a specific point of saying "my boyfriend" instead of "Takechi".

Tai paused. I had to stop myself from smiling triumphantly He looked like he was going to say something, but then there was another gap of silence. Eventually he spoke again.

"So where's he live?"

I told him, and the drive there was pretty much quiet. We only said a few words to each other, and that was just because he didn't know exactly where he was going. I don't know if we said anything else to each other until he pulled up in front of Takechi's building.

I didn't get out right away. The whole thing sort of reminded me of when I'd first met him. After a moment, Tai looked at me.

"Want me to walk you up?"

I shook my head and opened the door. "Bye."

I was about to get out, but Tai took hold of my arm. I turned back to him. He hesitated, then leaned forward and gave me a little kiss on the cheek.

"Answer your phone when I call you."

"We'll see." I tugged my arm from Tai's grasp, got out, and pushed the car door closed. I managed to make it into my building without looking back once.

This was just how I wanted it. Everyone under my control, not the other way around. I had Tai wrapped around my finger, and Takechi had always been somewhat easy for me to control. There had never been any real resistance from him. But having power over Tai was like some sort of victory. He was just as stubborn as I was, but I'd finally broken through the barrier.

I entered Takechi's apartment and locked the door, then put the keys in my jacket pocket. As I did so, my fingers brushed the other object in my pocket. I stood still for a few moments, then removed my hand and went to Takechi's room. I put my things down and changed into more comfortable clothes, then tried to just relax.

I couldn't relax. Not when I thought about what I'd discovered. I got up and walked to the front hall closet, taking the item out of my jacket pocket. I inspected it as I walked back to Takechi's room and sat on the bed. Then I pulled out an item from my bag, buried deep under everything else, one that was always in it. I unfolded the paper and placed it beside the other item. They matched, just like I'd known they would.

I heard the front door open. Obviously Takechi had left very soon after I had. About a minute after I'd heard the door close, he came to the doorway.

"What're you doing, baby?"

I didn't answer, just looked back at the two items. Takechi came into the room and sat next to me, putting an arm around me. He kissed me on the cheek and looked at the two things in front of me.

"What are those?"

"A license and a birth certificate."

"I can see that, baby. But who's are they?"

I looked Takechi in the eye and ignored the sudden ball in my throat. My voice came out sounding weaker than I intended.

"My dad's."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**


	8. Bittersweet Migraine

**A/N:** I'd like to do a little promoting here... once you're finished reading this chapter, go read 'Last Impressions' by CrimsonAnjel and 'Because of You' by hikkix2. Sound good? Good.

Oh, and for clarity? There's a little flaw... before, Tai lived with his friends. By the time Dai went to live with him, Tai got his own apartment.

And another flaw... Yamato had a one-bedroom apartment before, but by the time he invites Takeru to live with him, it's a two-bedroom.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Digimon, Yama, Tai, Daisuke, etc. You get the drift.

**Novocain**  
**Bittersweet Migraine in my Head**  
by: nEo-cHaN

Takechi looked confused beyond belief. "Your dad's? How did you...?"

I smoothed out the paper in front of me, still studying it. "When I was younger, after I found out the truth about my dad, my mom gave me his birth certificate. I don't know how she got it or why she had it, but she gave it to me. That was pretty much the only thing I was ever grateful to her for. Even though I knew my dad couldn't be that great of a person, I still wanted to know who he was, y'know? I never thought I'd really find him..." I shook my head.

"Find him? You found your father?"

"Where do you think I got the license from?"

"But... how? When?"

"You know that guy at the bar, when you came to get me?"

Takechi's eyes widened. "That was your father!"

I nodded.

"Whoa." Takechi shook his head. "You must be... whoa."

"I didn't know what to do," I admitted. "And he was completely drunk, so he had no clue that it was me... of course, I don't even know if he knows he's got a kid." I ran a hand over my face. "He was hitting on me and being the biggest asshole... and then his wallet, he took it out and things just spilled... and then I found this." I tapped the driver's license. "Not to mention a whole bunch of other ID."

There was silence for a few moments. Then Takechi spoke. "Do you want to see him?"

I hesitated, playing with the card. "...I don't know. I've sort of wanted to see him my whole life, you know? But now..." I sighed. "I don't know."

"Well, you've got his driver's license." Takechi pointed out. "He'll probably need that."

"What am I supposed to do, just show up at his door? Besides... why should I even bother giving it back? Sure, he needs it, but what has he ever done for me? What do I owe him? It's his fault I was born. And if I wasn't born, I wouldn't have this screwed-up life."

Takechi wrapped his arms around me and we sat in complete silence for a minute or two. Then he spoke again.

"Baby... do you want to see him?"

I bit my lip. "...yeah."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

On Sunday afternoon, Takechi and I headed out to get it over with. The ride to my father's place was completely silent. I spent the time staring at his driver's license and telling myself that I had to do this. If I just turned around and ent home, I'd regret it. This was it.

"We're here, baby."

Takechi had stopped in front of an old building. I stared at it for a moment, then forced myself to open the door and get out. Takechi took my hand and squeezed it, and we walked inside.

By the time we were approaching his door, nervousness had taken over me.

"Maybe I shouldn't do this," I said worriedly. "I mean, maybe I should just forget about all of this and-"

"Yamato, you know you'll never forget about this. And you'll think about it even more if you don't do this. Come on." Takechi gave me a little push. "Knock."

I knocked three times before I could lose whatever nerve I had left. Footsteps came from inside and I wanted to run, but my feet were glued to the floor. The door swung open and the strong scent of smoke emerged. I coughed and took a step backwards.

Red-rimmed eyes looked at me curiously. Yellowed fingers clutched a cigarette, which explained the smoke. A frowning mouth opened and a dry, tired voice came out.

"Can I help you?"

It was him, alright. It was definitely him. His face matched the license. His long dirty blonde and brown hair didn't match the shorter style he'd had in the picture and neither did the rough unshaven look, but everything else did. He lifted the cigarette to his lips and took a drag. His lips were dry and cracked, and he looked like he'd just finished smoking a dozen cigarettes- which he probably had. His ears were pierced and he had small hoops in them, and I could see a tattoo on his shoulder. He was wearing a black shirt with no sleeves-no doubt he'd cut them off himself-and very ripped up, faded jeans. The shirt had some writing on it that I couldn't read and a cracked, distorted logo.

"Can I help you?" he repeated, and I realized I'd been staring like an idiot.

"Oh-I-uh..." I held out his driver's license. "Here, I... you left it. At the bar. Last night. You, um... you were-"

"Thanks," he cut me off. He took the license and began to shut the door.

"Wait!" I found myself calling.

He opened the door again. "What?"

"I..." Swallowing, I pulled a piece of folded paper out of my pocket and held it out. "I think you should see this."

He looked at me suspiciously, but took the paper and unfolded it. When he read it, he narrowed his eyes and his voice took on a rougher tone.

"Where'd you get this?"

I tried to keep my voice steady, which wasn't easy.

"I'm your son."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

I sat on the worn-out couch, hands folded in my lap. I'd had to pull out my own birth certificate-which I'd luckily thought to bring-and repeat many times the story I was told by my mother, but finally Takechi and I were seated inside of the apartment. My father's apartment. My real father.

He went by Michael and Kevin-his first and middle names-and insisted that I call him one of those. I don't think he really wanted to be reminded that he was a father. Anyway, Michael sat down on a chair across from me which looked like it was about to collapse. Actually, almost everything in the apartment looked that way. The paint on the walls was chipped, wallpaper was peeling in the places that had some, and I was almost afraid that the floor was going to fall through. Nails were sticking out of the walls in some places, and the whole place reeked of smoke and booze. It made sense; there was a bottle of vodka on the table in front of me and Michael still had a cigarette in his mouth. Somehow I got the idea that he didn't have a very fulfilling job... or life, for that matter.

"A son," Michael mused. "A son, huh? How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"Seventeen..." He eyed me, making me shift uncomfortably. "And what'd you say your mother's name was?"

"Cathy. Catherine. That's what she went by at the time, I think."

"Huh." Michael crushed his cigarette on the ground and lit up another one. "Tell me your name again?"

"Yamato." My voice took a slight irritated tone.

"Yamato..." Michael pondered for a moment. "Rings a bell." He squinted at me. "You do have my eyes." He took another drag on his cigarette. "...and maybe my hair." He took a look at my birth certificate and shook his head. "And my last name. Don't know why your mother'd do that if she really was a one-night stand."

"She didn't want me. She separated me from her in any way possible. I guess that includes giving me your last name instead of hers."

"You live alone?" Michael asked me.

I nodded, not bothering to get into the details.

"Seventeen, you said? Huh." Michael looked at Takechi suspiciously. "And who's this?"

"My... friend. He's my friend. Takechi."

Michael snorted. "Boyfriend?"

I felt heat in my cheeks and looked down. Michael laughed.

"Don't worry, I've been with a few myself."

That was a bit too much information. I tried to push the thought out of my head and asked him a question.

"So you don't remember her at all? My mom, I mean?"

"Vaguely. She was a good one-nighter, that's all I can say."

More information that I hadn't needed.

"I'm not father material," Michael said. He blew a puff of smoke in my direction and his eyes fixed on me briefly. "Sorry, kid."

My eyes burned, and not just from the smoke. I stood up stiffly and Takechi followed my actions.

Michael stood up also. "You leaving?"

"Yes," I said crisply. "Thank you."

I guess I was thanking him for confirming my suspicions; that my dad was just an idiot who'd slept with a thousand girls and didn't give a shit about any of them. A guy who's life was smoking, drinking, and having sex. Just what I'd thought. But at least before, I could think that maybe I was wrong. Now there was no doubt.

"See you around, kid," Michael said as I walked out the door. "Have a nice life."

And those were the only "words of wisdom" I ever received from my father.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Takechi locked the front door for me as I went to sit on the couch. He followed after a moment, sitting down beside me and squeezing my shoulders.

"Baby, you okay?"

"No," I said bitterly.

Takechi kissed my cheek. "I know that's not particularly what you thought it would be, but-"

"You're wrong. It's **exactly** what I thought it would be." I stood up. "That's the problem. Y'know, for a little while I thought maybe I was just being judgmental, that maybe he was a good person and that we were all wrong. I thought maybe he'd care about having a son and would want to be **involved** somewhat in my life! I thought maybe I'd be more than just someone with the same last name to him!"

"Baby, I-"

"I don't think I can do this," I said abruptly.

Takechi blinked. "What?"

"I can't do this anymore. It's not fair to you."

"What are you talking about?"

I barely even knew what I was talking about. "We can't be like this. I'm too confused right now. I've got all this, and then all the other stuff, and... I just can't do this."

"...are you breaking up with me?" Takechi looked like I'd just punched him.

I sighed. "Yes."

There was a silence in which I wondered what the hell I was doing. Deep down, I knew it was the right thing. I needed my space. I needed to be able to just kiss someone without worrying about not being faithful. It wasn't fair to Takechi that when I kissed him, he wasn't the only one I was thinking of.

"You're... you're just confused right now," Takechi tried weakly to convince me. "You don't know what you're doing-"

"Yes I do. We never should've gotten back together."

Takechi opened his mouth, then closed it. He looked extremely hurt. For the first time, he left without saying anything. He just turned around and walked out the door.

I felt terrible. But I also felt relieved. Sure, I loved Takechi. Sure, he was an amazing guy. But I needed someone more... challenging. Someone who didn't agree with everything I said, someone who argued with me and had the guts to walk out on me. Someone like-though I hated to admit it-Taichi.

But for now I needed some advice. Or at least some comfort. I couldn't even recall half of the things that had happened in the past few days. I needed someone who was a good listener, gave good advice, and didn't mind if I had a nervous breakdown.

About half an hour later, I poked my head into Shu's office.

"Hi."

Shu looked up from some papers on his desk.

"Hey, beautiful. What brings you here?"

"Stuff." I walked over and sat myself down on his lap.

"Like what?"

"Stuff," I repeated.

"You're going to have to be a bit more specific than that."

"I met my dad."

Shu's eyebrows shot up. "What?"

"He was at the bar last night. I took his driver's license and gave it back to him today. He's a bastard. I don't I'll ever see him again, and I'm glad."

Shu opened his mouth, but I didn't give him a chance to speak. I pressed my lips to his, kissing him deeply and sliding my tongue into his mouth. Shu responded, but after a moment he pulled away.

"Hold on... aren't you with Takechi?"

"We broke up."

"Yamato, you can't just switch boyfriends every day!"

"That's why I'm stopping now." I brought Shu into another kiss. It occurred to me that we hadn't done anything like that in awhile, probably because of everything with Takechi and Tai. It felt so good to be able to kiss Shu and be guilt-free.

I think Shu missed it somewhat too, because he didn't resist even when my hands started wandering. Of course, his own hands weren't exactly staying still. I moved my hands to the front of his pants and began to undo them.

Shu broke the kiss, his conscience getting the best of him. "Beautiful, I don't think-"

"You know," I cut in, "the last time this happened, Tsuruki walked in."

There was dead silence. Then Shu spoke, sounding pained.

"Yamato..."

I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. Shu sighed and hugged me tightly, rocking me back and forth. Why had I brought that up? What was wrong with me?

"Shh... baby, what is it? What's wrong? I know these tears aren't just for Tsuruki."

"I don't have a family," I sobbed. "Even my own father doesn't care about me! I thought he could be the one, you know? The one family member that maybe would **want** me... but he doesn't! And Takechi... God, I'm a horrible person... I just keep doing this to him, and he doesn't deserve it, and... and it's not fair! Why can't I just be perfect!"

"Oh, Yamato," Shu murmured, "nobody's perfect. If you were perfect, I don't think I'd love you as much."

"How can you love me? What is there to love?"

"Lots of things, beautiful." Shu kissed my cheek. "So what if you're not perfect? Everyone's human, everyone makes mistakes and doesn't know what to do, everyone hurts someone at one point or another. You're not alone."

"My life is such a mess... Shu, what am I supposed to do?"

Shu sighed. "I don't know, baby. I don't know."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

It felt good to just have a nice cry in Shu's arms. I'd missed the feeling. I didn't know why I'd stopped doing it in the first place, but I wasn't going to stop again; boyfriend or not. I didn't classify what I did with Shu as cheating anyway, because it wasn't. It was just how we expressed ourselves to each other.

It rained all day Monday and partially on Tuesday. I had both days off of work, but on Monday I went in anyway and on Tuesday I planned to visit. But something-or someone, I should say-came up.

Tai had called several times since I'd seen him on Saturday, and I hadn't answered. It was just another way of keeping him under my control. I'd thought about going to see him when I broke up with Takechi, but had resisted. It didn't really matter, because he came to my door Tuesday evening.

I was just about to call Shu and tell him I was coming to the studio when there was a knock at the door. Wondering who it could be, I went to answer the door. When I opened it I stared for a moment.

Tai offered a smile. "Hey."

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to visit?"

I stepped aside to let him in and closed the door behind him. "I wasn't expecting anyone."

"Looks to me like you were," Tai said, raising an eyebrow at my outfit.

I rolled my eyes. "I was about to go to the studio."

Tai nodded. "Oh... so, why didn't you answer any of my calls?"

"I didn't feel like it."

"You are so..." Tai shook his head.

"So what do you want?" I asked. I got the feeling that I wouldn't be going to the studio that night.

"Nothing, I just wanna hang out. Do you have to work?"

"No," I admitted.

"Good." Tai sat down on the living room couch.

I reluctantly headed for my room. All that work fixing myself up to go to the studio, and now I wasn't even leaving the house. "I'll go change."

"You don't have to," Tai said. "That is, if you can sit comfortably in those pants."

I really didn't feel like changing, so I went back into the living room and sat down beside Tai. He eyed me.

"On second thought, those pants don't leave much to the imagination. I can't guarantee control of my hands."

I shrugged. "Whatever."

"What about your boyfriend?"

"We broke up."

Tai furrowed his brow. "When?"

A smile tugged at my lips. It was kind of funny when I thought about it. "The day after you and I broke up."

Tai shook his head and laughed in disbelief. "Can't make up your mind, huh?"

"You could say that." I deliberately moved my leg so it rubbed against Tai's. He pretended not to notice, but I saw him twitch slightly.

I looked out the window. "It's still raining."

"Yeah. It's actually freezing rain. My car almost spun out of control on the road; it's really slippery."

"I'm surprised you didn't get into an accident, with the way you drive."

"Hey, I'm a good driver!"

I snorted. "Yeah, okay."

"I just like to get where I'm going fast and without delays."

"...so you ignore the stop signs, drive double the speed limit, and create your own stoplights."

"Hey, it works."

Tai's actually not a bad driver... only when he's in a hurry. Plus I think he's more careful with me in the car.

I "casually" stretched out, draping my leg across Tai's lap. This time I got a response; Tai let his hand rest on my leg. As the moments ticked by, it slowly crept up to my thigh. My attention was completely focused on the placement of his hand.

Minutes passed. We kept up some conversation, but the whole while I was getting more and more frustrated. How could Tai sit there with his hand like that and not want to touch me!

"Do you really think these pants are too tight?" I asked him. I really didn't care, but obviously I needed to steer his train of thought in the right direction.

Tai's eyes went directly to my crotch. "Yes."

"I've got tighter ones."

"How the hell do you get them on!"

"Talent. But honestly, are these too tight to walk the street in?"

I was pretty sure Tai knew by now what I was doing. "I don't know... turn around?"

I got to my knees and turned. I could practically feel Tai staring at my ass. His arms wrapped around me a second later, tugging my shirt up. I co-operated with him and he tossed my shirt on the floor, then moved to undo my pants.

I leaned my head back on Tai's shoulder, moaning when he took hold of my member. Tai kissed my neck, then sucked the skin and bit it gently. I could feel him hardening against me from behind and pushed my hips back. Our clothes needed to go.

Tai groaned and began to slide my pants off. It was a bit of a challenge since they were so tight, but he managed. I wasn't wearing anything underneath, and he chuckled.

"Did you plan this?"

"No, but I should've."

Tai removed his own clothes, then turned me around and kissed me deeply. I put my arms around him and pressed my body to his, making him moan into my mouth. Tai's lips left mine and he travelled down, kissing his way from my neck to my pelvic area, where he stopped and put his mouth around my cock.

"Tai," I moaned, burying my fingers in his hair. I thrusted forward and Tai accepted my whole length into his mouth. I'd never had anyone deep throat me before that, and people told me I was missing out big time. They were right.

I was dangerously close to coming when Tai released my member from his mouth. I was about to protest but then he grabbed me and began carrying me to my room. When we got there he threw me on the bed and pounced on top of me, our lips colliding heatedly. Tai's finger plunged into me from behind, stretching me out. He added two more fingers, then hesitated slightly before adding a fourth. I jerked with that last finger, and he broke the kiss we were engaged in to give me a crooked grin.

"Just wanted to see how many I could fit in before it got to you."

I opened my mouth to say something like "idiot" but he didn't let me speak, covering my mouth with his own. Tai removed his fingers and lifted me from my laying position.

"Get on your hands and knees," he ordered me. I did, and felt Tai's skin press against mine a second later. He kissed my back.

"You ready?"

I nodded, and Tai slammed into me. The bed moved with the action and my mouth opened but no sound came out. Tai repeatedly pulled out and pushed in, making my mind burst with pleasure. Tai reached one hand around and explored between my legs as he fucked me, which just made everything even more crazy. Before long I climaxed, having one of the best orgasms of my life. Tai came shortly after, leaving his mark inside of me. Afterwards we laid under the covers of my bed, recovering.

"Holy shit," I breathed. "I think you just set a new record for best sex."

Tai grinned. "Then you should be on that record as best partner in sex."

"You're fucking insane." I slung my leg over Tai's hip and kissed him.

Tai rested his hand on my ass, giving me a little pat. "You provoke me with all your hot little moans and all. Everything about you screams 'fuck me!' Your ass is always begging for me to shove my dick in there."

"Feel free to shove your dick up my ass any time." I shifted to a more comfortable position. "And, by the way, you're really fucking good with your mouth."

"I aim to please."

"Then you have really good aim." I paused. "You can take that however you'd like."

Tai laughed, then we laid in silence for a while. I had my head resting on Tai's chest and was drifting off to sleep as he stroked my hair when the phone rang. I groaned and didn't budge from my spot. Tai reached over to grab the phone, trying not to disturb me.

"Hello? ..yeah, just a second." Tai placed a hand on my shoulder, massaging lightly. "Baby, Shu's on the phone."

Sighing heavily, I propped myself up on Tai's chest with my arm and took the phone. "Hello?" I murmured.

"That was Tai, wasn't it?"

"Mm-hm. What'd you call for?"

"I just thought it was unlike you to not come in. Now I know why."

"Yeah. Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"You keeping him over for the night?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow, then."

"Kay." I handed the phone to Tai and he hung it up.

"What did he want?" Tai asked me.

"Nothing." I pulled myself to more of a sitting position, leaning forward on my knees. "Are you gonna stay with me tonight?"

"If you want." Tai sat up also.

"But do you want to?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?" Tai took my hand and tugged on it.

"Just making sure." I crawled over to him and leaned against his side, resting my head on his shoulder.

We stayed in that position until Tai noticed me shiver. He ran his hand along the goosebumps on my arm.

"You cold?"

"Kind of."

Tai moved to get out of the bed and I grabbed his wrist.

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere, don't worry. I'm just getting you a shirt." Tai went through my drawers and found a loose t-shirt. He got back onto the bed and helped me pull it over my head.

"Better?" he inquired, resuming his previous position.

"Yes," I said, cuddling up to him. I pulled the covers up further, getting warm and cozy. Tai kissed me on the forehead and gave my shoulders a squeeze. A smile on my face, I felt sleep begin to take over me.

When I woke up, Tai was asleep. Somehow we'd ended up in a laying position with our limbs tangled together. I tightened my arms, which were around Tai's waist, and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Tai mumbled something and opened his eyes slowly. He gave me a lazy smile.

"Hey, baby."

"Hey." My voice came out unusually soft.

"Have a nice nap?"

"Mm-hm."

"Me too." He kissed me.

It was the first time I'd felt so completely open with Tai. Maybe it was because I didn't feel the pressure of having to say 'I love you'. I'd never let Tai see such a vulnerable side of me before. I was letting him dominate me entirely, not protesting to any sort of affection or insisting on doing anything myself. It felt really good.

Tai smiled at me, passing a hand through my hair. "You're... something. I don't know what to call you. I'd have to combine a thousand different words. Adorable and beautiful are coming to mind right now."

"Tell me when you come up with the word."

Tai chuckled. "I think saying your name pretty much sums it up. There's no other description for you other than saying that you're just... you."

"I'm me," I mused. "Sounds simple enough."

"Simple, my ass. You're so complicated I don't know where to begin."

"Nah, it's not that hard to figure me out. You've done it."

Tai raised an eyebrow. "Have I? I've conquered the great Yamato Ishida?"

"That, you have." I grinned.

"Do I get some sort of medal?"

"Well, you get ownership of my ass."

Tai laughed. "So your ass belongs to me?"

"Exactly."

"Sounds good." Tai grinned.

We'd been laying there for a good five minutes when Tai spoke again.

"Baby, your cat is staring at me."

I nearly burst into laughter. Instead I raised an amused eyebrow at Tai, my smile threatening to turn into laughter.

"You're kidding."

"It's creeping me out!"

I looked in the direction of Tai's gaze and saw Shinigami sitting in the doorway. With a little giggle, I wrapped my arms around Tai and gave him a kiss.

"Are you honestly bothered by that?"

"Yes."

I pouted. "I don't wanna get up."

"You don't have to, just... tell it to go away or something!"

"Would you feel better if we re-named them?"

"...probably not."

It was hilarious, but kind of cute at the same time. I couldn't believe Tai was really afraid of my cats.

Tai suddenly twitched. "It's coming towards the bed."

I couldn't help it; I started laughing. Tai looked at me frantically.

"I'm not kidding!" he exclaimed.

"Don't worry," I said, still laughing. I got up and climbed over Tai, getting off the bed and picking Shinigami up. He meowed a complaint at me.

"Yeah, I know, but you're scaring Tai." I placed Shinigami in the hallway and re-entered my room, shutting the door. I got back onto the bed, laying down on top of Tai.

"Better?"

"Yes." He kissed me.

"You're gonna have to get used to them sometime, you know."

"Well, it doesn't have to be right now."

"You are such a big suck."

Tai raised his eyebrow suggestively, and I actually felt myself blush a bit.

"Oh shut up, I didn't mean it that way and you know it. Pervert."

Tai grinned. "It seemed to me like you were enjoying what a 'suck' I could be earlier."

I rolled off of Tai, heat in my face. "Shut up."

He laughed and pressed a kiss to my lips, then put his arms around me and pulled me close to him. I got comfortable and closed my eyes, ready to fall asleep again. I did, but was awaken a short time later by Tai moving.

He was reaching over to get the phone, and when he noticed he'd woken me up he smiled apologetically.

"Sorry, baby. I forgot that I should call Dai, let him know I'm gonna be over here."

I nodded and gave a little hum of approval, then cuddled back up to Tai. He dialed his own number and waited.

"Hey, Dai?" Tai kept his voice low so he wouldn't disturb me so much. "Yeah, I'm at Yamato's... I'm gonna stay here for the night, okay?... you sure you'll be okay?... alright. See you tomorrow. Bye."

Tai pressed the 'off' button and placed the phone on my dresser. He gave me a kiss on the forehead.

"Goodnight, Yama," he said softly.

I was just barely awake. I don't think Tai actually thought I would reply, but I did.

"Night," I mumbled, then let sleep take me.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

I had the best sleep that night than I'd had in awhile. When I woke up Wednesday morning, I didn't want to get up. We laid there for a long while before Tai finally convinced me out of bed. We showered together-we both knew it would lead to some sort of sexual act, and of course it did-then sat down and ate. I had toast and coffee, which Tai declared was "a snack, not a meal". Maybe so, but it was enough for me.

I came across the clothes we'd carelessly shed the night before in the living room and made sure to remove them from the room, just in case. You never know when you'll have someone over, and I didn't particularly want to be questioned about why there were clothes tossed everywhere. If anyone from work saw, they'd never stop teasing me about it.

Tai and I went to his place in the afternoon. He didn't call beforehand, and we got quite a surprise when we entered the apartment.

"Dai, I'm-" Tai stopped short and stared. I peeked over his shoulder and nearly burst into laughter.

There on the couch was Daisuke. With a blonde-haired boy in his arms. Both were half-dressed.

I found it rather amusing, but obviously Tai didn't. Once he snapped out of his stupor, he went sort of ballistic.

"What the hell? Who the hell is this? What the fuck are you doing? What gave you the idea to...!"

Dai hurriedly pulled on his shirt, and the other boy did as well. Daisuke opened his mouth to speak, but didn't get a chance.

"You-I-what-" Tai gave a little frustrated growl. Daisuke looked extremely worried, and I put a hand on Tai's arm.

"Tai, calm down."

"Calm down? How can I calm down! I thought he'd be here alone, being the innocent kid that he is-which obviously he isn't-and I come home and find **this**!"

"Tai, you're being a jerk." My voice was more firm now.

Tai barely spared me a glance. "Not now, okay? Daisuke, I can't believe you would betray my trust like this!"

"He didn't betray your trust!" I exclaimed. "Did you ever tell him that he couldn't have guys over here!"

"I'm talking to Daisuke, not you!"

I set my jaw and folded my arms. "Fine."

Tai seemed to realize I wasn't too happy. "No, I didn't mean-"

"Tai?" Daisuke spoke up timidly. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't think-"

"No, you didn't." Tai cut him off. I shot him a look.

Daisuke looked like he didn't know whether to speak or not. I slapped Tai hard on the shoulder-"What?", he complained-and nodded at Daisuke.

"Go on."

"Okay... I just didn't think you'd be so upset, I guess."

"Not upset that you and some guy are here alone slowly making their way to sex!"

Daisuke's face went red. "We weren't-"

"Oh, don't give me that! I know all about it, okay?"

"Tai, honestly," I said, "what's the huge deal?"

"What's the huge deal!" Tai looked at me like I was crazy. "They shouldn't be doing any of that stuff! They're **fourteen**!"

I raised an eyebrow, and I could tell that Tai had realized his mistake. He waited for me to say something to him, but I didn't. I turned to Dai.

"Dai, just don't sneak around. You could've told Tai that you had a boyfriend... or whatever."

Daisuke nodded. "I just... I don't know."

"I guess it's not that bad," Tai grudgingly admitted. "You could've been... in the bedroom..."

"So all's well," I said before Tai could go into subjects I knew Dai wouldn't want to discuss. "Now, Dai, who's your friend here?"

"He's my boyfriend," Daisuke said quite shyly.

"Since when?" I inquired.

"A week ago."

"Cute. And what's your name?" I asked the blonde.

"Takeru," he responded tentatively. I guess he was still intimidated by Tai.

Wait. **Takeru?**

They all must've thought I was stupid, because I just stood there and stared. Takeru looked a bit nervous.

"Um...?" He shifted uncomfortably.

"Holy... fuck, you're kidding." I laughed in disbelief. "Holy shit. It's a fucking tiny world."

Tai was looking at me in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Takeru. Takeru Takaishi. He's my fucking brother!"

Tai nearly choked on... air, I guess. "What!"

Daisuke looked surprised too, and Takeru looked shocked yet unsure.

"...Yamato?"

"That's me." I stared at him in awe. "Shit, you've grown."

"You too... I can't believe..." Takeru shook his head.

There was silence and stillness, then I went over to the couch and grabbed Takeru in a hug. He hugged me back tightly. When we let go, I grinned.

"Wow. Great to see you again, TK."

TK. That had always been my little pet name for him. It brought back memories... but only the good ones.

"You too! This is... wow. I can't believe it. You just... left..."

"I don't want to talk about it," I said abruptly. The past was determined to dig itself up lately, wasn't it? What with me finding my real father, finding Takeru... what was next?

Takeru nodded and let it go.

"Well," Tai said, "I feel a bit better now. You can't be that bad if you're related to Yama."

I smirked. "Obviously you're not considering certain other aspects. If he's like me and Dai's like you..."

Tai caught on and shoved me. I laughed and he glared, then pointed a finger at Daisuke and TK.

"If I ever catch you two doing inappropriate things before you're twenty..."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Fifteen."

"Are you kidding? Eighteen."

"Sixteen."

"Nineteen."

"Seventeen."

"This isn't a negotiation! ...Eighteen."

"Sixteen it is."

Tai glared at me. Daisuke and Takeru laughed.

"Seventeen," Tai said. "And that's final."

"Fine." I turned to the two younger boys. "And this is an example of manipulation."

"You're such a little..." Tai shook his head.

"And remember," I added, "he only said he doesn't want to **catch** you doing these things before you're seventeen. Which means you've just got to do it in private."

"Yama!" Tai swatted me on the shoulder.

I shrugged. "Well, they're gonna do it anyway."

He glared at me. I smiled innocently and pressed a kiss to his lips.

I'd planned to stay at Tai's for a bit, but I wanted to catch up with TK. So we left Tai's place and decided to go to mine. Tai drove us-he wouldn't let us walk.

TK and I entered my apartment and I locked the door behind us. Almost instantly, Takai came up and started rubbing against TK's legs.

TK laughed and bent down. "You've got a cat?"

"Two. That one's named Takai, the other's Shinigami."

"Any particular reason you chose those names?"

I shrugged. "They sounded good."

I showed TK around the apartment, which took about a minute or two, then we sat down in the living room with drinks.

"I ran away."

I blinked. "What?"

"I ran away from home." TK met my eyes. "They wanted me to be perfect. I had so much pressure on me to have the best marks and participate in all this stuff and become some great piano player like mom wanted me to... I hated it. They stifled me so much... I couldn't be **me**."

I was mildly surprised. It made sense, but still. "But you could've been anyone and they would've loved you so much. You were the child they always wanted."

"Well, I hated it. I couldn't deal with it. So I came here."

"When did you come here?" I asked. "Who are you staying with? How did you-"

"Two weeks ago," TK cut me off. "I've been staying at this place down the street... it's the only place I had enough money to rent out a room at. As for how, probably the same way you did. At first I didn't want to be so drastic, I was just going to stay with my friend for awhile... but I'm glad I made the decision final. I wouldn't have found you otherwise."

"Yeah..." I shook my head. "Wow. Guess it runs in the family. So how much money do you have left?"

"Not much. Actually, I'm just about to run out." TK laughed. "Dai's been loaning me money. We met the first day I got here. I've got to call it fate. Then, well..." He shrugged. "I've never been with a guy before, but something about Dai just drew me to him."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. So, I'll get Tai to drive us to wherever you're staying and we'll bring your stuff over here."

"Thanks."

I waved my hand in dismissal. "We're brothers."

We sat in silence for a moment, then TK popped the question I knew was coming.

"So... why did you run away?"

I didn't answer at first. Then I put down my glass and prepared for a long story.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX**

Needless to say, TK was extremely shocked at my reasons for leaving. And to my own surprise, he told me that he'd caught his father cheating on our mother with a very young girl- possibly underage. He'd never mentioned it, though, and another time TK thought he heard things going on in his father's bedroom when he had a "friend" over but he'd just ignored it. Obviously now he knew he hadn't just been imagining things.

I told TK about my encounter with my real father. We came to the conclusion that we both had total assholes for fathers and that we were way better off on our own.

"It's good that you're with Dai," I said to TK once we got onto lighter subjects. "He's a good kid. Hot, too." I smirked.

TK looked at me warily. "Why do I get the idea that something happened between you two?"

I looked at TK in mock surprise. "Really, TK! Is that what you think of me?"

It was funny how well we knew each other already. We were getting along like we'd been together all those years. I didn't even remember getting along so well with him before I'd left. That was probably because I'd been too busy trying to avoid his father. But now we saw eye-to-eye on many situations and had a lot in common.

TK put down his drink. "Okay, what did you do to my boyfriend?"

"A handjob," I said bluntly. "He asked me to, and I did."

TK groaned. "Do you know how wrong that is? My older brother gave my boyfriend a handjob. I shudder at just the thought."

"Well, he's got you to take care of that now." I grinned.

"If Tai hears you say that, he'll kill you."

"I see you've gotten a decent first impression of Tai."

TK laughed. "I think so. He's really protective of Dai, isn't he?"

"Yup. He nearly strangled me when he found out about what Dai and I did."

"He knows?"

"Yeah. I didn't plan on him knowing, but he got it out of Dai. So we broke up, and now we're back together."

"How long have you and Tai known each other?"

I thought for a moment. "About a month."

"And already you've gotten together, broken up, and gotten back together?"

"Actually, that was in... less than a week, I'd say."

TK shook his head in disbelief. "You guys have problems."

I shrugged. "Sometimes I can stand him, sometimes I can't. Besides, there's this other guy... we used to date, and then he moved away and came back..."

"What's his name?"

"Takechi. He came back and we started going out, then I broke up with him to go out with Tai, then broke up with Tai because of the Daisuke thing, then got back with Takechi and now I'm with Tai again."

"I feel sorry for both of them."

"Yeah, it's kind of crazy now that I think about it. And when I compare them, they're so similar... some things about them are so alike it's crazy."

"Maybe that's why you're so attracted to them both."

"Probably. But Tai's got more of a personality. Takechi mostly just goes along with everything I say and do... Tai's a challenge."

"He's stubborn like Dai, isn't he?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Dai? Stubborn?"

"Oh yeah. He opens up around me. From what he's told me about Tai, he's a lot like him."

"But Dai's so... quiet. And shy."

TK laughed. "Yeah right! I guess we'll have to get him to open up around you guys."

"I guess sometimes different people bring out different qualities in you."

"I guess so."

TK and I talked for awhile longer-we were surprisingly very open with each other despite the time we'd spent apart-and then we walked over to Tai's. TK told us where he'd been staying and we went over there and moved his stuff to my place, then the four of us hung out.

Evening approached, and I had to get ready for work. We'd all stayed at my apartment after getting all of TK's stuff. He didn't have much; he'd explained that he didn't want the memories of what he was calling his "old life". I understood completely.

We were watching some movie that was on TV and making remarks every two minutes. I got up and Tai looked at me.

"Where you going?"

"I have to get ready."

"For what?" TK asked me, turning away from the TV.

"Work," I replied. "Which reminds me- Dai, did you quit?"

"Yes," Tai answered for him.

I rolled my eyes. "I should've known. Honestly, Tai, you can't run everyone's lives for them."

"I'm just preventing him from doing degrading things! You're next, you know."

"I'm not quitting my job."

"Why not?"

"Because! I **do** have to pay for things, you know."

"You could live with me."

I snorted. "You, me, TK, and Dai in one apartment."

"Yeah."

"Yeah right. Besides, I'm not just going to leave Shu stranded. He needs me."

"Someone's full of themselves."

"Shut up." I paused. "Tai, how the hell do you get so much money anyway? You don't work."

"My parents send me money. They were so glad to get me out of the house that they bought me my car and sent me off with enough money to rent an apartment. So me, Yoshi, and Fujio got a place. Now that I've got my own, my parents send me even more. They really don't want me coming back." Tai laughed.

"I can imagine how you'd drive them crazy," I said. "Anyway, I'm gonna go get dressed and stuff."

I left the living area and went to my bedroom to pick out clothes. I'd taken out some skintight black leather pants and a tight-fitting black button-up collared shirt when Tai walked in the room. He kicked the door shut, walked over to my bed, and sat down.

I looked at him. "Can I help you?"

Tai nodded. "Put on the clothes."

"Seeing as you're here, you can help me." I took off the pants I was wearing-and the underwear-and began to put on the other pants.

"Do you ever wear underwear to work?" Tai asked in disbelief.

"It's easier to dance without." I pulled Taichi up from the bed. "Help me put these on."

Tai helped me pull them up. "Could these pants be any tighter?"

"Probably not."

"How the hell do you dance in them? They're so restricting!"

"It takes skill." I pulled off my top and put on the black one. Tai began buttoning it up while shaking his head.

"I can't believe I'm letting you go out like this."

"Like what?"

"With those pants! I can just imagine the perverts that are gonna be looking at you and touching you!"

"You're one of them."

"Well, I'm allowed. They shouldn't be." Tai finished buttoning my shirt.

"Don't worry," I said with a roll of my eyes. I gave Tai a kiss.

"Need help with anything else?" he asked me, giving up on the previous topic.

"Yeah, fix my hair."

"It's fine."

"Fine isn't good enough."

"It is for me."

"Tai."

Tai fixed my hair for me. "Better?"

"Yes." I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, not letting go when the kiss was done. "Are the pants honestly that bad?"

"I have to force myself not to look too much or I'll throw you on the bed and rip them off of you."

"Can I wear them?"

Tai sighed. "Yes, you can wear them."

"Thank you." I planted another little kiss on his lips.

"I'm gonna call you in the morning. If you're not home I'll get suspicious."

I rolled my eyes. "I'll be home by three o'clock, at the latest."

"Then I'll call at three."

"Fine." I checked myself in the mirror and walked out into the hall.

"I'm going to work," I announced when I entered the living room. TK turned around and started coughing, nearly choking on the chips he was eating. Daisuke pounded him on his back and handed him a glass of water.

When TK had put the glass down, he stared at me. "What are you wearing!" he spluttered.

Tai gave me a smug look and I glared at him. Daisuke just laughed. TK continue to gape.

"It's for work," I explained simply.

TK shook his head. "I thought you said you were a dancer, not a stripper!"

Tai snorted. "That's what I thought too, at first."

I shoved him. "Shut up. What would a dancer be without tight clothes?"

"But those are..." TK searched for the words.

"Like a second skin?" Daisuke supplied.

"Yeah! How did you get them on!"

"With Tai's help," I replied nonchalantly. "Anyway, he's driving me to work. Behave yourselves." I winked.

"You too," Daisuke said with a laugh.

I narrowed my eyes at him playfully, then slipped on my shoes and grabbed my coat. Tai hesitated.

"...maybe we shouldn't leave them alone.."

"Oh, come on!" I grabbed Tai's arm and pulled him with me out the door. "Lock the door!" I called to them over my shoulder.

"Yama," Tai whined as I dragged him down the hall. "What if they **do** stuff!"

"Stop being paranoid."

"You said it yourself, they're gonna do it whether I keep threatening them or not!"

"Tai, us giving them privacy is like having them give us privacy. If we want them to respect our relationship, we have to respect theirs."

"Bullshit," Tai muttered, but dropped the subject.

Tai had his hand on my thigh for the first part of the drive but I had to move it before he started sexually harassing me. I couldn't get all worked up before going in.

No customers were in there, so I walked right up to the bar to say hi to some of the people-mostly Kazu.

"Hey, 'Mato," Kazu slid a glass over to me.

I drank the whole thing and gave him a nod. "Thanks."

"No prob. By the way, nice pants."

As if on cue, someone came up and slapped my ass. It was a fellow dancer, and I mock-glared at them as they walked away and laughed. I rolled my eyes at Kazu.

"Yeah, Taichi was freaking."

Kazu raised an eyebrow. "Back with that one again?"

"Yeah... the thing with me and Takechi was just... I don't know. Tai's something new and exciting. Besides, he's not scared to argue with me or anything like that. Takechi was too... soft." I shrugged. "But it's not official or anything. I refuse to label myself as someone's boyfriend until I'm totally sure of what I'm doing. I mean..." I grinned crookedly. "Takechi's still got his benefits, you know?"

Kazu laughed. "You're horrible. Is Tai better than him?"

"Maybe. God, he's fucking amazing." I shook my head. "I don't know. Honestly, I think Takechi should just be a really good friend of mine."

"I agree."

I jumped and turned to see Takechi standing behind me. My face turned bright red.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Just long enough to hear that last sentence of yours." Takechi gave me a playful suspicious look. "Why, what were you saying?"

"Nothing. So wait, you're not mad at me anymore?"

"No. I wasn't mad, just.. disappointed. Majorly. But I guess it's for the best, right? I know you like this Tai guy."

"Yeah... 'Kechi, I-"

"Don't worry." He smiled at me.

I couldn't help but smile back. I pulled Takechi down to my level and kissed him.

"You're the best."

"I still get kisses?" Takechi raised his eyebrows.

I laughed. "Just friendly kisses. Distributed throughout this whole place."

"Well, I'm glad. Anyway, I was actually just heading out of here." Takechi pinched my ass. "I don't know how you can wear these things, but we appreciate it." He gave me a wink and Kazu a nod, then walked out of the place.

My face was red, but I was laughing and shaking my head. I turned back to Kazu. "See? I can still maintain the same thing Takechi and I had before all this."

"Most people can't, but somehow you do manage to do this stuff. Oh, and you should go see Shu. I think he wanted to talk to you."

"Right. He was supposed to call me." I slid off the bar stool. "See you later, Kaz."

"Yup."

I went to the back area and straight to Shu's office. He was on the phone so I wandered around for a few minutes. There was music coming from the studio so I peeked in there and saw Tetsuya, a dancer, dancing with a younger kid. The kid looked maybe fifteen, sixteen. He had black hair with sort of a blue tint and looked sort of shy and quiet. I decided to ask Shu about it and went back to his office. Luckily he was off the phone.

"Who's the kid?" I asked, sitting on a chair.

"New dancer," Shu told me, leaning back in his own chair. "Daisuke quit."

"Yeah, he told me. So how old's that kid?"

"Fifteen." Shu was holding a pen, and he clicked it. "Name's Ken Ichijouji. He lives with his parents, but he wants to move out. So he's gaining the money now so that when he's sixteen he can leave."

"Makes sense. But how does he explain where he's going and all that stuff?"

"Tomiichi-you remember him? He quit because he settled down with someone?"

I nodded. "Yeah, what about him?"

"That's his cousin. By the way, he broke up with the guy. Ken's staying with him right now. His parents live on the other side of town. They're doing this as a trial; Tomiichi's fully willing to take Ken as a full responsibility. But Ken's parents aren't sure they want that."

"Yeah." I shook my head. "Wow, so many young kids getting away from home now. Oh, Shu, I didn't tell you- I found my brother!"

"What!"

"Yeah! He's Daisuke's new boyfriend!"

Shu laughed in disbelief. "That's crazy."

"I know! It's so great. We're getting along so well, and he's staying with me now. It's like everything's sort of falling together... and I know I just jinxed myself."

"Well, let's hope you didn't. That's pretty insane, finding your brother and father in less than a week."

"I know. Let's just hope there aren't any more surprises waiting for me; I'm not so sure the next one would be a good one."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

A/N: Foreshadowing? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'm tricking you. Maybe I have evil things in store. Anyway, R&R! Long chappie, I know.


	9. This Sensation's Overwhelming

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Digimon, Yama, Tai, Takeru, Ken, Daisuke, etc. That is merely a fantasy that I have.

**Novocain**  
**This Sensation's Overwhelming**  
by: nEo-cHaN

Thursday morning, I woke up in my bed naked and yet very warm. A sick feeling gathered in my stomach as I felt skin pressed against mine.

I was extremely relieved when I turned around and found that it was Tai. His arms were wrapped around me and he had on only boxers. Wanting some answers, I pinched him lightly on the arm.

Tai jerked and his eyes flew open.

"That hurt," he mumbled.

I rolled my eyes. "No it didn't. Anyway, why are you in bed with me?"

"Because I called last night and you didn't answer," Tai said, narrowing his eyes.

"I was tired," I claimed, even though I could barely remember the previous night.

"I sort of figured that out when I came over here and you were passed out on top of your bed with all your clothes still on. So I took them off of you and got you under the covers. And decided to stick around."

"Did you leave TK and Dai alone together?"

Tai paused, then glared at me. "Shut up."

I laughed. "They're at your apartment, aren't they?"

"Shut up."

"You're such an idiot." I wrapped my arms around Tai and kissed him. "A very sexy one, though."

"Did anyone touch you last night?"

I blinked at the random change of subject. "Huh?"

"I know guys must've touched you with those pants on."

"Don't worry, people weren't groping me or anything. Well... not more than just harmless touching, anyway."

"Harmless, my ass," Tai muttered.

"Tai, believe it or not; everyone is not plotting against you to steal me away."

"So you're saying you're mine?"

I paused. He had me there, and he knew it. I guess he was aware that this time it hadn't been made official.

Tai waited for me to answer. I tried to think of something to say. I didn't want to be "his"... but at the same time it had a sort of appeal.

"Well?" Tai prompted me. When I didn't respond, he spoke again. "Alright, let me put it this way; will you go out with me? Exclusively?"

Crap. What was I supposed to say?

"I'm still gonna work at the studio," was the first thing that came out of my mouth.

"Is that a yes?"

"I'm not changing any relationships I have with anyone at work just for you."

"Is that a yes?" Tai repeated.

I sighed in defeat. "...yeah."

"Good." Tai claimed my lips in a kiss. "I told you before, I can't share you with anyone else."

"I know..." I allowed his hands to roam my body freely, tilting my head back and murmuring when he began sucking on my neck.

"Let me mark you," he whispered hotly in my ear.

I froze for a second. "...what?"

Tai moved back so he could look me in the eyes. "I don't intend to let you go. Ever. I want you to be mine." He rubbed a thumb over a spot on my shoulder. "Just a tiny little mark, right there. I'll be as gentle as I can."

"But... will it **stay** there?"

Tai chuckled lowly. "That's kind of the point."

My eyes were wide and Tai noticed, giving me a kiss. "It's just something I'd really like to do... we don't have to. I just don't want you to belong to anyone else... it sounds kind of possessive, but..."

"Okay," I interrupted him. I took a deep breath and let it out. "Okay."

"You're gonna let me?"

"Yeah." I offered him a little smile.

"Yama... I love you. You don't have to say it back; you don't have to say anything. I just want you to know. I love you so much-"

"I love you too."

And I did. I had to, if I was actually letting him claim me as his own. Tai looked at me, and his eyes were brighter than I'd ever seen them before.

"Really?"

"As much as I hate to admit it,"-Tai smiled-"I do."

Tai took me into a deep, loving kiss. I kissed back passionately and when we broke it he looked at me happily, his eyes sparkling.

"You don't know how happy you've made me."

"You sound like I just agreed to marry you or something," I laughed.

"Nothing has ever meant more to me than this moment. I mean that. I can't think of anything right now... God, Yama, I love you." He kissed me again.

I had to ask him something. A favor. I **had** to. He was gazing right into my eyes, and I needed to say it now.

"Don't ever go."

Tai blinked. "What?"

"Don't ever leave me." I sounded so vulnerable, but I needed him to promise me. "I don't think I... please, just don't ever leave. I know it's hard to put up with me and I know I'm stubborn and horrible sometimes, but..." There was a lump forming in my throat. "Don't let me drive you away. I know I'm gonna say and do things that frustrate you, but-"

"Shh." Tai sealed my lips in a kiss, silencing me. "Be quiet."

I did, and a tear trickled out the side of my eye. I was getting too worked up over this. Tai wiped away the tear and pressed a kiss to the corner of my eye.

"Don't worry," he whispered. "I won't leave you. Ever. I love you too much; I could never leave. I have to be with you. I know you don't mean half of the things you say, and I know we'll get in fights and think that we don't ever want to see each other again. But I'll always come back for you."

Our lips met in a soft, tender kiss. I was crying now, but only because I was so moved with emotion. I felt sort of embarrassed to be crying like that, but Tai just smiled at me and stroked my hair. He brushed away the tears from my cheeks and when they stopped he asked me a simple question.

"Do you still want me to do this?"

I wasn't unsure anymore. "Yes."

Tai pressed his lips to my shoulder first, then sucked on it a bit before applying his teeth. I jerked slightly and bit my lip as his teeth sank in further. One of his hands took mine and he squeezed it comfortingly. I whimpered, feeling the skin on my shoulder rip from the pressure. It burned, and tears were stinging my eyes once again. Tai's hand rubbed my arm soothingly, but I couldn't stop a tear from escaping. When Tai finished, he kissed me gently and sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, baby." He gingerly touched the spot. "I didn't mean to draw blood. Does it still hurt?"

"Yes," I choked out, holding back tears.

Tai got off of me and left the room. I tried to compose myself, taking deep breaths to calm down. When he returned, he had ice with him.

"Here," he said, holding the ice on my shoulder. I shivered from the coldness, but didn't protest.

"You have sharp teeth," I told him.

He laughed. "Maybe I'm a vampire." He grinned at me to let me know he was joking. Because hey, you never know.

Once my shoulder felt better, we got out of bed and showered. Then we got dressed and headed over to Tai's place to check up on TK and Dai.

"I'm home!" Tai announced when we walked in the door. TK and Daisuke were sitting in the living room watching TV, much to Tai's relief.

"How'd it go last night?" TK asked.

"Good," I said, and dismissed the subject. I didn't need Tai on one of his rants. "So, what did you two do?" I grinned suggestively.

Both of their faces turned red.

"Nothing!" Daisuke exclaimed.

"Uh-huh. I'm sure." I smirked.

Tai narrowed his eyes at them. "You'd better both still be virgins."

"Don't worry," Daisuke said with a wicked grin, "we're not like you two."

I laughed, and Tai jumped on Daisuke. They began playfully wrestling. I could see now what TK had told me he saw in Dai; the same traits that Tai had.

"Those two," TK said, rolling his eyes. "How did we get stuck with them?"

I shook my head. "I don't know."

"I win!" Tai declared in triumph, having pinned Daisuke to the floor for about ten seconds. He grinned down at Dai. "Out of practice?"

"The only reason you won is because you're used to rolling around so much in bed!"

"Hey!"

Daisuke was quick with the comebacks, and they were pretty good. The two brunettes started wrestling again. It was nice to see Dai like that... it seemed so natural. Maybe TK was bringing out the best in him, like Tai was bringing out the best in me. TK was helping Dai leave his past behind, and Tai was doing the same for me.

The four of us hung out for the day. It was such a plain and simple day, yet it felt so good to have a day like that. I almost didn't want to leave to go to work.

I took TK home with me after we said a lengthy goodbye to our boyfriends, and went to my room to get ready while he got on the phone with Daisuke. I don't think you could separate them if you tried.

I was deciding what pants to wear when TK poked his head in the room.

"Tai's on the phone."

I took the phone from him and nodded a thanks. He disappeared into the hall.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Just making sure you don't wear those pants again."

I snorted. "You're an idiot."

"Yeah, well, I'm a very jealous idiot. I don't want people knowing your body as well as I do."

"I guarantee you that they don't."

"Good. You can put TK back on the phone now, Dai's kicking me off."

I laughed and called TK. He got the phone and went back into the living room while I picked out my clothes. Between changing clothes, I took a look at my shoulder. The imprints of Tai's teeth stood out boldly, which had obviously been his intention. I ran a finger over them and smiled faintly.

Maybe belonging to someone wasn't so bad after all.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

"Hi, Shu!" I chirped, bouncing into his office that evening.

Shu raised an eyebrow at me, looking up from his paperwork. "You sound happier than I think I've ever heard you in my life. What's going on?"

I maneuvered my shirt in such a way that Tai's markings showed. Shu's eyes widened.

"Is that what I think it is?"

I nodded.

Shu broke into a grin. "Finally you've found someone permanent! Let me guess; it's Tai."

"Yup! Is it that obvious?"

"I could tell there was something special between you two." Shu opened his arms. "Come here!"

I jumped into his lap, laughing and hugging him tightly.

"I'm so happy for you!" Shu said, ruffling my hair. "My little Yamato, all grown up and in love. I never thought the day would come."

"I never thought it would either," I admitted. "I guess it's true that one person can just walk into your life and change it."

Shu smiled at me. "It's so good to see you like this."

"Believe me, it's good to feel this way. For once I'm not completely dreading my existence."

"That's good to know."

There was a knock on the door, and we both turned to look. The new kid-Ken, was it?-was standing in the doorway. He gave Shu a timid smile.

"Ah, Ken. Come in." Shu motioned towards the chairs with his hand. I got off of Shu's lap and positioned myself on his desk, and Ken went to sit in one of the chairs.

"I'm glad you're here," Shu said to me, then turned back to Ken. "Ken, this is Yamato; one of our most experienced dancers. He's been here since he was fourteen. I think he could accomplish some things with you."

Ken gave me a bashful smile. "It's nice to meet you," he said softly.

"Not another shy one," I groaned. "Oh, Shu, I forgot to mention-Dai's coming out of his shell now."

"Is he?"

"Yeah. I guess he's getting more comfortable and settling in, you know? Allowing himself to relax."

"Must be. So can you dance with Ken a few times tonight?"

"Sure." I grinned at the boy. "It'll be my pleasure."

He blushed and I observed him for a moment, then nodded.

"Yeah, I'll fix him. Before you know it, he'll be dancing up a storm." I got off of the desk and gave Shu a little kiss on the cheek. "See you later." I turned to Ken. "You too." With a wink, I exited the room.

"Hey! 'Mato, c'mere!" Kazu called me the instant I walked out of the back area. I went over to the counter and he voiced his issue immediately.

"What's up with you? You look happy."

I laughed. "Is it that uncommon?"

Kazu shrugged. "Well, you haven't sworn since you got here. What is it, what's going on?"

I couldn't hold back a smile. "Here, look." I showed him the marks on my shoulder.

Kazu laughed in disbelief. "If I'm not mistaken, those are ownership marks."

"Damn right." I grinned.

"Well?" Kazu prodded. "Who is it?"

"Tai," I said matter-of-factly.

"The Tai you claimed wasn't your boyfriend?" Kazu smirked.

"Shut up." I stuck my tongue out at Kazu, which made him laugh.

"It's a nice change to see you this way."

"That's what Shu said too."

Suddenly hands clapped over my eyes and a disguised voice spoke.

"Guess who."

If my eyes weren't covered, I would've rolled them.

"Calvin."

Takechi's friend Calvin had started coming around the studio. He and I had been hanging out, despite the little things between Takechi and I. Speaking of which, they were never very far apart...

"Hey," Takechi greeted us.

"Hey," Kazu said. "You guys want drinks?"

Calvin shrugged. "Sure. Can't hurt." We all nodded in agreement.

Kazu went to get some drinks and Takechi raised an eyebrow at me.

"So how's it going with Tai?"

"Perfectly," I said simply, deciding not to mention the mark on my shoulder.

"I'm thinking of asking Shu if I can join you dancers," Calvin piped up.

Takechi raised a doubtful eyebrow. "**You**?"

"Hey, I can dance!" Calvin did a few disco moves which made us laugh and shake our heads.

Kazu came with our drinks and we chatted while sipping them for a while. Once a crowd started forming, I went to the back and did some last-minute preparations. Then the night **really** began.

Ken's shy nature didn't affect his dancing skills. He definitely had potential. A whole lot of it, actually. He just needed to loosen up a tiny bit and open his mouth. He only said a few words to me the whole night. Tetsuya was supposed to be training him, so I told him to make the kid talk more.

I got home late and took a shower-yet again being reminded of the new addition on my shoulder-then crawled into bed and fell asleep almost instantly. I woke up the next morning to the sound of my phone.

I reached for the phone and hit the dresser. I reached out again and my hand landed on my clock. Cracking my eyes open, I squinted and frowned when I didn't see the phone anywhere.

Leaning over the edge of the bed, I looked on the floor and underneath the bed. It wasn't there. Confused, I rolled back into my former position. And pulled out the phone from beneath me.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Do you know how many times the phone rang?" came Tai's voice.

"I couldn't find it." I stretched out in my bed. "What do you want?"

"Good morning to you, too. What time did you come home last night?"

"I don't know..." I rubbed my eyes and yawned. "Two, three maybe?"

"What time are you gonna be home tonight?"

"It's Friday, it depends... Fridays are crazy."

"So you've told me. Anyway, I got a job."

I paused. "...what?"

"I got a job. I figured I should get one since I dropped out of school and all."

"Wait... you dropped out of school? Officially?"

"Yeah. I figured I might as well... I haven't gone in a long while. And I don't want my parents to have to keep giving me money-they'll probably refuse once they find out I dropped out of school anyway-so I started looking for a job."

"Oh. So where are you gonna be working?"

"Some fancy restaurant. I have no clue how I got in."

"You mean one of those suit-and-tie restaurants?"

"Yup."

I laughed. "That should be fun."

"Hey, it might."

"I can't picture you working at a place like that. I mean, I can but it's weird."

"I'll bring you in with me sometime. Then you can watch me at work."

"Sounds good. When do you start?"

"Monday. I think it'll be kinda cool... besides, I need the money; Christmas is soon."

"Is it?"

"Nine days 'til." Tai sounded like he'd been counting down for a long time.

"I don't really celebrate Christmas much."

"**What**!"

I held the phone away from my ear at the loudness of his voice. Tai sounded so astonished that I wanted to laugh.

"How can you not celebrate Christmas!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know... I just don't care much about holidays. They're just like any other time of the year."

"Are you kidding? That's it, Yama, I'm gonna make this the best Christmas ever. You just wait!"

"Tai, don't-"

"No! I insist!" I could just see Tai shaking his head. "Not celebrate Christmas? You're insane."

"I'm not spending Christmas day with you."

"Don't be stubborn."

"Tai, I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I honestly don't care."

"Well, I do! And I want to spend Christmas with you."

I sighed. "Fine. But don't get me anything."

"Uh-huh, sure."

"I mean it."

"Yama, do you really think I'm not gonna get you anything for Christmas?"

"...no."

"Then shut up."

I smiled and shook my head. "You're so annoying."

"I love you too. By the way, I'm coming over."

"Now?"

"Later. Dai wants to go somewhere so I'm driving him and then going to visit Yoshi and Fujio."

"I'm gonna be at work later."

"Yeah, I know. What time are you leaving home?"

"I don't know. Six, maybe? Seven?"

"Well, I'm not gonna be out for that long. And I'm gonna stay over, okay?"

"I won't be home until late."

"I know. I don't care."

"Okay. See you then."

"See you. Bye, babe."

"Bye."

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

The word was out. Not one person had been left out of the loop. Everyone knew that I "belonged" to Tai. I figured one or two people had overheard me talking to Shu or Kazu and had spread the word. I was teased endlessly for the first bit when I arrived, then everyone simmered down. Of course, they'd take every opportunity they could to make remarks.

"Tai let you go out in those pants?" Kazu teased.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "Actually, the only ones he totally forbade are the ones I wore on Wednesday."

"I don't blame him." Kazu handed me a drink and I accepted it, taking a sip and then speaking.

"He's really possessive. It's sort of sexy, but he gets really carried away sometimes. He's always nagging at me."

"He'll loosen up. He'll have to."

"Yeah." I took another sip. "So, who's around tonight?"

"The new kid-it's his first Friday, should be interesting-Tetsuya, Akeno, Kane, Marco, Terri, you..." Kazu shrugged. "The usual. I hear Joe's gonna pop by tomorrow during the day to talk business with Shu. We might all get raises. But that's just what I heard."

I nodded. "Joe's a reasonable guy. Sounds possible. Who'd you hear it from?"

"That's the thing. Marco told me."

"So that pretty much cancels it out."

Shu laughed. "Hey, maybe for once he's right."

"I highly doubt it. I'll bet Joe's not even coming by."

"Probably not, but whatever." Kazu looked over my shoulder, but didn't say anything. A second later, hands covered my eyes.

"Guess-"

"Calvin."

"Aw, that's no fun!" Calvin released me.

Takechi was, of course, with him. "We just stopped by to say hi. We're thinking of staying though... after all, it's a Friday."

"You two should participate," Kazu said. He looked at Calvin. "You any good at dancing?"

"That depends who you ask."

We chatted for a long while and just hung around. By eleven, things were well underway. I'd danced with Ken once or twice, and everyone was having their little turn with him. His shift was over at midnight, which was wise of Shu because things tend to get a bit out of hand in the early morning hours.

I was dancing alone when someone grabbed me around the waist and tugged me in their direction, pulling me up against their body. I looked up into charcoal-colored eyes and recognized Kane. Kane is twenty-one and has white-blonde hair that he spikes up. The tips are black. He can be very intimidating if you don't know him. Tonight he was wearing tight black clothing with a thick black leather collar around his neck. He also had on black eyeliner, which made his ghostly face look even paler.

Kane kissed me and I had no choice but to kiss back. It wasn't abnormal, but most of the guys had refrained from kissing me since they heard about Tai. Kane's teeth tugged lightly at my lower lip and then he slipped his tongue inside my mouth. I responded to the intrusive act, letting my own tongue loose. It didn't feel right. His hands were actively fondling the lower regions of my body, trying to get a reaction, and I moved against him compliantly. The whole point was to put on a show no matter what. Even if what I was doing felt wrong.

I felt Kane's hand creep up under my shirt. He lightly tweaked a nipple, making me jerk a bit but recover quickly. His hand moved to my back for a few moments, then lowered. He hoisted me up slightly and I fixed my legs around his waist. I could feel something hard poking into me and pressed my body teasingly against that stiffness. The intensity of the kiss deepened, reaching new sexual heights. I was beginning to feel very lightheaded and extremely short of breath.

In one swift movement, Kane managed to position us so that I was laying beneath him. Anything goes at the bar, as I'm sure you've gathered. However, I didn't favor that rule so much when people took advantage of it to try and have sex with me. But after a while, you learn to cope.

Kane's erection throbbed insistently against my hip as he proceeded to kiss the life out of me. His knees were planted firmly on either side of me and one of his hands was cradling the back of my head. It occurred to me that in one easy maneuver, Kane would be practically inside of me. And I wouldn't exactly put that past him.

I tried to shove my hips in an attempt to lift Kane off of me but he pushed his down, grinding our bodies together. My breaths were fast and short; partially from Kane's persistent claim over my lips and partially from mild panic. Forced sexual action was all too familiar to me.

Kane's hand worked its way beneath the waist of my pants and I tensed. He groped and felt around, prodding and sparking unwanted sensations low in my body. His finger poked around behind me for a moment, then shoved inside.

I gasped into Kane's mouth and tried to breathe, forcing myself to put up with it. I had to; it was my job, wasn't it? It was just work. I reminded myself of that, but it didn't help me when Kane stuck another trespassing finger inside of me. I felt invaded. I felt demeaned. I felt completely and utterly violated.

If that wasn't enough, Kane's fingers began wriggling around, trying to find the spot that I so desperately wished I could hide. My body was rigid and my mind was numb, and his fingers were getting closer. One just barely missed the spot, brushing it by a hair. My resolution shattered. It was too much.

I managed to pry away and before I knew it I was walking away from the counter, tears stinging my eyelids. My legs felt rubbery and I was nearly hyperventilating.

"Hey!" I heard footsteps behind me, and someone caught up and grabbed my shoulders. Akeno turned me to face him, peering at me with concern.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"He put his fingers in me!" I bursted, voice high-pitched and frantic. "He... he...-!"

"Okay, calm down. Breathe. Are you okay?"

"No!" I blinked violently, burning tears threatening to spill over my cheeks. I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself.

Akeno put an arm around my shoulders. "Come on, 'Mato, you can do this. You've gotta get right back up there, you know that. Don't let this get to you."

"It's just..." I swallowed, swiping at a tear that had escaped. "He's not Tai," I choked out.

Now, like I said; everyone knew about Tai and I. Which meant that Kane had to be an unbelievable bastard to do that. Or...

"Kane's half-drunk," Akeno confirmed. "He probably doesn't even know what the hell he's doing. You know how he gets."

"Yeah..." My breaths were evening out and I sighed deeply. "...okay." I rubbed my eyes and gave Akeno a small, shaky smile.

"That's the Yamato I know." Akeno gave me a little squeeze, then steered me back to Kane-only, a bit further away so that I'd be dancing with Terri instead. Akeno's a great guy.

I sucked it up and danced like nothing had happened, although I did avoid Kane for the rest of the night. And in the back of my mind, the memory of what Kane's fingers had felt like inside of me crept up unwantedly. It made me want to shiver violently. I couldn't wait to get home and have Tai replace the feeling with one of his own.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

I walked into my room, shut the door, and pounced on Tai. He responded to me without resistance for a moment or two, then pulled away momentarily.

"You're a bit eager," he remarked, looking at me closely. He studied my face briefly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." My fingers clutched Tai's shirt in a fist. "I want you," I near-growled, attacking his lips furiously.

Tai wasn't expecting the sudden movement, and he landed on his back with me on top of him. I kissed him passionately and heatedly, only breaking contact for a split second when Tai flipped us over so that he was on top.

Tai broke the kiss, staring into my eyes determinedly.

"Are you trying to drive me crazy? Because if you are it's working."

"Tai, fuck me." My nails dug into his arms. "Hard."

Tai gazed at me with desire. "I take the word 'hard' very seriously."

I met his gaze with a matched passion. "So do I."

Amidst a series of frenzied kisses, Tai prepared me for him. His fingers were working around, erasing the forbidden feeling of Kane when Tai put his mouth right next to my ear and whispered,

"Somebody was in you tonight."

I froze, urges forgotten for the time being. I opened my mouth, voice unsteady.

"W-what?" I stuttered, my throat dry.

Tai rephrased his statement, turning it into a question. "Someone was inside of you, who was it?"

I didn't know what to do. I stared up at Tai unblinkingly. My body was perfectly still. My mind raced, trying to think of something-**anything**-to say.

Tai touched my cheek lightly and spoke gentle but firm. "Yama, who was it?"

"Kane," I blurted out, tears springing to my eyes once again. "I-he-Tai, I-"

"Shh." Tai put a finger to my lips, and a tear spilled over my cheek. I sobbed silently as he stroked my hair. Why was he being so understanding? How could he have known?

"What happened?" Tai asked me, his voice a lot softer.

"It was... I was just dancing, and... and he just... he put his fingers inside of me, and I... God, Tai, I couldn't take it... I tried, but I couldn't let him because it wasn't you... I wanted **you**!"

And then Tai was kissing me, lighter than before but still with the same passion. I kissed him back, welcoming the warmth that spread over me when we touched.

Our lips separated some time later and Tai pressed another short kiss to my lips.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

I nodded, wiping away the last of the tears. "Yeah." My voice was soft and faint.

"You sure?"

I nodded again.

"Good. Because I'm gonna kill that bastard."

"Tai, it's not his fault," I protested. Kane does tend to get carried away sometimes, but I know he wouldn't have done that had he been completely sober. "He was drinking."

"You're obviously upset by this. I'm not gonna let it go so easily."

"Tai, I'm fine... I'm okay now, just... get rid of it. I don't want to feel him; I want to feel you."

Tai's major weakness; me asking things of him. He granted me what I'd asked, eliminating all thoughts of Kane from my mind. That is, until he brought it up again half an hour later.

I was wrapped in Tai's arms and one sheep away from sleep when Tai spoke.

"Yama? You awake?"

I buried my head in Tai's stomach and groaned. He chuckled and ruffled my hair.

"Sorry, baby."

"What you do want?" I whined, lifting my head.

Tai grasped my chin and planted a kiss on my lips. "Forget it. Go back to sleep."

"I can't now! What is it?"

"What does this 'Kane' guy look like?"

I let my head drop back to its former position, giving another groan.

"Yama, you cried over this. None of those bastards deserve to have you cry because of something they did."

"Forget it." My voice was muffled, but Tai got the message.

"What if he does it again? What then?"

"He won't. I won't let him. Good night."

"If something like this happens again-"

"Tai, I'm tired!" I complained.

Tai sighed and kissed me on the forehead. "Good night. Don't think I'm just gonna forget this."

I ignored him and visualized the last sheep jumping over a fence. My mind shut down and I drifted off to sleep.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

I woke up Saturday morning alone. At first I thought the worst; that Tai had left. Then I noticed his shirt on the floor next to the bed. I made a mental note to pick our clothes up off the floor later, then called out,

"Tai?"

Relief washed over me when I heard footsteps in the hallway and I realized how ridiculous my thoughts were. I had to stop expecting the worst.

Tai appeared in the doorway and smiled at me. "Morning, angel."

"Angel?"

"That's what you are. My angel." Tai came over and sat on the bed next to where I laid. "Except, of course, when you're being a manipulative sex demon."

I laughed and stuck my tongue out at Tai. He playfully attacked me, tickling me and nipping at my neck. When Tai stopped we laid there with him on top of me, his head buried in my neck and my head resting on his. Tai pressed his lips to my shoulder.

"I see the marking was successful. Which means you're mine, permanently."

"I don't mind." Tai moved his head to look at me and I gave him a little grin.

"Good." He kissed me and lazily ran his fingers through my hair.

The phone rang. I closed my eyes and sighed, holding onto Tai's wrist so he wouldn't move.

"Ignore it."

Tai ignored me instead, placed a kiss on my nose, then removed his wrist from my grip and reached over to grab the phone.

"Hello?" He paused. "Yeah, just a moment." He handed the phone to me.

I took it from him. "Hello?"

"Hey." It was Akeno. "Just calling to check up. How are you feeling?"

"Good. Thanks for the little pep talk yesterday, by the way."

Akeno laughed. "Glad to help. So, was that Tai who answered the phone?"

"Yeah."

"You in bed?"

"Yeah."

"I'll see you tonight?"

"Definitely. Bye."

"Bye."

I pressed the 'off' button and tossed the phone aside. Before Tai could ask, I answered his question.

"Akeno. A guy from work. He wanted to know if I was feeling alright."

Tai nodded and inquired no further. I was almost asleep again when he poked me in the side.

"Hey, don't you fall asleep on me. I was making breakfast before I came in here. Come eat."

"I don't wanna," I half-whined.

"Yama, be a good boy." Tai grinned. "Although, I know that's pretty hard for you."

"Shut up." I got up, though, and followed Tai co-operatively to the kitchen.

Tai spent the day with me. I was getting ready for work when he realized that he'd left TK and Dai alone at his house again, this time for longer. As I laughed at him, he called his place to discover that they'd gone out; there was no answer.

"I guarantee you they're both still virgins," I said to Tai, rolling my eyes. "They're not stupid."

"Being stupid has nothing to do with it."

Tai dropped me at work and then went to his place. I guess he was hoping to catch them when they came back. He really needed to calm down.

Kane wasn't working that night. Several people approached me about what had happened. Some hadn't noticed, others had talked to Kane about it afterwards. Apparently he had been somewhat drunk, which made me feel better.

When I got home, TK was there. He told me that Tai had interrogated them and I laughed. TK got on the phone with Dai and I decided to get some sleep. As I laid in bed, I thought about everything in general. I was beginning to relax a bit; maybe I was too worried. Maybe nothing was going to happen to me. Maybe my bad luck had stopped for the time being.

Or maybe I was just being really ignorant.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

A/N: Heh. We'll see. Anyhoo, credit for Tai's job goes to Tyson FoxFlame! Because I suck when it comes to simple decisions.


	10. Kiss the Demons Out of my Dreams

**A/N:** Oh, and Yama's sort of a drama queen here, as I'm sure you know by now... so don't review telling me that you don't like it. Because I really don't care unless you have something intelligent to say about it.

And a lot happens in this chapter. I wasn't going to put so much in here, but I will because the timing finally seems perfect. And, I've got a rough idea of how many more chapters this'll be going for. Then we've got the epilogue, which will really probably just be like a normal chapter but maybe a bit shorter. I just feel like calling it the epilogue. Anyhoo, read and stop listening to me ramble on!

By the way, this story takes place in 2001. Why? Because I said so!

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Digimon, Yama, Tai, Daisuke, Takeru, Ken, etc. 'Tis just my imagination.

**Novocain**  
**Kiss the Demons Out of my Dreams**  
by: nEo-cHaN

I didn't get to see Tai on Sunday because he apparently had some things to take care of. I found it a bit odd that he couldn't find room in his day for me since he'd usually make time even if he didn't have it. However, I learned why he'd been so busy that day. Shu called me on Monday sounding somewhat amused to tell me that Tai had been in on Sunday to confront Kane.

"I didn't know how to react," Shu said with a laugh. "On one hand, it's one of my dancers. On the other, he did cross the line. But he **was** drunk... that excuse wasn't good enough, though. Your Taichi beat him up pretty well. I've got someone to fill his shifts, so it's not really affecting anything much... I think Kane will think twice now before he so much as looks at you."

I didn't find it all that amusing. Actually, I was annoyed. And when Tai came to my place after finishing his first day of work, I let him know.

"You are such an idiot!" I exclaimed as soon as I let him in the door.

He blinked. "...what?"

"You went and beat up Kane!"

"Oh, that." Tai brushed it off like it was nothing. "He deserved it."

"Tai! He was drunk!"

"So I heard. Whatever, he shouldn't have been near you in the first place. Would you rather have him stick his fingers up your ass again?"

That effectively shut me up. Tai took off his shoes and headed for my room, calling a hello to TK through his door. TK yelled a greeting back and I followed Tai into my bedroom where he'd sat down on the bed.

"How was your first day?" I asked him.

"Well, right now I'm just being trained. But I think it's the fanciest restaurant I've ever been to. It's so formal. All the women in there are dressed really fancy like they're going to a ball and the guys are all in expensive suits... and I have to wear a suit and a tie and stuff"

I pictured it in my head. "You've gotta let me come in and watch you some time. It should be entertaining."

"I bet." Tai patted his lap and I sat down, letting him wrap his arms around me. We didn't speak for a few moments, a comfortable silence in the air. Then Tai lifted his head and vocalized what I assume he was thinking about.

"Are you sure you won't consider coming to live with me?"

I closed my eyes briefly. Of course he had to go and ruin the moment.

"Tai, we've been over this."

"I know, I know..." He sighed. "Will you at least think about it?"

"No. Truthfully, I might've taken it into consideration when it was just me living here and just you living at your place- maybe even if it would be just you, me, and Daisuke. But I've got TK here and having all four of us living together would be hectic."

"Why?"

"Tai, I'm not moving in with you. Drop it."

"But you would if it was just the two of us?"

"Possibly. But it's not, so it doesn't matter."

I didn't see what the big deal was. Tai could be with me any time he wanted except when we were at work, so living together would hardly be a change.

Tai didn't say anything else, and I changed the subject.

"I've gotta work in a few hours." I tilted my head back and grabbed Tai's chin, drawing him into a kiss. "You can pick my outfit if you want. Maybe. If you're reasonable."

"I'm always reasonable."

"Uh-huh, whatever you say." I smirked. "Telling me that I can't wear anything 'sexy' is not reasonable."

"It's also impossible. No matter what you wear, you look sexy." Tai pinched my ass.

I couldn't help laughing. "You are such an idiot."

"Why? Because I think my boyfriend is sexy?"

"Just stop talking." I pulled Tai into a kiss.

Tai slipped his tongue into my mouth and I mirrored his action. His hand dropped immediately to my thigh and started to rub. Within moments he had my pants undone and was stroking me, massaging my arousal as I played a bit with his also.

Tai kissed my ear and the side of my face. "Yama... baby..." He wormed a finger into the back of my pants and lowered his voice. "Can I fuck you?"

Usually he wouldn't ask, but he'd obviously noticed that we weren't already laying on the bed with him on top of me and wondered what was going on. Usually we'd be far past that position already, but there was one tiny obstacle.

"Tai-" I jerked and half-glared into Tai's eyes. "Okay, first of all. Get your finger out of my ass. Second, I-Tai!"

Tai removed the offending fingers and looked at me innocently. "What were you saying?"

"I have work."

"So?"

"So I don't particularly want your dick up my ass before I go to work!"

Tai's lips formed a pout. "Why not?"

I sighed, frustrated. "Because I won't be able to do my job properly. It'll get me all worked up."

"And a hand job won't?"

"Not as much."

"Probably because you get them at work too," Tai muttered.

I abruptly got off of Tai's lap. "Okay, now you're not getting anything."

Tai's mouth dropped open. "But-wha-no, that's not fair!"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Well... it is, but... Yamaa!" Tai tugged me down beside him. "Come on, I didn't mean it."

"Yes you did."

"Yama..." Tai gently pushed me to a laying position and climbed over me, pressing a kiss to my lips. "Honestly. I know you won't let just anyone do that. Anymore."

"I don't just randomly let people give me hand jobs."

"I know." He squeezed my member. "I just told you, I didn't mean it."

"You're still not fucking me before work."

"Can I change your mind?"

"No."

Despite what I'd said, Tai and I ended up having sex. Afterwards we lay in my bed, Tai's arms wrapped around me and his chin resting on my shoulder from behind.

Tai ran a hand along my thigh and kissed my neck. "Well? Enjoy yourself?"

"You are such a fucking..." I sighed, giving up. "Bastard."

"You still going to work?"

"Maybe. I should withhold sex from you for a week."

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

Tai bit me on the shoulder. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, I would. If you so much as touch me before work from now on..."

"I have a quota to fill," Tai insisted. "I need to fuck you at least five out of seven days a week."

I snorted. "That's a pretty high quota."

"Well, I'd say every day but sometimes there's a really busy day."

"Idiot." I had to smile though.

"And having sex more than once a day is highly applicable."

"Whatever." I pulled Tai's arms around my waist and laced my fingers through his, closing my eyes.

After some time I could feel myself drifting off to sleep and forced myself awake, moving to reach for the phone. Tai's arms dropped from around me and he gave a little whine.

"Baby, what are you doing?"

"Calling Shu." I got the phone and returned to my former position where Tai embraced me tightly once again.

"Are you going in?"

I rolled my eyes and dialed Shu's office number, holding the phone to my ear. "What do you think?"

Tai kissed me on the cheek. A moment later, Shu answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Shu, it's me."

"Yamato," Shu greeted me pleasantly. "What can I do for you?"

"Nothing, it's just..." I sighed. "I don't think I can come in tonight."

"Why not?"

"I feel kind of sick," I lied. I couldn't believe it. I was lying to Shu. "It might just be a 24-hour thing... I can probably come in tomorrow."

"Don't worry about it. Do you want me to come over and-"

"No, it's okay." I interrupted quickly. "Uh, I mean.. I don't feel like being around anyone. You know?"

"Of course. Get some rest, alright?"

"I will. Thanks, Shu."

"No problem. Get better."

I hung up, feeling extremely guilty. I'd never lied to Shu before to get out of work. I'd never even wanted to. Placing the phone on my nightstand, I turned in Tai's arms to face him.

He was grinning. "You just lied." Leave it to Tai to state the obvious.

I rolled my eyes. "No shit. Tai, I don't like lying to Shu. And I'm not going to do it again."

"No one forced you to."

I glared at him. "You shoved your dick in my ass! That completely screws me up for the night!"

He raised an eyebrow. "Wow. I affect you that much?"

I felt my face getting hot. "Shut up. You know what I mean."

"Actually, I don't. I didn't know having sex incapacitated you."

"Tai, just shut up."

"Hey, it's not my fault that you feel like you can't do anything after we have sex."

"Idiot," I muttered, unlatching his arms from around me and sitting up.

Tai mock-gasped. "Amazing! It's been less than an hour and already you've managed to move-ow!"

I pinched his arm and began to get off of the bed but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down, rolling on top of me.

"Tai, get off of m-"

I didn't get to finish my sentence. Tai covered my lips with his for a long moment or two. When the kiss was broken, he ran a hand along the back of my thigh and squeezed.

"You know, it seems like the effect has died off somewhat. Since you're not going to work... I think you can afford to be fully incapacitated." He grinned.

I rolled my eyes. But he was right, I wasn't going to work anyway...

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

TK told me later that he'd had to block out the noises from my bedroom and that he was partially scarred for life. I told him he'd live and besides, it was what he and Daisuke would be doing soon... if they hadn't already. He spluttered something irrelevant in response and quickly made his escape.

I woke up Tuesday morning-more like afternoon, really-alone, similar to other mornings. With a yawn, I rolled over and stretched before getting out of bed. I didn't think it would be very appropriate to call Tai's name and possibly wake TK. Pulling on the first decent clothing I found, I made my way through the hallway. I expected Tai to be standing in the kitchen or the living room, smiling because he'd heard me coming. However, it wasn't so.

I stood in the middle of the living room, looking around as if there were somewhere he could be hiding. Tai wasn't in the kitchen. He wasn't in the living room. He hadn't been in bed with me, or in the bathroom.

His shoes weren't at the door. His jacket wasn't in the closet. No clothing articles of his were in my room. Could it be that he'd...?

_Riing!_

I jumped, then rushed to the phone and picked it up on the second ring.

"Hello?" I answered eagerly.

"Hey, baby."

Relief washed over me. Then anger struck.

"Where are you!" I exclaimed. "You could've at least left me a note or something... you just **left**! Do you have any idea how-"

I stopped because Tai was laughing. That just made me angrier.

"Stop laughing!" I demanded. "I'm serious! I thought you'd just left me and I swear, if you hadn't called just now-"

"You're so cute."

Something about his voice melted away most of the anger. I discontinued my little rant, and he spoke again.

"I'm at work. They're training me during the day today, they figured it would be better because it's less busy. When I'm done training, they'll give me the later shifts again. So I won't have to leave my precious Yama while he's sleeping."

I could hear the smile in his voice, and the teasing tone.

"Shut up. I just-"

"You're too paranoid. I'm not going to just up and leave you, Yama. You need to stop worrying about stuff like that. Anyway, I've got to go. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Fine. Bye."

When Tai came home, TK wasn't there; he'd gone out with Daisuke. I heard the door open and was prepared to give Tai a hard time, but that intention died when I saw what he was holding in his hand.

Tai gave me a kiss and handed me the flowers.

"I love you; you know that, right?"

I nodded, unsure where this was going. Tai gently pushed me so that I was against the wall and placed his lips on mine more forcefully. When we broke the kiss, I was out of breath.

Tai looked into my startled eyes. "You'd better put those flowers in water."

He smiled and turned around, heading down the hall and into my bedroom.

I stood there for some moments, then came to my senses and went into the kitchen. I filled a vase with water and put the flowers in it, then stared at them for a good long minute. Shaking my head, I retreated to my room.

Tai was sitting on my bed, waiting. I went to sit next to him but he pulled me to sit between his legs so that my back was leaning against his front. He wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured. Tai pressed a kiss to my neck and sucked gently on the skin. One of his hands traveled down and stroked my thigh lightly, almost teasingly.

Something felt weird. It wasn't just that Tai had brought me flowers... something was off.

Tai's hand moved between my legs, squeezing and fondling. I moaned softly and closed my eyes, letting my head tilt back onto his shoulder.

"Tai..." I whispered his name.

He unfastened my pants and moved his hand inside, touching my naked member. But it didn't feel right for some reason. I said his name again, but differently.

Tai noticed the change of tone in my voice and stopped. He removed his hand and let go of me completely. I pushed his legs together and turned around to face him, straddling his lap. His eyes met mine.

"What's wrong?"

My voice was quiet. Tai was silent for a moment, then gave me a tired half-smile and stroked my hair.

"I'm sorry..."

"For what?" I grasped his sleeve in one of my fists worriedly. "What is it?"

Tai leaned forward to kiss me, but I turned my head. He frowned, looking slightly hurt. I stared into his eyes determinedly.

"No. I want to know."

Tai sighed. He rubbed his temples and sighed again. Then he looked at me, guilt haunting his eyes.

"I kissed someone at work today."

I felt completely numb. I couldn't speak. I don't know if I even blinked. My hands started to tremble and the numbness faded into pure shock.

"You **what**?"

My voice sounded distant to my own ears.

Tai reached for my hand, but I pulled it away. He groaned.

"Please, Yama, don't be like this-"

"Be like **what**!" My voice was louder and more high-pitched than I'd intended, but I didn't care. I got off of Tai's lap.

"Be so upset... I'm sorry-"

"How can you expect me not to be upset!" Tears stung my eyelids.

"It was nothing... they don't mean anything to me, I just-"

"Then why did you kiss them!" I hissed.

Tai sighed. I turned away, choking back a sob. I heard Tai get up and a moment later he touched my shoulder. I jerked away and turned, slapping him across the face.

Tai looked... broken. There's no other way to describe it. He touched his cheek gingerly, looking at me with a wounded expression.

"Don't look at me like that," I found myself saying. "It's your fault, you're the one who did this!" I collapsed onto my bed, tears rolling down my cheeks. Pulling up my legs, I rested my head on my knees and cried.

Beyond my muffled sobs, I heard Tai exit the room. Seconds later, my front door slammed shut and my tears only got worse.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

It was later that night and I was curled up in the corner of my bed. My eyes were red and raw, my face was pale, and I had no intentions of moving.

The phone rang. I barely blinked. It rang again. Then there was silence for a brief period of time.

A knock on the door. At first I wasn't going to respond. Then I mustered up the strength to call out, "What?"

"The phone. It's for you... I think it's Shu."

TK sounded upset. He'd come home earlier and repeatedly asked me what was wrong until I'd locked myself in my room. I knew it hurt him to see me like this, but I couldn't just pretend nothing was wrong.

I picked up the cordless phone, which was conveniently located within my reach.

"Hello?"

My voice was dull and rather than conveying a greeting, the tone implied just the opposite.

"What's wrong?"

It was Shu, and he sounded surprised.

"Nothing."

Shu would be an idiot to think I was telling the truth. "Really, what's wrong? You didn't come in to work."

Shit. Work. I'd completely forgotten. How could one argument with Taichi fuck up my life so much?

"I'm sorry, Shu."

"Are you alright?" He sounded concerned. "You sound... well... you sound dead. Are you still sick?"

I closed my eyes. Right... I'd lied to Shu. All because of Taichi; the bastard who had gone and destroyed everything in just a matter of hours.

"No... I just..." I ran a hand over my face. "...Taichi and I had a fight."

"A fight? It sounds pretty serious to me. What happened?"

"He... he kissed someone." My voice caught in my throat.

"He cheated on you?"

I felt tears springing to my eyes again. "Yeah," I choked out.

Shu exhaled deeply, somehow almost sounding disappointed. "And I thought he would be the one," he muttered to himself.

"What?"

"Nothing. Did you two break up?"

"No... he left. I slapped him and he left. I don't understand, Shu... why would he do that when he says he loves me?" I began to cry, softly.

"Oh, 'Mato..." Shu sighed.

Shu stayed on the phone with me for a while, until he absolutely had to go. We got off the phone and I went back to wallowing in self-pity.

The saddest thing was that I was hoping Tai would come back.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

I woke up at around 6:00AM on Wednesday morning. I wasn't used to it anymore; waking up so early. Having Taichi had acted as a source of comfort. I'd gotten used to him waking me up, or waking up and finding that he'd been awake for a while.

My gloomy mood didn't lighten. TK went to spend the day with Daisuke because I refused to talk about what had happened and I didn't want to talk about anything else.

I went to work that night, but I had no energy. Everyone's spirits dampened somewhat because of how I was acting. I think Shu wanted to send me home, but it turned out he didn't have to.

I was dancing with Kyoshi unenthusiastically-usually I try to do my best even when I don't feel up to it, but I just couldn't-when my lack of energy got a lot worse. I felt lightheaded and dizzy. But I kept dancing. Or trying to. Everything seemed to darken, and I wondered why Shu would turn all of the lights off.

Seconds later, everything was light again. Too light; the brightness was blinding. I was in Kyoshi's arms, as if he'd caught me from a fall. I blinked and realized that I'd fainted and been unconscious for a few seconds.

Kyoshi handed me over to Takechi, who scooped me up and began carrying me away. Shu came out of the back just before we got there and the three of us were soon sitting in Shu's office.

Worry creased Shu's forehead. He crouched in front of me, peering up at my face.

"Get him a glass of water," he ordered Takechi. Then he spoke to me. "Yamato, you look pale. You look tired. Are you sure you're not sick?"

"I don't think I ate today," I said, my voice weak.

Shu stood and went to his desk, sitting down and putting his head in his hands. He sighed and shook his head.

"What am I going to do with you?"

Takechi re-entered the room and handed me the water. I barely had the energy to sip from it.

"Takechi, take Yamato home," Shu said. "Yamato, get something to eat. If you're still feeling this way tomorrow, don't come in. If you do, I will send someone to escort you home. Do you understand?"

I nodded.

"Good. Now go get some rest."

Takechi helped me up and we started to leave the office.

"And Yamato?"

I looked back when Shu spoke. He caught my eye.

"Remember that work is separate from your personal life."

I was silent during the whole ride home. Usually I can ignore whatever's wrong and continue with work as usual, but this was different somehow. Taichi affected me in every way. If there was a problem between me and him, there was a problem with me and everything else.

Takechi walked me up to my apartment. I had to wonder why I was even with Tai. Takechi had never done anything to deserve what I'd done to him; carelessly tossing his feelings about. I'd been so selfish. And for what? For someone who cared so little about me.

We reached my apartment door and I unlocked it, then turned to say goodbye to Takechi. Only, words didn't seem quite right in the situation.

I kissed Takechi. He froze, unsure of what to do. That was just long enough for me to hear a small noise.

Breaking the kiss, I looked down the hall. Taichi was standing just a few feet away, looking stunned. I suddenly felt sick.

"Taichi-" I began weakly, but he shook his head.

"No. I came here because I thought we could work this out. Shu came and told me how bad you were doing earlier, TK even mentioned it to me while he was over... but it looks to me like you're doing just fine." Tai turned on his heel and began walking down the hall.

"Tai, no, wait!" I took a step forward, but my knees buckled beneath me and I stumbled. Takechi reached out and stopped me from falling. I saw Tai step into the elevator, not even looking back. With a sob, I fell to my knees.

I'd done it again; wrecked whatever happiness I could have savored.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Thursday came and passed, and I didn't hear from Tai. I came home from work early in the morning hours on Friday and eagerly checked the phone for messages. There were none.

TK was preoccupied on Saturday with preparing for Christmas. He was with Daisuke the whole day and then spent the evening humming Christmas carols and wrapping Daisuke's gift. He'd decorated the place-I'm assuming he went out and bought the stuff, because I didn't have any decorations-and so I stayed in my room as much as possible when I was home. The decorations reminded me of Tai.

Christmas Day arrived. Shu called, and so did a couple of other people from the studio. TK and Daisuke both wished me a Merry Christmas. Daisuke came over for the first half of the day, then TK went over to his place. I sat in my room with all the lights off, loathing holidays more and more by the minute. Eventually I decided to get out of the house and go for a walk.

The sun had set half an hour prior and it had begun to snow lightly. I shoved my hands in my coat pocket, staring at my feet as I walked down the street. Everywhere flashed with Christmas lights and Christmas tunes were playing in the stores. Nearly every person walking down the street had a parcel in their hands. Mind you, the streets were relatively empty because most people were home with their families. Christmas had never been a happy time for me.

By then I should have learned my lesson about dark alleys. However, I thought that it would be okay because it was a short alley and I was only going through it as a shortcut back to my place. Also, I was hardly thinking of anything but mine and Tai's... relationship? I didn't even know what to call it anymore.

I got through the alley safely. Which, in the future, would only lead me to believe that going through another dark alley would be fine as well. I felt like I was being watched, but shrugged it off as paranoia. I was relieved when I reached my building and got up to my apartment. I turned the key in the door and put it in my pocket, then placed my hand on the doorknob.

A sudden shove caught me off guard and I stumbled inside my apartment. Someone clapped a hand over my mouth and shoved me against the wall, holding me still. My front door slammed shut and I heard the lock click.

I struggled against the person holding me and heard a low chuckle.

"Feisty, isn't he?" came a voice.

A light laugh sounded. "It's a change from his usual demeanor."

The voice was quite familiar. There was just enough light streaming through the living room blinds to reach the front hallway and reveal a pair of charcoal eyes.

I gasped, but the sound was muffled completely by the hand covering my mouth. I stared, shocked.

"Don't bruise him," Kane ordered the other three men. "We don't want to wreck his pretty skin."

One man quickly wrapped something around my mouth, efficiently gagging me. I tried to yell, but it just sounded like faint noise. I heard a click behind me and tried to move my arms. I couldn't; my wrists were tied together. The men picked me up and began carrying me down the hallway. At this point I began to really panic. I kicked my legs and struggled against their grip.

They placed me down in the middle of my bedroom. One of the men held my legs still, not allowing me to move them. Kane stepped towards me, smirking.

"So you sent your boyfriend after me. Were you that upset, Yamato? Did it pain you that much to have my fingers inside of you?"

Kane snapped, and one of the men unfastened my pants. I was wearing sweatpants for once-they seemed to suit my mood-and they dropped to my ankles. The man then pulled my boxers down, exposing me completely.

I felt tears bubbling up inside of me, but forced them down. If Kane saw me cry, he would only receive more satisfaction.

Kane trailed his fingers along my face, grasping my chin and tilting it upwards.

"What about my kisses, Yamato? Hm? Did they upset you as well?"

Kane forced his lips on mine. I turned my head away and he chuckled lowly.

"I see how it is."

He moved his hand between my legs, grabbing hold of my member. I went rigid, my heart pounding in my chest. His fingers ran along it several times, from tip to base.

"So pretty, you are... if only I'd brought some sort of camera... oh, wait." Kane smirked. "I did."

The third man flicked on the lights and brought out a video camera. He turned the camera towards us and I bit back tears.

I was forced to the ground on my knees. Kane pulled me against him and reached behind me, inserting two fingers right after reach other. I cried out, but the gag dullened my cry.

"Make sure you're getting this," Kane was saying. "Get his pretty little ass being finger-fucked." He shoved in another finger.

My tears were flowing freely now, and Kane sneered at me.

"You're such a little pussy. Can't handle being fucked like this?"

Kane pushed me away from him, and I thought for a moment that he was going to let me go. I was wrong.

One man hauled me up and threw me onto the bed, then positioned me on my hands and knees. He unbound my hands and instead held them tightly in place. It had just as much effect; I couldn't move.

I could hear Kane shedding his clothes, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. "Fucking annoying brat," someone muttered under their breath, then slapped my face. Kane snarled.

"Didn't I tell you not to bruise him? Don't touch him. I want him to look just as perfect as usual."

I felt Kane's weight on the bed and my tears intensified. I could hardly breathe. Seconds later, Kane pushed his cock into my ass. I cried even harder, not that it helped. Kane proceeded to violate me, all the while trying to display it as well as he could for the camera. Before he could climax inside of me, he pulled out. I assumed he was finished with me when he got off the bed.

But no. One of the men sat me at the edge of the bed. They bound my hands again, grabbed my chin, and quickly untied my gag. There was no time to say anything before Kane shoved his dick into my mouth. I half-choked, half-gagged, and he just laughed.

"What, don't tell me you haven't done this for your precious Taichi. Swallow, bitch."

Kane thrusted into my mouth and came. I both couldn't and wouldn't swallow it. I managed to maneuver my head and ended up vomiting on the ground. Despite what he'd said about not bruising me, Kane slapped me. His eyes flashed angrily.

"You stupid little-"

The phone rang, startling everyone. I sobbed openly, not even bothering to scream anymore. Kane glanced at the phone, then nodded to his guys.

"C'mon, let's go."

They released me from all my confinements and left, closing the door behind them. I couldn't bring myself to move. I just sat there and cried.

Eventually I composed myself enough to clean up and shower. I spent a long time in the shower, contemplating many ways of committing suicide. It was so easy to just grab the pills from the cabinet, or to hang myself in the bathroom, or to grab the razor... or even to drown myself. There were so many ways. And yet I found myself walking out of the bathroom, leaving the thoughts of suicide there.

But I couldn't go back to my room. There was no way I could go back to the place where Kane had just raped me. He'd raped me on my very own bed. How could I ever sleep in that bed again?

I went to the kitchen instead, dressed in only boxers, and dialed a number. It was worth a try.

The phone rang two and a half times, then someone picked up. There seemed to be a hesitance, then the person spoke.

"Hello?"

I nearly burst into tears again. "T... Tai?"

Silence. Then, quietly,

"What do you want?"

"Tai, please..." My voice was shaking. "C-can you come over here? I... I need you."

"It didn't seem like you needed me the other day when Takechi was there."

"Taichi, please!" I broke into quiet sobs, covering the mouthpiece so that he might not hear.

But Tai can tell when I'm crying. He can hear it in my voice. "I'll be right over."

I put down the phone and went to the living room, pulling my legs up and wrapping my arms around them. I stayed hunched up in that position until there was a knock on the door.

I didn't move. After a moment Tai figured out that the door was open and came in, taking off his shoes and then heading straight to the couch where I sat. He stood in front of me for a moment or two without saying anything.

"Well?" he finally said.

I lifted my head to look at Tai, then burst into tears. I placed my head back on my knees, muffling the noise I was making. My shoulders shook as I cried, and Tai sat down beside me. He put an arm around me.

"What's wrong?"

I abandoned my position and looked at Tai. He looked worried, especially when he saw the condition I was in. With a sob, I threw myself into his arms.

Tai stroked my hair and rubbed my back. He spoke, his voice quiet but concerned.

"What is it? What happened?"

"Kane," I choked out. "H-he..."

The color drained from Tai's face, and I struggled to finish my sentence.

"He raped me," I near-whispered. "He raped me, and he taped the whole thing."

Tai was still for about a minute. His efforts at comforting me had ceased and I watched him through sore, tear-filled eyes. He looked furious.

"I'm going to fucking kill him." Tai's voice was stiff. He stood up and started towards the door.

"Don't go," I sobbed. "Please, Tai..."

"You should get some rest."

Tai lifted me from the couch and carried me in his arms down the hallway. When he turned to go in my room, I became frantic.

"No!" I practically shrieked, stopping him in his tracks.

Tai gave me a bewildered look. "What...?"

"I can't go back in there," I insisted, my fist clenching in Tai's shirt. "I can't."

"Yama, why would you be afraid of your own room?"

Tai wasn't putting two and two together. I buried my head in his chest and vocalized the reason.

"He did it on my bed."

I've heard of people being so angry that they can't speak, or move, or anything. That was Tai. He was completely enraged for about a minute. Then he spoke, voice void of emotion.

"You're coming home with me."

Tai moved towards the door, and I protested again.

"I don't want them to see me like this... TK and Dai..."

"I think that's the least of our worries right now."

"Please, Tai, just stay with me..."

He did stay with me. We slept on the living room couch, and in the morning he woke me up with a kiss.

I half-opened my eyes to reveal Tai hovering over me, dressed up. He gave me a little smile.

"Just thought I'd let you know I'm leaving now. I have to go to work. It's my last day in training."

That explained why he was dressed like that. I didn't want to be left alone, but I knew Tai couldn't skip work.

I nodded. "Okay."

He kissed me again. "I'll see you later. And by the way? The person I kissed, at work... it was the person training me. They wanted me to stay some extra time at work. I kissed them so I could get home to you earlier. And it was a girl. That's why you should know it meant nothing."

I didn't respond. I was still processing it in my mind. Tai flashed me another smile and then left, locking the door behind him.

A girl. He'd kissed a girl. To get home to me quicker. Why couldn't he have just said that in the first place?

_Because you didn't let him_, a voice nagged in the back of my head.

It was true. If I'd just let him explain, then everything would've been fine. But I hadn't. It was my fault, as always.

I didn't know what to do with myself until Tai came back. I didn't want to go into my bedroom, so I stayed in the living room and absently watched TV. TK called to ask me if I wanted to go to the mall with them. They were going to check out some sales in their favorite stores since it was boxing day. I declined their invitation and went back to doing nothing. I happened to flick to the news channel just as a new story was coming in.

_"...twenty-one year old man found dead today near the town park..."_

That caught my attention. The 'town park', as everyone described it, was just down the street.

_"...experts believe the man to have been beaten to death. There are no stab or bullet wounds evident, and the body is in gruesome shape." _There was a pause. _"The police seem to have found the man's wallet. We should be back with his identity soon."_

I waited. It was a few minutes before the woman came back on the screen.

_"This man's identity has been confirmed. He is Sakano Kane, born April 21st 1980..."_

I stared unblinkingly at the TV, a numbness settling inside of me. Kane was... dead?

The only person I'd ever seriously thought of killing was Takeru's father. He was the only person I'd really wanted dead. But now that Kane was dead... I felt a sense of relief. Was I so horrible that I rejoiced in a human life being taken?

Shu came to mind. What would he do about it? What would everyone at work say? Of course, I wasn't going to tell them that Kane raped me unless I had to. But they knew what he'd done to me before... would they think I was responsible for his death? What would Shu say? I was bound to tell him sooner or later.

The phone rang again. Numbly, I picked it up and answered. It was TK, sounding frantic. Apparently the three men Kane had been with had gone up to Daisuke and threatened to kill him.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

How would Kane's men know that Daisuke had some connection to Taichi and I? And why would they threaten him and not us? I didn't understand.

Either way, I wanted Daisuke and TK out of public. I told them to leave the mall. TK assured me that they already had and that he was calling from a payphone down the street. We hung up with each other after he told me that they intended to go back to Tai's apartment.

When Tai came back from work, the first thing he did was grab me around the waist and kiss me on the lips. After that, he asked me if I understood now about him kissing the girl. I said yes and he sat down with me on the couch.

"What are you watching?" he asked.

"Nothing... did you kill Kane?"

Tai froze for a moment, then slowly turned his head towards me. "...what?"

I didn't drop my gaze. "Did you kill Kane?" I repeated.

He looked guilty, but not sorry. "Yama-"

"God, Tai, are you stupid! You could've been caught! You still can! What if they find out! That's first-degree murder! They'll find your fingerprints and-"

Tai covered my mouth with his hand. Once I'd stopped trying to speak, he uncovered it.

"We went prepared. They're not going to catch us. Even if they do, we have evidence of what he did to you." Tai held up a small tape. The kind of tape that goes in a video camera. The tape Kane had filmed with. "Once they see this, they won't be so hard on us."

I grabbed the tape from him. "You still killed someone, Tai. And you are **not** showing this to some fucking cops! Do you really think I want some strangers watching me get raped! And-wait... what do you mean, **we**? Who's **we**?"

He seemed reluctant to tell me. "Well... when he heard, he insisted on coming with-"

"You brought Daisuke." It all made sense now. My hand flew to my mouth. "Oh my God. You brought Daisuke with you."

"I tried to make him stay! He wouldn't! It was last night, while you were sleeping... I went home first, and he just-"

"Tai, they threatened Daisuke!"

"...what?"

"The guys Kane was with... TK and Dai were at the mall, and they went up to him and they told him they'd kill him. Tai, Daisuke's in danger."

Tai's fists clenched in anger. "I can't fucking believe this... do I have to kill those bastards too! Those fucking-"

"Tai, stop! Are you planning on killing everyone who touches me or Daisuke!"

"If I have to, yes!"

Tai's eyes blazed with fury. It was then that I realized just how far he would go to protect Daisuke and I. If he only thought rationally before he acted, it might be a good thing.

The phone rang. I let my eyes leave Tai's, reaching for the phone.

"Hello?"

All I could hear was sobbing on the other end. A heavy feeling settled in my stomach.

"Hello?" I asked again, this time hesitantly.

"Yamato... th-they..." The person broke off into a fit of sobs.

I felt sick to my stomach. Tai noticed the expression on my face and took the phone.

"Hello?" His expression changed too. "...TK? Is that you?"

I looked at Tai. Slowly his face turned white. He dropped the phone. I didn't bother to pick it up. I knew what had happened.

Daisuke was dead.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Kane's guys had been incredibly stupid. They'd shot Daisuke in public, where there were tons of witnesses. The cops caught them and they were thrown in jail. It was assumed that Daisuke had been the one to kill Kane and since he was dead, the matter was let go. Taichi hadn't been brought into the matter at all.

Speaking of Tai... he was suffering greatly. It seemed he'd only just gotten back together with his cousin, and now Daisuke had been taken away from him. I knew Tai would've jumped in front of that bullet to save Dai. But that wasn't the way it had happened.

Tai blamed himself for Daisuke's death. I understood why; Daisuke hadn't had anything to do with the situation, and yet Tai had let him come along to kill Kane. However, it was ultimately my fault for telling Tai about what Kane had done. But then it was traced back to Tai again; if he hadn't beat Kane up in the first place, Kane wouldn't have done what he did to me. At least, I didn't think so. But I was the one who had the affiliation with Kane in the first place. Really, when it all came down to it, we were equally responsible. If I really wanted, I could say it was TK's father's fault for driving me away from home. If he hadn't treated me that way, I never would have run away. Then I wouldn't be working at the bar, and I wouldn't have met Kane. Or Taichi. And I suppose you could blame Daisuke's parents as well, or any of the various foster parents he'd had. You could even blame Daisuke himself-which I knew Tai would never do-for being so stubborn. I hadn't believed it when TK had told me, but now I knew that he'd been just as stubborn as Tai. I couldn't help wonder, though, why they'd gone after Daisuke first. Were they planning on killing Taichi next? And if Daisuke hadn't gone with Taichi, would it be Taichi who was dead?

None of that really mattered. What mattered was that Daisuke was gone, and Tai wasn't the same. He was a lot colder and more distant. TK and I had moved in with him that same day, which solved two things: Tai wouldn't ask me to come live with him anymore, and I wouldn't have to stay in my apartment with memories of Kane haunting me.

Tai didn't take a leave from work. He could have-I'm sure they would have understood if he told them there had been a death in the family-but he didn't. He kept going to work.

I did, too. Shu and various others at the studio grieved with me over Daisuke's death, but I didn't take the time off. Shu offered it to me, but I refused. It seemed like since Tai wasn't taking time off, I shouldn't either.

TK was crushed. He'd been there, he'd seen it all... plus he and Daisuke's relationship had been at its peak. I know that if Tai died, I wouldn't have been able to survive. The only thing keeping me alive would have been TK. And still, I would probably be tempted several times to kill myself. But TK was much stronger than me. He understood that life wasn't fair, and that life goes on. But it still hurt. A lot.

None of us were ourselves for a long while. It was a month later when things had settled somewhat. TK had started hanging out with Ken, and Tai's kisses began to have meaning again. It was in the middle of February, particularly around my birthday, when I was able to say that Tai was mostly back to normal. However, there were times when he relapsed and became moody and irritable. But TK and I learned to deal with it.

Spring rolled around, and the gloomy weather faded away to blue skies and blossoming flowers. Everyone seemed just a bit more cheerful, and I could swear that Ken and TK were more than friends... or at least, wanted to be more than just friends.

Everything seemed back on track.

Seemed.

**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

A/N: Heh. Yes, I enjoy torturing Yama. Your point being...?


End file.
